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Old Ailment

Submitted by paleoray on Sat, 2023-12-30 18:20

Each time I played some basketball
With son at park beside us,
He’d say my spring had hit the wall
Because of geezeritus.

Or when I yelled a friend’s name out,
“Hey, Tom” instead of Titus;
My son would say, “Without a doubt,
You’re sick with geezeritus.”

After awhile, I got unnerved
From my son’s diagnosis;
So hastily, I drove and swerved
To clinic next to Roses.

The doctor checked me head to toe -
I coughed from tongue depressor;
He cuffed my arm and pumped it slow
To check out my blood pressure.

He took my height with measuring rope,
And weighed me on a tech scale;
Then checking heart with stethoscope,
He made me breathe and exhale.

After exam, he asked of me
If I felt signs as warning;
At that, I shared my misery
Of more pains every morning.

I said my zip was in the past,
With physique rather shabby;
I pointed where my hair dropped fast,
And where my sides were flabby.

I told him how I squint to see,
And of my hand’s arthritis;
At that, he smiled and said to me,
“Friend, you’ve got geezeritus.”

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
12/23 Getting Older
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-12-31 00:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem, "Old Ailment," effectively uses humor and rhyme to convey the speaker's experience of aging. The consistent rhyme scheme (ABAB) and meter throughout the poem contribute to a rhythmic flow, which enhances the overall readability and enjoyment of the piece.

The use of the invented term "geezeritus" is a clever way to encapsulate the speaker's feelings about aging. It serves as a humorous and relatable metaphor for the natural process of growing older, and it's repeated use effectively reinforces this central theme.

The narrative structure of the poem, which follows the speaker from initial symptoms, to a doctor's visit, to a diagnosis, is clear and engaging. This structure helps to maintain reader interest and provides a logical progression for the poem's story.

However, the poem could benefit from more varied and vivid imagery. While the narrative is clear, the descriptions of the speaker's symptoms and the doctor's visit are quite literal and straightforward. Incorporating more metaphorical or symbolic language could add depth and richness to the poem.

Additionally, the speaker's character could be developed further. While the speaker's feelings about aging are conveyed through the narrative and the term "geezeritus," more specific details about the speaker could make them more relatable and memorable to readers.

Finally, the poem's ending, while humorous, is somewhat predictable. The reader is likely to guess that the doctor will confirm the son's diagnosis of "geezeritus." Experimenting with a less predictable ending could add an element of surprise or additional humor to the poem.

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Lavender

Sat, 2023-12-30 20:52

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I thoroughly enjoyed this. The humor is wonderful - and so relatable! The language is great (and clever!) and the rhyme is nice and tight. Rhythm flows easily, which adds to the rich, witty theme. Again, fun poem!
Thank you!
L

paleoray

Sun, 2023-12-31 13:40

paleoray's picture

Thank you for your lovely comment. I’m glad that you enjoyed and had fun with my little humorous geriatric poem. My son really did inspire this piece with his creative name diagnosis of my aging condition. Happy new year.

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2023-12-31 14:11

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I am not sure if I should tell my spouse and my sister of that condition, but it might be worth the laughs.
I think in order to make the meter a bit smoother in a couple of lines, you could maybe use:

And weighed me on a [teched-up] scale.

"He made me [in and exhale]."

~ Geezer.
.

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paleoray

Sun, 2023-12-31 15:51

paleoray's picture

Thank you for your comments and insight.

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Candlewitch

Sun, 2023-12-31 16:05

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This is such an enjoyable read! I would bet you had a very good time in its creation! I find myself smiling as I write this to you...thank you for the lift of my spirits! KUDOS to you!

*hugs, Cat

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paleoray

Sun, 2023-12-31 17:52

paleoray's picture

Thank you Cat. So glad you enjoyed the humor in this geriatric symptom poem which was inspired by my sarcastic son’s twisted medical wit. He pokes and jokes with me lovingly on a regular basis about my aging condition. Happy New Year.

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