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Just and right (jar)

Submitted by Simon on Tue, 2022-06-28 04:29

there was an old man by the corner
meditating
alone in silence for a while
and a little boy came
in confusion touched him
on the shoulder
the old man fasten his sight open
and began to speak in parables and riddles

rAgain the time has come
"he say"
for the birds of different species
to gather around their nests
group by group electing their leaders
as a sign of unity and understanding
but here comes the scary eagle
looking for who to devour

And the tiniest amongst all
confronted the eagle
singing out loud saying
we might be little and small
but in unity we're bigger and stronger
than you are,
you scavenger of the wind
this is the moment for justice,
truth and right
away with your evil deeds
away,
for your reign is over.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Rosewood Apothecary

Tue, 2022-06-28 05:15

Big scary eagle

This piece strongly amplifies my current distaste for the social and political climate in my country and the glaring issues with our foreign policy since time out of mind. It’s good commentary on a timeless theme. The large bird of prey is often run off by groups of smaller birds acting together. Eagles. Always the symbol of the conqueror. Rome, USA, even fascist Germany leading up to and during World War Two. I’m more of a song bird myself.

“One bright morning
when my work is over
I will fly away home”
B. Marley

Great job,
Tim

Simon

Sun, 2022-12-11 05:13

Rosewood

Thank so much for your comment I really appreciate it's my pleasure that you this piece.

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2022-06-28 06:26

Hey Simon...

I'm in total agrement with what Rosewood says; and I think your poem typifies this behavior. I've seen the smaller birds gang up on a crow or larger bird of prey and drive them off. Nice job! I don't see anything I would change. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Simon

Sun, 2022-12-11 05:15

Thank Geezer

It's highly my pleasure knowing that you like it, I appreciate thank you

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2022-06-28 06:28

dear Simon,

often when the little people unify, they become stronger and more powerful than their enemies. this is a very good teaching story. I much like these lines:

you scavenger of the wind
this is the moment for justice,
truth and right
away with your evil deeds
away,
for your reign is over.

nice to see you, Simon ;) *hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Jackweb

Tue, 2022-06-28 06:46

The visual imageries!

This poem has a political undertone. It truly reflects the political atmosphere in my own nation Africa. Politics has been proven over the years as game of numbers in which the smartest, armed with the required numerical strength, wins the game.

Unfortunately, political leadership and history shows us that complete leaders are rare - especially in non-democratic times.

Just have a look at Nigerian politics, the old men are now out glamoring for presidential positions. Men that supposed to be retired and offer some piece of advice yet, they are seeking this power with all their might.

I love the use of visual imagery used in the poem. It painted a vivid description of the theme.

Beautiful composition!

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

Neopoet

Just and right (jar)