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Quatrain of Pentemeter - iamb " The Bottom Line " workshop

I'm not sure of my stressed or unstressed words as I tend to get it misplaced. But here it is.
---------------
5th attempt

More More guns gathered, gun groups declared mission
People sitting as ducks, in this cold world
Evil driven psychos, destine to kill
As gun rights groups, make their wishes, well known

More guns/ gathered/ gun groups/ declared/ mission
People/ sitting/ as ducks/ in this/ cold world
Evil/ driven/ psychos/ destine/ to kill
As gun/ rights groups/ make their/ wishes/ well known

4th attempt
Many guns gathered by gun tights is trist
People are sitting ducks in this madness
Unknown crazies power driven just kills
Fences bearing arms rise heighten murders

Many/ Guns ga/ thered by/ gun rights/ is trist
People/ are sit/ ing ducks/ in this/ madness
Unknown/ crazies/ power/ driven/ just kills
Fences/ bearing/ arms rise/ heighten/ murders
__________
1st
Dai ly/ gun vio/ lence con/ tin ue/ to rise
Pe ople/ as sit/ ting ducks/ meet their/ de mise
Free guns/ of fered/ to those/ own ing/ their homes
By gun/ rights group / in the/ state of/ Flori da

Has pe/ ople lost/ their minds/ this day/ and time
Pu shing/ guns in/ hands e/ very one/ they find
What hap/ pen to,/ let's keep/ guns from/ cra zies
You know/ not who/ lives be/ hind mort/ ga ges
----------------
2nd
Giving/ free guns/ to more/ people/ is trist
When so/ many/ waiting/ like ducks/ perish
By hands/ of mad/ felons/ hell bound/ with death
While gun/ rights group/ consider/ fencing/ gun rights

People/ seem to/ loose self/ judgement / to day
Freely/ handing/ shot guns/ to each/ they feel
Scorning/ outcries/ to keep/ guns from/ mad men
Owning/ a home/ is not/ fence to/ bear arms
------------------
3rd
The guns/ gathered/ by gun/ rights groups/ is trist
When ma/ ny wait/ like sit/ ing ducks/ perish
By the/ hands of/ crazies/ bent on/ killing
While these/ people/ form fence/ to bear/ their arms

Putting/ free guns/ in hands/ of home/ owners
May seem/ rightful/ way to/ fight sense/ less crime
But what/ happen/ to keep/ guns from/ insane
I reck/ on mon/ ies be/ hind most/ good deeds

Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

that words other than prepositions (at, in, on) and articles (the, a) and conjunctions as (that, what, when, and, so...) are usually not accented Nouns, verbs, adverbs and adjectives are accented words

 taking your second quatrain as you've done better

 Has people lost their minds this day and time (perfect iamb)
Push
ing| guns in |hands e|very one |they find   (first two feet trochaic-last two iamb)
 What ha|ppen to,| let's keep |guns from| crazies (only the first foot is iamb)
 You know| not who| lives be|hind mortgages  (first two feet only are iamb)

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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But I'll get. It.
Are you saying preposition articles and conjunctions should not be used
I see I need to work more on iamb and trochee so I can better discern the difference.

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author comment

Prepositions, articles and the like MUST be used, but it is difficult to use them as accented syllables. It can be done, but you are making your job easier if you place such words in unaccented positions.
"When I have fears that I may cease to be..."
In this line by Keats he has accented the article "I" twice and the preposition "be" also without difficulty.
Don't avoid it. However, keep your eye on them as repositioning them will often solve problems with meter.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Would you revise one of my lines so I can see where the prepositions, articles may work well accented. This is a rough area for me.

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I'm like you! I understand syllable count - I have to work on where to stress words etc. I'm not sure how words like "it's" and "you're" work ( or even if they can be used ) - it sounds like one and a half syllables! It's great to be able to learn like this - but it might take awhile to sink in! He he But you're doing great.

Love Mand xxx

We'll get I'm sure. If it's not challenging I fall asleep quickly. Lol. This is very challenging. Trying to learn meters

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but you've to be careful with the syllable count.
It's, you're,aren't, you've, don't are all one syllable and almost not eccented while
doesn't is two.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thanks Rula - you are a dream! and a mine of information. We appreciate yours and Wesley's help.

Love Mand xxxx

We can't scan this unless we know if it is to be Iamb or Trochee. Since it is your first I would assume it is Iamb, but I won't assume. Please tell us the rest of the meter you are aiming for.
Can you do me a favor and if you have a moment scan the three classic lines I offered. I'd like to help you with your actual scanscion.
Are you familiar with Advanced Formatting. It would be a great help in your workshops if you could use it. It's kind of a pain, but very helpful.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

It's iamb. I forgot to mention that. When it's sounding in my ear not sure what's trochee after getting this one right. I can work on trochee do I can mentally discern the difference.

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author comment

Iambic is kind of easy for me, one of those things that just clicked, with all my years of playing bass. I took Wesley's Dum de Dum de Dum de Dum de Dum de

HERE is / A line /THAT per/HAPS will/ DEfine

ANy/ ISsues/ THAT show / YOU will/ SOON know.

BY a /PHRASE that/ STUTters/OUTside/ FORM's line

LIKE a / METro / NOME click/ Iambs Will flow.

I hope this helps. It makes me very happy, and I know Rula and Wesley must be ecstatic at how much good work and growth (and passion) are growing in the poets who are just now being turned onto these forms.

Any help I can offer, I would gladly provide. In fact I run chats from 7 PM to 9 PM on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If these don't work for you, just let me know if you're interested in talking at some other time. I am far from perfect, but I am enamored with poetry and it is an honor to help anyone who would like to know more.

