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Prose "The Burglar" by Nordic Cloud revised to Poetry (Prose to Poetry Workshop)

Final Revision
Prose "The Burglar" by Nordic Cloud revised to Poetry (Prose to Poetry)

A man in old grey dehevelled clothing
Black hair, ruddy face stood by a fence
Walking deliberatly slow along the streets
Perusing a site to commit burglary
He kept rhythm with the fence pailing

A girl peering through net curtains
made a crack in the lace had begun
To observe him as he eyed the houses
Dropped the curtain she stepped back
from the window as she noticed him
Looking in her direction

An air of evil consumed her
As he appeared discontent at her stares
Suddenly lurching into uneven strides
He continued his walk changing rhythm
As if to covet a secret.

Prose:-
The burglar was a swarthy bloke with black hair and a round ruddy face and he walked with a limp, his clothes were dishevelled and his gait, as he passed along the street, was deliberate and slow as he perused the site where the burglary was to take place.

The day was damp from rain in the night, although the faint sun had begun to colour the park opposite; as the burglar walked along in the same rhythm as the fence palings, he seemed to flicker with them when she looked out of the window through the net curtains.

She didn't know then, that he was a burglar, bu becoming curious she opened a crack in the lace and looked hard at him. His swarthy shape draped in an old grey mackintosh looked slightly ominous, he eyed the houses in a particular way, sizing them up, or so it looked to her.

When he suddenly stopped, and was looking straight at her house, she quickly dropped the curtain and stepped back. That face became imprinted on her mind as someone not to speak to, or even to look at.

He had an air of evil, if one can call it that, something mysterious and to be avoided at all costs. He carried a small leather bag over one shoulder which swung from side to side as he lurched in uneven strides, after having stopped, possibly having caught sight of her, he walked more softly, as if coveting a secret and maybe that's exactly what he was doing.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Have read this but will withhold comment until some others chime in. Don't want to muddy their ideas with my opinion yet..................stan

Great

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to me this reads as prose - sorry
it could be put in a paragraph as is and read almost perfectly

it would be helpful to have the original prose write here too, as scribbler asked,
to compare it without having to go back to the workshop

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Don't be sorry. We all agree here that this is not an easy task here. This is as close as it gets to poetry for me. I disagree that it reads as prose.
I read it out loud several times and it sounds poetic to my ear.

I agree the original prose should be here. Copy and paste is a issue I'm working on it still.

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To me this is close to being blank verse. I think all these prose to poetry conversions are winding up more difficult than some thought they'd be. Keep looking your poem over for improvements as the nexy shop stage will be posting a final edit. And I know what you mean about copy and paste as it's something I don't do yet either. Reckon we can both get sore fingers from directly typing in the prose submissions we were assighned lmao.........stan

I will never get it finish if I try to type it from here
Been trying all day to copy and paste it.
I will get it done
hold those horses you guys lol.

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To get a full understanding of its definition and structure
Being I have no prior poetry or literary education I'm Here to learn.

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This is as good as I can get.

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Hi, Barb, another tricky conversion I suspect, the bit that worked best for me was this stanza :

The day damp from the night rain
The park colored by the sun
The swarthy young fellow
Black hair, ruddy face
Kept rhythm with the fence pailing

As with all of us, it's worth having a quick spell-check before posting, most of us miss a typo or 2... I think I noticed "omnious" & assume you meant ominouss? etc.

As with Judy, I would have liked the original Prose posted here (you can easilly add it on an edit), since the whole idea is to transform the Prose... I also felt it fitted the Prose definition, but am personally struggling with that in this workshop, since a story in plain prose such as this is really quite difficult to make into poem I think, without losing/changing much of the original... So good on you for this effort.

Cheers Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

Glad it worked. Its my favorite stanza. I guess my spell check is wrong lol. I'll recheck for typos again.
As for as it not being poetry I did my best lol. Though it sounds like poetry to me. Then this is my first time writing prose especially trying to convert to poetry.

