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Midday Moon (exercise 1 rhyme crimes workshop)

Submitted by judyanne on Sun, 2012-06-03 04:16

Surreal and vast, the vision here before me
A landscape harbouring a double will
that seeks a freedom mixing sadness, glee
portrayed and painted with artistic skill

Across abundant, waving ears of green
(impressing, somehow, somewhat too much glow
as if to draw attention from the scene
to hide where, under arbours, secrets grow)

as daisies lazily soak up the sun
and marigolds reflect its amber light
the shadows are obscure and gloomy, dun
the flowers far too incandescent, white

The night-time luminescence, out of place
her splendour addled, dulled by each noon ray
as, in her grace she traces out her face -
examines self within effulgent day

amidst a haloed, multi-cast soft blue
contrasting with a violent-violet stretch
that marks the circle of her gentle hue
within the wide, bright skyline of the sketch

And stillness comes to rest with not a sound
suppressed, it filters through the afternoon
to intertwine with all and wrap around
the hush that’s heard each time the sun meets moon
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Rhyme Crimes

Comments

Nordic cloud

Sun, 2012-06-03 10:05

Nordic cloud's picture

Oh bold poetry that strides out frank and free
your rhythm ed cadences to shine
the white of moon the sun in day
their meeting stunning me today.

This is downright beautiful
as beautiful as the power of sunlit sea
and mountain peak form far away,
you shine your poetry to me.

You got me into 'the mood' that demands poetry, as this is pure poetry,
Lovely judyanne,
love from annanya.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

judyanne

Mon, 2012-06-04 04:23

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for the lovely return verse with its very kind review
hugs
judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

wesley snow

Sat, 2012-06-09 22:00

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I don't think so Kelsey. I believe both of those lines end masculine and hold to her chosen meter. Scan it for me if you still think not, I would like to know what you hear. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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judyanne

Fri, 2012-06-08 13:34

judyanne's picture
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AFT - er - NOON
SUN meets MOON

not unaccented i'm pretty sure, maybe weak rhyme because of the syllables, but masculine........ lol may be wrong

thanks so much for the review
and i'll take another look at that line you stumbled with
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2012-06-09 18:41

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This is a wonderful example of using muted rhyme in a free verse. (OOPS! guess I should clarify that the following deals entirely with the free verse version of your poem)
I did some editing on stanza 1:
Surreal.....vast
the landscape before me
harbouring a double will
seeking freedom
mixing sadness and joy
a portrait brushed with artist's skill

Stanza 2
I'd split line 5 into 2 lines and delete"somehow" in line 2
Stanza 3
Line 1 change night-time to nocturnal
Line 4 change dulled to diminished
Line 9 try a halo of soft blue
line 12 change circle to circumference

Stanza 4
Line 2 try with not a single sound
last line try each time the sun and moon near kiss

I usually don't suggest so many changes but did so upon your request...................stan

judyanne

Wed, 2012-06-20 04:27

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for the suggestions for the free verse
but that wasn't what i was pointing it out to you for :(
... never mind,
i'm not that interested in changing any of the free verse one, but i will check out your suggestions at some time - i just wanted your opinion on the use of rhythm with the write formatted differently to see what effect the change of form had... i didn't want to change too many words

love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

wesley snow

Sat, 2012-06-09 22:04

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did she succeed in her assigned rhymes?
I think so Judy (but you had to know that). I'm with Stan in feeling this is a sharp poem. I have not looked into any revisions, so tell me- did you act on any of Stan's suggestions or is this version I just read the first?
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

judyanne

Wed, 2012-06-20 04:29

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i haven't used any of stan's suggestions pro temp - they were for the free verse format....
- so what you see is the first version...
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Tam the Chanter

Mon, 2012-07-16 07:35

Tam the Chanter's picture

Liked this very much, Judyanne, with a nit-picking remark on verse 2 . Perhaps "tidy" doesn't quite do it justice.
"Across the nodding, waving heads of green" ?

Love
Ian xxx

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

judyanne

Tue, 2012-07-17 08:12

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for the read and suggestion

lol - i tried nodding and waving my head around at the same time, and i didn't feel a bit like a blade of grass or wheat...
but i do see what you mean - 'tidy' is a little sharp for the line... so i went for 'abundanr'

thanks again
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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