Thanks,

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Thanks Ron. This does help a lot. I'm going to attempt to rewrite

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Ron with your easy to understand example at the front of my lobe, I rewrite. How's that Wesley,
Rula

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

The key to Iambic pentameter is that it begins with a stressed syllable, followed by an unstressed one. This combination of two syllables is called an IAMB or foot. In Iambic pentameter, there are five feet per line.

You're poem has improved greatly. I also love the fact you are taking on a topic in your Iambic writing. I've been trying to do that as well. I figure my first goal in any form or lack thereof, is to turn out a poem that is high quality, hopefully even a poem that will make people think.

Much love and respect,

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

I need much help in this area. Remembering what words are stressed and what words are unstressed. I think if I get that clear I'll find the niche that makes iambic writing a ease. I can see the light and the end through the tunnel of poetic obscurity.

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author comment

you are describing Trochee. Iamb is an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

When you look at Wesley's famous example:

"TO be OR not TO be, THAT is THE quesTION

WHETHer 'TIS noBLER of THE Mind to SUFfer THE slings AND arR0WS of OUTra

GEous FORtune." You can see that he is following a very strict IAMBIC count throughout although it sounds very organic

This spells out the iambic pentameter in such a famous work. (Shakespeare's HAMLET)]

Good Luck and Good writing : )

Ron
.

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Peo-ple/ seem to/ lose self/ judge-ment / to day (this is mostly Trochee with an Iamb at the end)
 

Free-ly/ han-ding/ shot guns/ to each/ they feel (three Trochaic feet and two Iambic. Make sure if you are writing in Iamb that you do not accent that first syllable or you're toast)
 

Scor-ning/ out-cries/ to keep/ guns from/ mad men (again two Trochaic feet, one Iambic and I have scanned your last two feet as Phyrric, two unaccented syllables per foot. Phyrrics are easy to use as they tend to absorb whatever meter they are surrounded by, but for the strict workshop parameters they are failures)
 

Ow-ning/ a home/ is not/ fence to/ bear arms (here again I left a Phyrric in the center, but the first is Trochee, then an Iamb, another Trochee and another Iamb. When you read it out loud over exaggerate what "should" be the accented syllables. In this case being Iamb that means the second syllable and every other one throughout. If you "punch" the second syllables it will reveal where the line sounds unnatural if you want it to be Iamb),  

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I can't imagine who mind twist things up the way my do lol.
I'll get it, meter is tough, but I'll get it. Hanks for telling me how I'm getting it confused. I'll work on it some in the daylight tomorrow.
Thanks for being patience with me. I learn differently from normal ppl. No clue why. Eventually I'll get it. Meter is challenging.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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we all learn differently. Patience is not a factor. I would walk with you the entire distance if I thought I might help you grasp something and keep it. You run very good workshops. They are enthusiastic and enlightening. If I can help train you to improve on the superlative job you do already, it only helps NeoPoet to improve.
It is also personally satisfying to me.
Don't surrender.
Meter is a bicycle. Learn it once and it will never leave.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thanks I ready to ride that meter to a better poet. Appreciate you helping me grasp it. I'm sure I'll get it

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

You might be a visual learner. Have you watched the videos provied above in this same thread?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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Didn't realize they were there.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

The videos was good and very helpful. I revised my iamb pentemeter and posted it, my third attempt. Did I get it this time.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

The guns / ga-thered / by gun / rights groups / is trist (one of the difficulties you are causing yourself is not taking into consideration the natural pronunciation of certain words and placing them in unworkable positions in the verse: e.g. “gathered” will always be accented on the first syllable making it Trochee)
 

When ma / ny wait / like sit / ting ducks / pe-rish (again the line is predominately Iamb, but “perish” is always accented on the first syllable making it also Trochee. You may choose to use a different word or place something like “perish” or “gathered” in a different position so that the verse reads Iamb)
 

By the / hands of / cra-zies / bent on / kil-ling (this is more problematic. The first foot I marked as Phyrric, two unaccented syllables which means it would work in an Iambic or Trochaic verse. The rest of the line I fear is Trochee)
 

While these / peo-ple / form fence / to bear / their arms (you again open with a Phyrric… not a problem. It will adjust to almost anything, but “people” is once more a word accented on the first syllable and therefore in the wrong position in the verse. The rest is Iambic)

Put-ting / free guns / in hands / of home / ow-ners (this begins and ends Trochaic)
 

May seem / right-ful / way to / fight sense- / less crime (also keep in mind that what precedes a given foot may color its meter. What could be Iambic elsewhere if led into by a Trochaic foot may become Trochee. Position is half of what we struggle with)
 

But what / hap-pens / to keep / guns from / in-sane (a bit of a mixed bag here)
 

I reck / on mon / ies be/ hind most / good deeds (I will expect you to sign up for Beau’s workshop on using audio here at NeoPoet. I think hearing some of this read by other poets will benefit you greatly. Do not surrender)

 

 

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I'm here needed a lil break.
Will be revising till I get it.
Advice good

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

Can you tell please which meter is this. Please insert it in your title.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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is Iamb.

First line
 M a-ny|guns ga|thered by| gun tights| is trist|  (only the last is iambic)
second line
 Pe-ople| are sitt|ing ducks| in this| ma-dness (the second and third are iambic)
third line
 Un-known| cra-zies| po-wer| dri-ven |just kills (first and last feet are iambic)
forth line 
 Fen-ces |bear-ing| arms rise| height-en |mur-ders  ( all trochaic)                             

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I'm gonna get this.

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