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To Serve- An Empty Revolver

-An Empty Revolver-

mine was a horror writers role
to make a plot
one with a vicious villain
a seemingly helpless victim
one that reached out
to all those crisis resources
only to be turned away
for lack of community funds
friends that under played their role
a few nights on their couch
to let her abusive villain cool off
or rehearse his come-back lines
how truly amazed he was when
she came back with a smile
or was it a smirk?
she eased into her routine role
apologetic for her lack of respect
surly he was right all along
she held her suffered pose
long enough to empty her revolver
nothing fatal at first
one to the villains gut
one to each knee
(that’s three determined shots)
then one for each "PLEASE?"
number six..Finale

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am hoping to get help structuring the content. Nailing down the verses.
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

that I will be the first. This one has a lot more problems than structuring the content. If there is a story to be told here, it was not.

This is not a "horror" plot to me, but rather a suspense thriller which gave away any chance of suspense the poem might have in L4.

I have read other work from you. I believe that you can do better than "vicious villain". and the repeat of "villain" over and over. Full punctuation would be of help here as would stanzas.

Overall, it is not enough for me to be told he is a villain. You need to offer some back story and give me a reason why she emptied the revolver. Not just the social economics of it. We need to know about the relationship and how it got to that point.

Thanks,

Scott

Scott

I can see it, it does read like a stone skipped across water.

Back to the drawing board.

Thanks for the critique.

In ink,
david

author comment

This read like an exercise that was given to a student poet on a story to write, where you have taken notes on a story line and put some thoughts to paper.
The theme is not clear is it a murder is it a thought or just a few jotted notes on your next write.
You Know so an edit is needed, then I will Know,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

how about putting in verses telling what the villain has to make the story more complete? What I see here is the punishment for the deed but the deed itself is still a mystery.

Alid

As I told another shop participant, I think poems which consist of a single long stanza are much more easily read if punctuated. Just my opinion. Now let's see if I can come up with any alternates you can smoke over.....
Line 6 try something like : to all for help (suggests seeking help from others than just "official" help centers)
L- 12 try retorts instead of come back lines
L- 16 delete either routine or role
L- 19 try martyr's instead of suffered
I'm kinda surprised one shot didn't get directed to testicles.

This Does sound like an abbreviated TV move plot............stan PS as usual toss any or all my ideas if they don't suit you......

I will be taking this one into surgery when i am able, I am perhaps rushing to deep into the theme, and as stated abridging myself in content.

In ink,
David

author comment

It's all pretty much been said by the workshop folks. You should know by now what needs to be done and I would love to see the final revision!

How many abusive men do need to be shot with six, slow killing shots? Read the novels of Andrew Vacchs, he is big on vengeance on perpetrators.
Apart from that I can not add much more to the previous critiques.
Some suggested edits:

mine was a horror writers role
to make a plot
one with a vicious villain
a seemingly helpless victim [the other a seemingly helpless victim
[stanza break]

one that reached out
to all those crisis resources
only to be turned away
for lack of community funds
[stanza break]

friends that under played their role
a few nights on their couch
to let her abusive villain cool off
or rehearse his come-back lines
[stanza break and then another completely new stanza about what an abusive prick he was]

how truly amazed he was when
she came back with a smile
or was it a smirk?
she eased into her routine role
apologetic for her lack of respect
[stanza break]
surly he was right all along [surely]
she held her suffered pose
long enough to empty her revolver
[stanza break]
nothing fatal at first
one to the villains gut
one to each knee
(that’s three determined shots)
then one for each "PLEASE?"
number six..Finale

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I will apply it as I am able.

author comment

where you have done anything to make this one better! Have you dropped out?
~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

Thanks for reminding me.

author comment
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