But this was my favourite

I spied a Sylph upon a lily leaf
and watched her sail- a Captain on the sea.
She dared at speed the knife edge of the coral reef.
She fought the squall with laughter cold and free.

This really is an outstanding poem I loved all of it and yes I am gushing I love the subject matter and I think Stan was right you should loosen up more often

I loved that ending

How do we, after knowing the impossible,
return and tread the pathways we have known?
When mystic faith becomes a thing as palpable
as raindrops, lily leaves and glist’ning stone.

the rhythm was superb as I was reading it was like listening to a heartbeat

thanks for posting

sincerely Jayne-Chloe

for exquisite poetry yet unheard

There's not been any official critique yet. But my, Wesley, this is beauty!

What I found most pleasant about the poem was the last-but-one stanza. It created that familiar wish-I-had-more-but-getting-closer-will-spoil-the-wonder feeling I note with such stories.

I was surprised when I found the meter going astray, but your explanation in the last bit makes sense. That gave me a little problem, but the beauty of the language made me ignore it.

I only wonder why you use both Valhalla and Elysium. Great poem!

What can I do?

I will admit the chameleonic meter did bother me at first. It was only as the momentum of the piece continued that I saw what a small flaw to mention in such a well done and accomplished work. I especially think the last two lines are as good as anything I've read in poetry. Simple statements so profound, I tend to look for keys or codes to try to figure them out. Here, you've just displayed them. Beautiful work Wesley!

Ron

Dang it ! I'm gonna follow the shop directions though it kill me lol. Just dropping in to let you know I read it but I'll await the time I'm Supposed to give input....................stan

(I've decided to do it myself rather than keep you waiting, Wesley)

I was touched by this piece in a very particular and personal way, which you will understand if you read John Masefield's "Jane" http://www.neopoet.com/weirdelf/blog/mon-2013-04-08-1331
That poem, along with Judith Wright's "Legend" http://www.neopoet.com/comment/86624#comment-86624 were the poems that made me want to be a poet.

I love that you are stretching yourself to loosen up, you have succeeded admirably, the effect is between 'flow' and 'meter' and there is nothing wrong with that.

The plurality of mysteries and references works well in context, although Ikanlum bemused me a little, it is asterisked with no note and neither Google nor Wikipedia reveal anything, I assume it is from your own mythologies although I couldn't find it in your other works either.

It is a poem that really rewards reading aloud, I recommend it to everyone. Although the process does reveal a few small trips caused by the free meter. I am purposely refraining from mentioning those trips specifically as I'm sure you are aware of them and I mostly want to support this direction you are working on.

Just for the hell of it, to make one specific crit, the line
she flaunted wind, the rain and cried aloud.
bothers me a little. The wind, the rain or wind and rain, which would break the flow, so how about
she flaunted wind and rain and cried aloud.

I am not at all sure about the title. The word itself rings too modern for the style. Perhaps 'Deep Seen', 'Far Seen', or even just 'Seen' or 'I Saw'

Love the poem mate, it speaks to me, is elegantly and stylishly written and very readable.

There's not a damned thing wrong with liking a poem and saying so. The main thing I found "wrong" with you critique was the reference and linking to two other poems you like. A bit lazy don't you think? "I like this because it reminds me of this which I also like". But you Did then get on to specifics so maybe that can be overlooked.

I liked the way you said that the meter slips were over-ridden by the tale and beauty of the work over all. I think far too many are chained by the pursuit of perfect rhythm and as a result often sacrifice clarity to it...............stan

Solid poem. Solid critique. Not much more to say that hasn't already been covered.

Ikanlum (I can loom)

really?

8 men out

Word, spoken or woven!

the critic to ask the author how does the last stanza relate to the title and the rest of the poem. I think the critic-like me, thinks that the language beauty veils any possible flaws in this piece,if any.

I still feel that the title is a mismatch stylistically with the poem.

I really don't like it.

I've suggested "The Revival" or " The Rebirth" but now I'm thinking of. " A Fantastic Journey"
Let's see what others think

I think everybody has numerous encounters with the world beyond this one. I also think the last stanza does well in reflecting how such an accepted encounter sharply divides one's life into a before and after phase. Your style does well in conveying the rest of the poem as being "fableish". To make an even cleaner break between that part and the last stanza, perhaps shorter lines would help (would mirror how an epiphany can simplify one's world view). I'll give you an idea how this could be done :
How after knowing the impossible
can we retread the pathways known
when faith is now as palatable
as raindrops, leaves and glistening stone?

Just an alternate you could think about and probably improve upon..................stan PS a title alternative? "When The Page Turns"

precarious peering
fateful sight

"When I found God"

This workshop is now ended.

Please give me feedback, either on the workshop thread
http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/show-and-tell-intensive-critique-workshop
or by PM, as to how you benefited from the workshop, criticisms and ways future workshops could be improved,

I'm sorry, but the meter bothered me a lot .... especially the longer lines.... but I guess that is only me being pedantic, as I see everyone else seemed to like it

As for the title ....
mystic ken
- but I see you already have decided on Stan's suggestion....
Love judy
xxx