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A MOMENT FOUND.

Submitted by Christopher Stuart on Thu, 2022-03-10 03:21

There inside a crowded room

The light finds her alone

And all there is, is silence

There as she moves around.

And all my thoughts go wandering

Quietly to somewhere else

As heaven stands before me

And she doesn't make a sound.

And all that I believe in

Now believes in just herself

Believes I could live forever

Inside thin lines circled round.

Painted forever upon her skin

Just let time forget itself

Lost in a moment found

How could she be anything

But be from somewhere else.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Candlewitch

Thu, 2022-03-10 07:18

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welcome to Neopoet, it is very nice to meet you! first of all, when you post in ALL CAPS, it is off-putting. it makes the reader feel like he or she is being shouted at. next you could lose most of the word {and} and the poem will read better, and be smoother.

we are glad to welcome you to our community, a family of poets. it is here that we post our poems to get help by critique from more experienced poets. we learn how to write better poems. we also learn how to help others by taking example.

to me; the last line of your poem is unclear, maybe you could work on it? have a great day!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Race_9togo

Fri, 2022-03-11 16:10

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Welcome to Neopoet.
The title is good, too.
Please, do not use all caps when posting poetry. All caps signifies that you are shouting, and it is quite off-putting.
I really do like the content of your poem, but I think it would improve if you gave it some structure. The physical layout of lines in a poem is often very important, drawing and focusing the reader's attention to what you are trying to convey to them.

"THERE INSIDE A CROWDED ROOM. THE LIGHT FINDS HER ALONE. AND ALL THERE IS, IS SILENCE. THERE AS SHE MOVES AROUND. AND ALL MY THOUGHTS GO WANDERING."

"There inside a crowded room,
The light finds her alone,
And all there is, is silence,
There as she moves around,
And all my thoughts go wandering..."

Do you see what I mean? Each line now draws the reader's attention to single meanings, yet when they are absorbed together, as they are read, it heightens the impact of your words.

I look forward to your edit.
Welcome to Neopoet.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Christopher Stuart

Sun, 2022-04-24 20:26

Christopher Stuart's picture

Thank Lulu, I have changed it.

author comment

Candlewitch

Sun, 2022-04-24 09:16

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it is customary for the poet who is being critiqued, to comment back. even if you just say, "Thank you."

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Christopher Stuart

Sun, 2022-04-24 20:45

Christopher Stuart's picture

Cat, sorry I sometimes don't get as much time as I would like to spend on poetry. I have a good friend I have been helping for the last 5 years who has a mental illness. She has been in and out of hospital since I have known her. She was living in a park, homeless before I started helping her, Mala has had a terrible life. She was sharing a house with me but one day she just disappeared. After 7 months I found her, the police found her wandering around in Sydney and took her to hospital. I have been trying to get her to come back and live as I still have all her belongings with me but Mental Health still have her under their control. Regards Chris

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Candlewitch

Tue, 2022-04-26 10:12

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oh my goodness! that is so very sad...good luck...I will light a candle for you both. yes, mental illness is very complicated! I know! I have O.C.D. and PTSD and personality dis-associative disorder and clinical depression.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Christopher Stuart

Wed, 2022-04-27 20:50

Christopher Stuart's picture

Thanks Cat, we had another hearing yesterday with mental health, this is the fourth one. Lucky there was a good lawyer this time who was willing to listen this time. She is a sweet person, just lost. This has been my life for the last four years and have lost time being spent with my daughter Regards Chris.

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scribbler

Tue, 2022-04-26 16:03

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I pretty much NEVER critique a new member's first post. But I Can say I enjoyed this poem. Should you have a problem navigating here (or any other site problem) just give me a holler. If I can't help I'll point you to somebody who can.

Christopher Stuart

Wed, 2022-04-27 20:52

Christopher Stuart's picture

Thanks Scibbler. I'm never 100% happy with my work, I'm always looking to improve them. Thanks Chris

author comment

Race_9togo

Thu, 2022-05-05 04:08

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I am never satisfied with my writing either, it always need to be better.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Christopher Stuart

Thu, 2022-05-05 07:19

Christopher Stuart's picture

Thanks

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