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Raw Lagoon

raw lagoon
desires shadow
of tribal waves
mango river spills
a cupped dark bleed of wandering flesh
burning lucifer's silver tongue
in a sex slave slow dance
of torrential foot adorations
and road side moans
fapping moist hyperaesthesia

scrummed forehead
and eye bright glued
an immaculate conception

her back a twisting cat
tongue like a curved Sahara
in whirling toothless loops

a feeding pilgrimage
of erudite kisses
drool of her womb
the word made flesh in combustion

a cock swollen lullaby
saints of libido feeding
upon each other
like tangled everglade snakes
boiling in a chain of volcanos

Vulcans lair
heads between knees
a gargoyle of peeled oysters, serpents
and torn mouths
blown from bed to bed

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
sexual content
Editing stage: 

Comments

I love the vivid images and the flow...

But I think the term 'immaculate cconception' is a cliché.

h

Hommies

it is as old as the New testament and as Im sure you know a Christian reference
but thanks anyway ;)

author comment

up to your standard!
I do understand Drey's comment in that it is the only image in the poem that us not of your invention. And there doesn't seem to be that much "immaculate" going on in the poem. I don't think it's cliche, I think it's just out of place, like the one comma in a poem devoid of punctuation.

But the rich imagery and wild and off the cuff sounds of them create a very poetic atmosphere.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Well I just cant help but comment on your comment ;) For one thing it always makes things more interesting ;)
Yes Im a lazy fuck when it comes to punctuation and I cant spell worth a shit Oh thank God for spell check
Im apparently undisciplined in that arena

Immaculate conception is a sarcasm so you're quite right but the idea that a female is getting a facial of sperm or cream pie seems a least to me one would hope self explanatory levity; and this makes me harp on our past conversations about what is the writers responsibility and what is the readers.

With regard to your comment about a line being out of place ironically you just commented on a well known poet recently passed who gave voice to the notion of poetic or voice stance about mixing or interjecting the colloquial with a more formal linguistic structure I have noticed this in lotsa contemporary poetry which is all about the charm of out of place as it may accentuate verse

Here's what I really think A poet I greatly admire once told me beware of workshop think
His point not being to ignore craft per say but not to have your creativity ie the vision and the voice muffled by the ridged
I think this says it best:

Ezra Pound
What obfuscates ...the crust of dead English, the sediment present in my own available vocabulary ... You can't go round this sort of thing. It takes six or eight years to get educated in one's art, and another ten to get rid of that education. Neither can anyone learn English, one can only learn a series of Englishes.

author comment

"fapping moist hyperaesthesia" wow. "her back a twisting cat" is also a great image. I love how you use language.

Many thanks Gregwa…. Really appreciated!!! :)

author comment
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