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Pontoon/Blackjack

Submitted by Hooded Stranger on Wed, 2010-11-17 05:49

Pontoon

With this hand of cards I've been dealt
I make the choices without regret
I choose my path along this bumpy road
As it digs me in, to deeper debt

This hand of cards is full of jokers
I make the call and await my fate
I stand at the crossroads in my way
I know my decision, I nervously wait

Decision made
Flick of the wrist
I watch you twist

I should've stuck
But I took the risk
I bust as you twist

With this deck of cards I've been dealt
I make the choices without restrain
I choose the route along this bumpy road
Each turn induces such crushing pain

This hand of cards is full of jokers
I make the call and await with calm
I stare at the crossroads in my way
I fold as I turn the cards in my palm

© 2009 hoodedstranger.com

Blackjack

With this hand of cards I've been dealt
I make the choices without regret
I choose my path along this bumpy road
As it digs me in, to deeper debt

This hand of cards is full of jokers
I make the call and await my fate
I stand at the crossroads in my way
I know my decision, I nervously wait

Decision made
Flick of the wrist
And I take the hit

I should've stayed
But I took the risk
I bust from the hit

With this deck of cards I've been dealt
I make the choices without restrain
I choose the route along this bumpy road
Each turn induces such crushing pain

This hand of cards is full of jokers
I make the call and await with calm
I stare at the crossroads in my way
I fold as I turn the cards in my palm

© 2009 hoodedstranger.com

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-11-17 16:06

Hooded Stranger's picture

Shirl,

yes a card game gone horribly wrong indeed.

It was actually more to do with Tarot cards when I first wrote it, but it ended up as Pontoon!

Let's twist!

HS

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ziggy

Wed, 2010-11-17 14:48

well hello there, what a great way of writing about the trials of life
by using a game of cards as a metaphor, (maybe)..
a game of pontoon , and I like the short verse as they both give a
change of pace to this write, they are both nice and snappy as I
read them, and this is not one I read before good job hood like
it indeed,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-11-17 16:03

Hooded Stranger's picture

Zigs,

it came to me when somebody was talking about Tarot cards with me and they said something along the lines of 'take a card from the deck of life'...that gave me an idea and Oliver's favourite card game is Pontoon and it just then wrote itself.

The short section is simply a chorus should it ever be recorded, but to be honest, it wasn't written with a song in mind, I just felt it needed a change of pace in the middle.

I couldn't remember if you'd seen this one before or not...we exchange so many I couldn't remember.

Thanks for reading...and now you have a much bigger read in your inbox...my short story 'Nine'...enjoy,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

lou

Wed, 2010-11-17 20:05

lou's picture

Well can't really add much to what has been said. Except to say , i t has a easy flow , which nice to read.

Well talk later , back to the Soul Keeper..

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2010-11-18 07:42

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

thanks for your comments - I have some changes too, so hopefully you'll like them.

regards,

HS

ps. who or what is the 'Soul-Keeper'

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scribbler

Wed, 2010-11-17 22:58

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Title seems off but content is nice anyway. I got a few alternates you could consider :
l-4 Try digs me into deeper debt
l-8 change nervously to ,nervous
l-1 and 15 change I have to I've
l-18 agonizing seems one syllable too long, maybe something like tortured ?

does title have to do with buyer's remorse over buying a pontoon ?.........scribbler

lou

Wed, 2010-11-17 23:06

lou's picture

Pontoon is a card game , in the uk

Lmao

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2010-11-18 07:45

Hooded Stranger's picture

Stan,

I can understand why the title seemed off, but hopefully my change of title makes it clearer. I wasn't aware that 'Pontoon' was called 'Blackjack' in other parts of the world, but hopefully the revision helps.

I have taken on-board your suggestions and you will see that almost all of them have been included. Many thanks for the input, you have hopefully made this piece a little tighter and sharper.

Kindest regards,

HS

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scribbler

Thu, 2010-11-18 08:42

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My ignorance never ceases to amaze me lol..........scribbler

Race_9togo

Thu, 2010-11-18 00:00

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Man oh man, I don't think I've even THOUGHT about Pontoon in thirty years.
LOL

It's variant is called Blackjack, here in the States. There are differences between the two, but the rules are generally the same.

"twisting" is hitting, "sticking" is staying.

I like this metaphor a lot; the growng debt, the growing tension, the decisions that really aren't decisions at all, and the implication that if you take too much, everything collapses.

Really good.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2010-11-18 07:54

Hooded Stranger's picture

Jim,

our family meet up every New Years day and we always have a card game of Pontoon using pennies (Cents in your part of the world) as our currency. It always causes trouble in a fun way with people cheating and passing cards to each other under the table etc...but it is all fun and nobody losing much money. This tradition in our family has been going on over 50 years!

Last year my Son who is 11 played for the first time and he loves it so much we now play it at least once a week. He has seen the Poker games on the TV and he now wears black shades when he plays so he looks like a professional!!

I am so pleased you mentioned its variant...I have now written an alternative chorus for the Blackjack players.

The metaphor is simple, but hopefully effective,

thanks for your comments my friend,

HS

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Candlewitch

Sat, 2010-11-20 13:55

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I haven't played blackjack in years! Usually before going to bed, Steve and I play a game of cribbage to chill out. I enjoyed the reading of this poem, the imagery is wonderful. A different write for you.

Love, Cat

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Hooded Stranger

Sun, 2010-11-21 17:10

Hooded Stranger's picture

Cat,

I play Pontoon with Oliver a lot these days...although next he wants to learn poker!

Glad you enjoyed this write...it was a little different to some of my others...however it does have a much darker meaning to it that wouldn't be obvious to the reader.

kind regards,

HS

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Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-12-20 15:03

Hooded Stranger's picture

Cat,

I found this really cool website that sell playing cards...I have got a packet of the following:

http://www.magicmagic.co.uk/store/cards/custom-decks/bicycle-shadow-mast...

for Oliver as a little Xmas present...he will love the colour of them!

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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