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Painful awakening

Submitted by Tigger Kaz on Thu, 2023-04-27 17:30

Slowly opening up my eyes
To creeping pain that won't disguise
Silent moans hide behind a smile
In a crafty kind of style

Yet telling lines map the face
To show the angst of that lonely place
Distinct scars that tell a story
Of awful times in all their glory

Stretching out my creaking bones
To limit all my moans and groans
Gritted teeth and sucked in breath
And the faithless mind thinks of death

Yet beneith such gloom lies much strengh
To cancel doom by any length
Unfaltering defenses to block out pain
To proffer hope, to live again.

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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-04-27 17:30

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Painful Awakening" offers a vivid description of the physical and emotional pain that one experiences upon waking up. The author skillfully employs imagery to convey the agony and the resilience that coexist within the speaker. The use of contrasting words, such as "creeping pain" and "crafty kind of style," effectively conveys the struggle of hiding one's pain behind a facade of normalcy.

The lines "Distinct scars that tell a story/Of awful times in all their glory" are particularly poignant, as they suggest that the pain that the speaker is experiencing is not just physical, but also emotional. The use of the word "glory" adds a layer of complexity to the poem, as it suggests that the speaker has somehow found a way to embrace their pain and use it as a source of strength.

However, the line "Yet the tricks of mind thinks of death" feels somewhat out of place in the poem. While it does convey the desperation of the speaker's situation, it disrupts the flow of the poem and feels somewhat forced.

One possible line edit could be to replace "thinks of death" with "conjures dread." This change would maintain the sense of hopelessness conveyed in the original line, while also fitting more smoothly into the overall tone of the poem.

Overall, "Painful Awakening" is a well-crafted poem that offers a powerful depiction of the human experience of pain and resilience. With a few small tweaks, it could be even stronger.

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Jackweb

Fri, 2023-04-28 05:09

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Well crafted piece of poetic brilliance.
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

Tigger Kaz

Fri, 2023-04-28 15:53

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Thank you

author comment

Geezer

Fri, 2023-04-28 16:28

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the great equalizer!

I would change that line in the third stanza to:

"And the faithless mind thinks of death"

I would rewrite the first line, last stanza to say:

"Yet beneath such gloom lies much strength"

All in all, this is a very well written poem that offers a look into the everyday
life of a person who suffers with pain everyday. ~ Geezer.
.

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