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The market

Submitted by Simon on Sat, 2023-01-07 06:41

I'm trading the whole of me
weighing reasonably on scale
show casing and wagging like a tale
padding life-boat alone as I sail
penning my prices in the sky
colorfully like rainbow fly
surely hoping just to be sly
though some moments one can cry
and if you fall stand up and retry

there are two rules in trading
making it a gain or lose
'if you fail to plan you plan to fail'
so the wise man said
all I want and ever think
is just gain and success
the three hundred and sixty five
note jotter just winged off again

one by one i count all as blessings
love and harmony
care and giving
peace and happiness
joy and worthiness in trust
believe and faithfulness

but ego and pride still bad deeds
selfishness and greed
corruption and fraud
criminality and murder
cheating, false and anger
these also are on the scales

the question will be asked
what are your commodities?
have you counted them yet?
how much have you sold?
what do you want to achieve?
I have but just a golden goal
beyond the physical
heaven is a large gain.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Candlewitch

Sat, 2023-01-07 07:11

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I really liked this line: "'if you fail to plan you plan to fail'" a simple truth and wisdom, here.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Simon

Sat, 2023-01-07 07:27

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It's nice to hear from you, happy new year and thanks for your comment.

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Geezer

Sat, 2023-01-07 13:02

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I like the title, the theme being; what will you trade for peace and happiness?
Your language use is good and the pattern and pace likewise.
This one flows well from beginning to end and makes perfect sense. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Simon

Mon, 2023-01-09 09:37

Simon's picture

It's my very pleasure to hear your comment thank you so much.

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Lavender

Sat, 2023-01-07 17:39

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Hello, Simon,
Very clever title and theme. After reading several times, I like this more and more. Much like moral checks and balances within our personal lives.
L

Simon

Mon, 2023-01-09 09:39

Simon's picture

I'm truly glad that you like the work, we grow to learn as we learn to grow.

author comment

Seren

Tue, 2023-01-10 12:38

Seren's picture

I know everyone loves this one and I do too, but that first verse is bothering me, those end rhymes feel jarring to me, maybe it's just me. I feels a like I'm being punched but maybe it's what your intent was to begin with. I look forward to easing myself back into Neo and reading more of your work.

sincerely Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Simon

Wed, 2023-01-11 09:33

Simon's picture

The first stanza start reminding us about day to day activities and how we are been relating with our neighbors that's includes the common man, that's the trading I'm talking about. I hope I've thrown a little light to it.

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