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Isis Rising

Submitted by Race_9togo on Wed, 2012-04-18 00:17

Across the unseen water
shrouded in the cool embrace of night
lamps of sleep shine orange-bright
in pools of light suspended in
a swirl of darkened misted gloom
and I, perched on a concrete slab
beside eternal lap of water
that from the empty street
the cops can never see
drink of the darkness
in the silence
to pretend there are no other souls
within a hundred leagues of here.

If I stay silent,
statue-still on slanted concrete,
the rats that live within this tumbled mass of
futile barrier set against barrage
of wind and wave and water
creep from concealment,
claws skittering on stone,
to feed oblivious of my presense
as I wait and look into the east

Where far across the hidden inland sea
the thinest sliver of full moon rises,
and gleam of Ra's reflection
becomes a spread of silver shards
reaching from horizon's edge
out across the suddenly revealed waves
that rise in wind to push the thinning fog
back into sacred memory,
and I rise, I rise as pale light
floods into nighted sky
and wine-dark inland sea
to greet sweet Isis as She rises
as She has risen
every night from darkness
ten thousand years and more.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-04-18 22:39

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hope all is well with you.

This is a beautifully written piece, I expect no less from you, but it doesn't quite grab me, lacks oomph. That might be just me, I'm in a shitty mood.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Cloudthings

Thu, 2012-04-19 01:17

Cloudthings's picture

I really like the marrying of the drab post modern concrete slabs & such with the gorgeous rich fabric of mythology, the gods Isis & Ra, those names themselves dripping with imagery & mystery... Really enjoyed it.

So great to see you here again, wonderful, I look forward to your very considered work.

Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

Race_9togo

Mon, 2012-05-14 10:39

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Sorry for the late reply, but I just got my internet access back.
Thanks for your comments. Anni, It's good to see you back!
Take care.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Seren

Thu, 2012-12-06 05:49

Seren's picture

Isis and Ra etc but it had a distint koori(aboriginal) sound to it I am in awe I absolutely adore this poem ... there is nothing to suggest except that maybe you write more lol giggle

Bravo on a wonderful poem

with love JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Race_9togo

Fri, 2012-12-07 01:08

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In fact this poem is about me, at the Lake Michigan Lakefront in my local neighbourhood, worshipping.
I usually pray to Ra for strength and protection each morning around dawn, and at night I give thanks to Isis for my life and love, when the moon is waxing, and to Hecate, for wisdom and courage against fear and strength of will, when its waning.
Basically, I pray to any God or Goddess I think I need to, at any given moment.
To Thor when it thunders,
Frigga when I need to find some peace in my anger,
Christ when I feel particulary unforgiving,
Allah when I have to say "well fuck, okay, I'll just deal with it, then."
Siva for joy and creation when I'm making stuff
Quetzeqatal when I'm feeling stupid

and...

I like to keep my options open.
Heehee.

21st century paganism ;)

Yes, you know, it does have a koori kind of sound and feel to it. I wonder why that is?

<hugs for the Oz Lady>

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2012-12-08 00:03

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I really liked this and thus feel an urge to mess it up lol. I liked the rhymed beginning and the imagery od dawn over the waters. Now some ideas you can smoke over :
L-4 change in to on
L-6 isolate "And I" in its own line to add impact and give pause
L-10 delete in
stanza 2
L- delete mass of
L-8 divide line between feed and oblivious
Well, I hope that wasn't Too bad lol................stan

Race_9togo

Mon, 2012-12-10 15:55

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Thanks Stan, I'll take a look at your suggestions.
Glad you enjoyed this one.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Ian.T

Sat, 2012-12-08 18:45

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A waking with some of your God's, maybe it is better to have all of them at some time it gives you a better chance if one should claim you.
Um! a Pagan, well for a fully fledged Humon I suppose it is good enough, just be careful that your wishes of religious freedom doesn't end the world on the 21st of Dec, You will ruin all those children's Christmases in one go lol, Enjoyed the write await the next, maybe a series, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Race_9togo

Mon, 2012-12-10 15:49

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LOL
My wife is catholic, so you better believe we celebrate Christmas. I have no probalem with it - Christ is just another god, same as all the others.
And the world isn't coming to and end on the 21st...the mayan calander simply clicks over into a new cycle, just like a speedometer!
Glad you enjoyed this one.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-12-10 18:06

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Yep, I have written a long piece about Cata a stone Mason, he carved the great Mayan calendar, lol
It runs for 5200 years then I guess you have to start again I shall ask him when I see him next.
We align with the centre of our Galaxy every 26000 years and Cata informs me that he wasn't going to carve a calendar for that length of time so he split it up into 5 lots, Cata laughed at me and said, can you imagine a desk calendar that lasts that long. It's common sense that when you reach the end you just start at 0000.
Have a read of his work in the Mayan times when they asked him to carve for them ???
Have a very happy season and have some fun on Day 4 of the new era, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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