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... but this is why they call me The Grammar Cop- "ominous" is spelled with only one "s". wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

See, hilarious really... good work we have you isn't it... My intention was to point out the omNious, typo, but blew it when I stuck on an extra S without noticing!

Cheers
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

ominous is the correct spelling according to my kindle fire spell check. It is Ann's word not mine. I don't even know the meaning as it is not in the Merriam Webster dictionary on my kindle. Lol

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No problem Barbara, when I first read it, it was written omnious, not ominous, just a simple typo, as with the others I'm sure... Looking good, good bit of culling.

Cheers
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

To me this reads a s prose, just broken into lines. I also think in this line:

Not knowing his intent at the time
you could drop : (at the time)

I would also like to see the prose that this was converted from. I liked the same lines as Anni.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Since this is my first time with prose I had to research prose before I could write one. Funny I been writing prose the whole time thinking its poetry. Lol back to the drawing board.

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I have posted the prose form at the bottom having difficulty

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Don't get grey haired over it we all have faith in you........stan

to the original prose, to avoiding losing something or offending the writer.

We need to ruthlessly eliminate absolutely everything that is inessential to a single meaning, thought or feeling to be conveyed.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I revised it a bit has this help any

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I feel bad for not commenting before here, it being my prose, and not an easy one either, I should have made a simpler one, but just put it in, not making it very poetic for once!! Sorry.

I had better have a go at it myself as i don't think it was easy dear you Barbara,
I shall make myself do it as a penance! Might not show it though...!

You're doing well Barbara, Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

i think you have done well with your editing - a lot of work here
and although imho it still borders on prose (just an aside for workshop purposes) i think you have done a great job with a very hard write

love judy
xx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I'm burned out at the moment from overwhelming discouragements in my life. It'll pass soon. It usually do.

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I would like to add that I really liked these lines:

As he eyed houses stopping in her direction
She dropped the curtain
Stepping back from the window
As his facial imprint burned in her mind

An air of evil consumed her
Paranoia partook him
Suddenly he lurched in uneven strides
Then stopped, walking softer as if to covet a secret

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Glad you like it.

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Hi Barbara. think you should pat yourself on the back with these efforts. It is a difficult job & you have stuck with it & rewardingly so... A small query, when you say "partook him", did you mean "overtook"? or overcame?, if not it's an interesting use of the word, made me think. (Could I humbly offer these?-

An air of evil descended on her
Paranoia agitated him

I still agree with Jess, (though cowardly ended up not doing so with mine in the end), stripping it back mercilessly would make for a better poem speaking generally of all the works in this workshop.

Good work here though!

Cheers, hope the pressure eases for you very soon (I often wish we could purchase thicker skin like we can an umbrella... so that all the "discouragement" could just run off us like water off a ducks back... if I could I would send you some. Imagine how well we'd do if we could just let that stuff run off without affecting us! Wishing you the strength to make it do so Barbara... Write lots of good things eh)

Anni xx

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

Thanks you are right. I meant overtook. I'm finish with it.
But I will take another one more rewrite though
Feeling some better thanks

Sometimes when you let things roll off your back
they fill up overtime behind you
making a mountain of small things
then like a avalanche
they fall on top of you
when you least expect
Then you spend time digging
Before finding a way out

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Sounds a bit like an avalanche of snow, that too can bury one.
Now you can relax and write a poem about what you enjoy
writing about, its no big deal this lark, but it has been amusing
and interesting doing it and seeing how other's tackle something
fixed already for them, not something I tend to do either.

