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Lilith

Lilith

Succulent kisses occurring at dusk
from lips that give birth to desire
seductive, warm whispers that murmur and coo
fueling the flames of the fire

soft, silken fingers that tickle and tease
fondling what is in fashion
emerald eyes staring boldly at yours
awakening slumbering passion

tresses of auburn caressing your cheek
raising goose bumps on your skin
all of this making your body alive
and ready for serious sin

she is insatiable, you are her feast
night song seduces your ear
on into darkness her lust has its way
by morning there’s little to fear

for you are her lover, her flesh, and her life,
whatever she wants you to be
just call her sweet Lilith, for that is her name
and your soul can no longer be free

C. Lon R. Bruso

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Comments

I really liked this enchanting poem.

Only suggestion i would offer for you is to add just one word to the following line for sake of rhythm:-

and ready for [some] serious sin

raj (sublime_ocean)

Indeed, my rhythm is not what it once was, in many respects! LOL!! Thanks for reading and reviewing this!

author comment

Ah Lilith. Adam's first wife who has become a demon feasting on the souls of those she seduces. Well told poem.......stan

Your comments are most appreciated and very welcome!

author comment

Love the imagery and language but the meter jumps around to much for me. The accents just don't match up

Scott

That it does, and I'm not entirely sure it was intentional, but, what the hell, I'm old! LOL!!

author comment

I like your heart Lonnie..its powerful....your poems are alive..
struck from the anvil full of the hammer and sparks...
but cadence is the watchmakers tic
the discipline for words that align our march
our step....

and yet.....Here comes Esker and Orgami!
I love the little hitches and wavering notes..
Like Lana Del Rey..a muse I love of late...
she is not perfect..
I listened tonight and heard all her mistakes
like rough cut lumber..
like a statue hewn with a hatchet
who cares...someone made it..
she sang it..
my inner soul caught it..

and like your poems..
It ignites whats here..
where I have walked
and what I have felt and lived
and forgotten

I can polish all I want
but the crash is there..
and oh..what an adventure
the crawl..the speed..

Intense Poem

Thank You!

If you enjoyed this, I am happy, and Your kind words are like aloe on a bad burn! Thanks!

author comment

My voice too Lonnie...Very low..droning..monotone and comforting......I lived with a lively mother and a father
who was loud..A railroader! a bright little sturdy man...a mother robust lifting patients all day..caring for them..I saw the teamwork they did..and I saw my dads drinking..maintenance..He was a happy drunk..but..would play his harmonica in the kitchen all night long...till three.....my mom would lose it on him and try everything to dissuage him......jump on his safety glasses etc.....I alw3ays went to public school tired.....they would ask me to read to the classes loving my voice then ...and ignore me in the playground....so it was....I ended up enjoying the horizon..the clouds..the wind in the trees.....some of the teachers whom were bright as I...some...I always worried that my dad would snap.....kill my mom and all the rest of us but he never did.....he was oblivious......my mom divorced him..."Now you can look after him" when I was twelve......I would awake early after staying up all night..sittting on the roof watching the beauyt of the moon the wind in the poplars to come down from the worry.....sleep three hours ..wake up and clean up the mess....My parents worked...we were told all about that..and sacifice to others...the starving...the wars.......I would try to be a balm but its like this Lonnie..You do see the burn....you get to know what others have in the way of hazards....I will leave that at that.....A friend who went through very bad business..and he was a leader....talked to me and said I would have been a great hostage negotiator....another young man covered in tatoos and working in a resturant run by a very good woman captian said I did good to hold my rage inside.....he saw the balance....so I calm people like they did me...strories and lullabyes...everyone needs a rest......I need my unit rested.....when they rest....I keep watch for abit....when they are awake I can sleep........Strange....the boss at work......never flies off the handle at me like a lot did....just a word and I get it...I understand....nod my head.....and we move on down the trail.....Bad burns.......getting flashbacks.....we were taught empathy and to care....but it never came out of us from all the crushing emotional issues until later... Lately a young man was saying my voice puts him to sleep and he was hapy about that...it calms......the chaos that people wont figure out....like waves all choppy....Go to sleep...dre3amland....you didnt see this.....you will wake up..things will be different.......and usually it is.....but I never sleep..not really....working on my fam here...many issues.....i have to stay out of it...work fam..many issues..I just sing and talk and listen and work...and slowly become unhinged and then re hinge again..
people who went through much are my only comrable....and this Poetry site is my source of great doubt..
if you walk into something with a guestion....you are better then walking in with an answer...thats a kind of blindness....cause when it goes for a shit you go....aha..I kind of knew this might occur...you can flexibally think fast and survive the firefight....rather then struggling with the shit going on..and the individual thinking they are right..they are in control of a situation that is going out of their control.......pysch shit...thats me.....lately all my theories and readins for my age of fifty are like this......NOW I am thrown to the feild...when its all going for a shit......like being behind a deks...and suddenly here I am.....in the middle of it all.......but you are right....I know where a calming soothing word is needed.......The pysch docs..the cops that take me in when Im out of it and strap me down and dig their elbows into me when Im thrashing on the stretcher....the docs who lose it on me because Ive got too many connections and am too bright...too thick....to determined....to far out on the trail...I remember the calm words......because thats like poetry isnt it!! an asian nurse or doctor said e me half in and half out of delirum and mind trauma...You have Beautiful eyes! it was said so calmingly and honestly...
lately Im having a hard time on the trail.....but I remember that......like kind works!!! I had burns myself...frostbite..third degree that got gangrene....on my foot climbing from a car wreck..my shoulder torn..out the door and down on the exhaust...stepping in dirt.....silver sulfadine..stubbonr and out there..and survived...

I see the true hardcore whom I love because they run out far in the distance for the cause..and I love the intellectuals who question the cause.......and Ive met the ones who lived in the middle........Balm......My focus today is on this word........How can I become the balm then the burn? Lonnie..you have helped me so much today!! ha ha....snowing here..cold.....its getting gritty and dug in good in our place here.....real....I got my wish all these years...away from the deks and out in the feild even at my ancient age!!! I hope to do well...
thank you!

I am late to the party, and apologize.
How the hell did I miss this one? Faultless rhyming, beautiful cadence, and you capture the essense of her so, so well, especially at the end - the last line chills and draws me closer.
Most very excellent. Bookmarked, my friend.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Hey, better late than never, right? LOL!! I'm happy you enjoyed this and deeply appreciate your review!

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