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Rhythm Katana

Submitted by Search on Mon, 2012-03-05 01:50

Sons of a lost song,
Warriors of a strange cause,
Creating rhythm in the clear view of a facepalm,
And as others walk on,
We keep our soul strong,
Because only everyone else around me knows of the battles I’ve won,

And with a swift look back,
Loyalty,
Nobility,
Honor,
And responsibility,
No room for tomfoolery,

Swords drawn,
Head strong,

Battle cry heard from a far distance,
Certainly there will be enemy resistance,

So stand strong,
Take a pause,
The battlefield has already been drawn,

And they said the life of a warrior was hard,
A trail of blood is small to fight that lies beyond,
Head on,
Strike hard with the heart.

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

[This option has been removed]

Last few words:

I made this poem for my buddy Miguel, he loves to draw manga anime and he was a little down on motivation so I decided to help him out. This poem is inspired by by various anime's like "Samurai Champloo" . Making a theme poem like this was a little difficult for me to figure out and put together but I spent a lot of time just thinking about anime and its various styles. Hope you like it! IMPORTANT: it doesn't all necessarily rhyme, I did that on purpose.

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Comments

Nichole

Mon, 2012-03-05 02:04

nice

I like this it tells a story. I have an idea though. When you start you poem do what I do now,
Choose a certain number of words you plan on putting in each line and try to stay within one or two words less or more or that number. say 8 don't do anymore or less than 10.
Other than that I love it.

Nordic cloud

Mon, 2012-03-05 07:06

The pace of it was good, for me.

This was a western poem with Samurai sounds,
the rhythm I enjoyed,
there was one spot that stopped me up for some reason:-

"And they said the life of a warrior was hard,
A trail of blood is small to fight that lies beyond,......................this line, as well as its meaning, it begs to be told.
Head on,
Strike hard with the heart.

As regards the lines length, only the one could be divided/ at ...around me/knows... etc.

The pace of it was good, for me.
No specialist, just a writer of poetry too.
Welcome to you from Ann of Norway.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Mon, 2012-03-05 22:57

the meaning

Hello there,
allow me to explain the lines that confused you. Through his experience, the narrator has heard that another path was very difficult, but compared to what he has been through the so called "Life of a warrior" is nothing.

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2012-03-05 20:41

I too..

was stumped by the same line as Ann.
I would have written the last line of the first stanza: Because only those near to me, knows of the battles I've won. Good write! ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

wesley snow

Tue, 2012-03-06 21:18

I also.

That line tripped me up as well. This is serious free verse, so I can offer nothing constructive. But I do like it.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Rhythm Katana

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