Have a lovely day Barbara from Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

I agree there is a grammar problem here. The verb "partake" (past tense- "partook") describes an action performed by the subject of the sentence. Someone must "partake" OF or IN something. "Partook" cannot perform that action itself, so to say that "paranoia partook him" is grammatically wrong. "Paranoia" is a lifeless noun and cannot "partake" of anything.
Strangely, I did NOT read this as prose as so many others did. A problem I did have with either the posting format or the poem itself is that it appeared to have several revised versions within the body of the poem. Almost as though you periodically started over or were perhaps posting all of your revisions in this one version.
It was a tad confusing.
As I had a bitch of a time with Stan's paragraph, I sure as hell aren't going to begrudge you the alleged problems you may have had. I feel it is a good adaptation as is. By no stretch of the imagination one of your better poems, but given the deceptively difficult nature of this workshop it is a worthy success.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I see what you mean. The post is disastrous. I will attempt yo do it again. The advance formatting seem be working better with my kindle fire noe lol

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You know Barbara, nobody thinks the post disastrous, careful not to be too self critical... I think almost all of us have really struggled with this exercise. In the end I just put up a poem I would NEVER normally accept as worthy to post, but in all that I believe we all had lots to learn. We just couldn't play it safe on these ones, challenge can be a great thing.

Cheers
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

I'm not critical of the poem it was thr formatting i was ctiyicsl of as it was chopped into bits and pieces after I posted my final revision. I lefted out part of the first revision so I just removed it altogether. I haven't changed anything in the final revision
What do you think of the final

Tablets are the new way of the world; desktops and laptops is on a path to nowhere fast.

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Thanks Wes
For bringing this to my attention lol
Silly me sometimes

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the post is nowhere near 'disasterous' - it is a good write
just (imo only) still mainly prose
that does not (again imo only) detract from the work itself
it is a good descriptive write

one tiny thing - since the typos have been pointed out - there is one more
'dehevelled' should be 'dishevelled'

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I second Judy's comments, good job here, brave too to shed quite a bit, you should be proud.

Also, can I reiterate that a spellchecker online can really help (doesn't always mean we don't overlook things, but very useful). I get so busy, I know I miss silly grammatical errors & spelling. Just search "spellcheck", that should give you some options, it doesn't cost anything.

Enjoy
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

I use my spell check all the time or my poetry would be grammatically horrific. Lol. Sometime words I don't use or know such as ominous in another write gets pass me. I only found that one typo were there others? Im known to have typos like everybody else like you mention so its big deal. This discussion has help me to remember the spelling of a word I cant find the definition of. I guess I could Google it for a definition. Ill wanna use it later in one of my poem sometimes then :)

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Great word.

I am as stubborn as those
ominous clouds
blocking the full moon tonight
as the rain fell on my peaceful thoughts

Why can't I just do the inevitable
and learn something new
Try something different
Without the song and dance

Its not a ethnic thing or a gender thing
not even a status thing; its me being me trying to be better,
but stuck in a world where none will come to visit or stay any length of time.
if they wanna survive my craziness.

Just fooling around with this as I feel silly as usual

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Chuckle! I love it... especially the ominous clouds, very evocative.

I do worry that you are hard on yourself Barbara, wouldn't it be lovely if we could all free ourselves of our own mean judgements & enjoy just being? Keep writing my friend, it's all good.

Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

Only if that was possible.
its all I know and here.
Mean judgements is what I live and feel from those around.
If I don't address it. I'll be ostracised by my hubby as being a wicked, evil, self-centered, unappreciative, heartless, bitch regardless of my well intentions. In his opinion, I have no well intentions only a black heart deserving disrespect without compassion or understanding. The good I do is unimportant as my negativity overshadows my positively which he cant seems to find or bring himself to recognize. He said today I made him that way. If thats so I don't know how long I can live as me under this pressure.
Its why I love it here. I not under the pressure to be I can just be me myself and I.

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Oooh Barbara... don't ever let anything stop you from being YOU... I'll pm you

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

Myself and I,
yourself and you,
how can the I become a you,
I try to do the things I do
with empathy, from your point of view
and yet you chide me black and blue
when I don't follow you being you.

Your words they hurt
and understand
that all we do is give a hand,
to those we are supposed to love,
how can one act when you abuse
the very way I show it,
so now you know it,

and if you cannot see the me
that's love and grace and harmony,
well you can shove it!

Hope you forgive me Barbara, your last expression set me off.

