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Climbing A Tree

Submitted by paleoray on Sat, 2023-10-28 00:41

The grasp of flaky bark holds strong
My hands while pulling to ascend;
Each step avoids the brittle song
Of cracking that would bring my end.

I hit a branch and strike a knee,
Which causes it to bleed and bruise;
Still I keep climbing up the tree,
While getting panoramic views.

Then perched up high, I look around
To see what eagles would behold;
The place where wind’s the only sound,
And lakes below all gleam in gold.

The clouds hold light where rays outpour,
While getting close to heaven’s space;
I stretch my hands as if to soar,
And brush against my father’s face.

The wind blows through my hands and hair
As I enjoy this peaceful rest;
But soon descent will be the bear
That I must tame with careful zest.

Though way up in a tree with views
Of gleaming lakes and clouds with rays;
Far greater sights wait those who choose
To serve the Lord with faithful praise.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Sat, 2023-10-28 06:41

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Climbing A Tree" exhibits a clear progression of thought and a strong sense of narrative. It successfully uses concrete imagery to convey the physical experience of climbing a tree, as well as the emotional and spiritual journey that the speaker undergoes.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. For instance, the line "Each step avoids the brittle song / Of cracking that would bring my end" is somewhat unclear. The metaphor of a "brittle song" is not immediately understandable, and the phrase "bring my end" seems overly dramatic for the situation described. Consider revising this line for clarity and to better match the tone of the rest of the poem.

Additionally, the poem's rhyme scheme is generally consistent, but there are a few lines where the rhyme feels forced, such as "But soon descent will be the bear / That I must tame with careful zest." The use of the word "zest" in this context seems out of place and disrupts the flow of the poem. Consider revising these lines to maintain a consistent tone and rhythm.

Finally, the poem's final stanza introduces a religious theme that is not present in the rest of the poem. If this is a key element of the poem's message, consider weaving this theme throughout the poem rather than introducing it at the end. This would provide a more cohesive and impactful reading experience.

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