Love to your endeavours, and to you being YOU. Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

As I WAS NOT TAKING ABOUT YOU ARE TO YOU. I was having a tense discussion with cloud about me and her crit of my typo with your word ominous. I can not believe you injected yourself into a situation that didn't happen. I am often misjudged, so I'm not shock that you took offends to something not directed at you. I'm just glad cloud knew what I meant and is not offended, but see my dilemma trying to interact in a positive way bring s private introvert. Xoxo

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OH Barbara it was intended for your man
you talking to him, if indeed you meant that what you said above was true.
I am sure you are the total opposite of what he called you
and was putting him in his place.

I have no reason to describe you as other than the most kind,
sweet natured person,
perhaps the most kind on this site,
so I am most awfully distressed
that you should think that I could think otherwise,
I had fun with the words,
and felt I gave a blow to the person who abuses you,
IN TOTAL SUPPORT OF YOU,
the you that should be and stay you.
The you we have learned to love and understand.

Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

I think that for a subject far outside your usual comfort zone you did well. I hope I haven't worked you and others so hard that you avoid my future shops lol............stan

I need to come out of my comfort zone sometime, but am sure I'll retreat writing poetry till I drop again.

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Yours above:-

I am as stubborn as those
ominous clouds
blocking the full moon tonight
as the rain fell on my peaceful thoughts

Why can't I just do the inevitable
and learn something new
Try something different
Without the song and dance

Its not a ethnic thing
or a gender thing
not even a status thing;
its me being me trying to be better,

but stuck in a world
where none will come to visit
or stay any length of time.
if they wanna survive my craziness.

Barbara this is wonderful stuff, like me when fired with anger at a misunderstanding, my poems can have that fire in them too, and this bit has just that, if you wanted you could add to it and make this into something terrific, it is already for me. My mother once said something I felt unforgivable and I reacted so strongly that I wrote a letter to her telling her what I thought. E said its a fantastic letter Ann, but don't send it. He was right, but I had said my bit and cleared my mind of it in the letter, therapeutic for myself, even if the originator had no idea of it.

We are here for you, you know that, and as Anni says, be yourself, its you who lives your life, no one else can do that for you, we have to make choices sometimes that are dire, but we still have to be faithful to our own character, otherwise what sort of life would we lead.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

But, I wrote this for cloudthings to show her I stubbornly resisted her crit, but then embraced it by learning the meaning of the word ominous writing this poem. I have revised it sense then in my notes to make it terrific as you say. I'm not sure what I would add though as it was just a top off the head quick write

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Hi Barb, sorry to set off this bit of confusion... screen messages are sometimes easy to misinterpret. I think, in the end we all meant well, but it's probably best not to get too personal here in public (that's why I sent a pm) . Hope it's all clear & things are a little lighter for you... The last thing you need is for Neo to become a stress for you... We want to be a supportive group & encourage each other to improve our writing skills, that's the main point. I do think we usually manage that pretty well these days, don't you?

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

Yeah I agree we are.
I see how things could get misinterpreted
So I'm not upset.
I know you and Nordic cloud meant well and I took it as supportive and encouraging. I'm happy to be a part of this group.

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according to different linguists about 60-80 % of communication is purely non-verbal. As poets you would think we would be better than that, but we are still human.

What I saw happen here was pure mis-understanding between people with absolutely no ill intent, only kindness and support. No-one at all was to blame.

These threads, between who is responding to whom, and with time factors involved, become very confusing. Barbara was not wrong to get upset either, it did look bad to me from my perspective as her friend, I very nearly jumped in aggressively in her defence, until I very carefully read the whole thread and traced the steps and response times.

We are all good with words, we are all emotional people. We can say whatever the fuck we want in our poems, but we do need to be very careful in threads, especially when there is deep emotional content involved.

Love you Barbara and you do deserve to be better treated and understood by those in your world. You know I've always known this.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

You were my very first friend when I came here. And will always appreciate that. I've sense made other friends here including Nordic

And yes you always were aware.

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