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The iPad Blues (A new form workshop) Edit

Edited
My iPad tumbled to the cement
screen cracked, fell near my car
I forgot it was sitting on my lap
I'm glad it still works as intended.

But still my peace fades
dreading has me in a daze.

My iPad now defective
I can't go on watching this cracked screen
every time I enter my password.

The damage is not that bad
I'm just mad
I can't live with this iPad.

Ha, I bought a new one
placed a bid on eBay and won
now I have a bigger one

I can store so much more
of my games, songs galore

Now my iPad doesn't freeze
when I try to read
my favorite website feeds.  

Happy days are here again
No more iPad blues causing me pain.

Original Version
If it's defective
I can't deal with it
I cracked the screen on my iPad
It works fine, it's not that bad

It's just that my brain
Can't live with the strain.
So I bought a new, bigger one
From eBay my bid won.
~
Now I store more stuff
On my new iPad
It don't freeze or crash
Whenever I play my games.

As I'm Morphing this poem
The first two stanza is rhyming
And the latter is free form.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Good to know that you wrote this one based on real time experience. I note that the poem began with a senryu in the first Stanza and then switched to free form from Stanza 2, it would have been better if you had built more in the senryu form before transitioning into free form...of course that's my opinion...let us see what others have to say as well as Stan..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks I could have build it more. I may do just that. I'll wait to see what Stan has to say and some others.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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I suppose that after the Senryu there could have been the two lines of 7-7 to make it sing a little but as it is you have succeeded in the outline of the workshop, good work there now it will be my turn when the others have commented on this one.
Take care, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks Ian, I think you are right. I could have made it a tanka. I just might do that.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

I think it flow a bit better with the changes. If it's not long enough, I have a tad more to add. Just where would I put it? I'll wait for more suggestions. This is fun. I wonder if I'm morphing or switching. I think I have at least three forms here. Tanka, Rhyme, and Free form.
I'll wait on Stan

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

Trust you make a liar of me by having said that using more that 2 forms likely wouldn't work well in a short poem !

Let's see, you started with Senryu then went to rhyming couplet. Next you started a stanza in free form then switched midway to rhyming which was followed up with an entire stanza of metered rhyme. Last 6 lines were then in free form. Did I miss anything?

Now comes the final test of whether this works....Read It Aloud. Pretty simple test. I think you will find a few flaws by doing so............stan

PS the next poem will be posted Sunday. This should give ample time for suggestions and possible tweaking

Lol. I do what comes natural base on what the objective is. Sometimes I get it right the first time or I miss it completely. Im surprise about the meter since it the hardest for me to get . I read it aloud and is not sure where my flaws is thus I'll wait for more suggestions .

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

That's what this shop is for. To not only become familiar with this new thing but to actually help develop it..........stan

When do you want my piece for this workshop, it is ready, I have spent two hours mulling over the lines lol.???
Take care hope to hear from you in PM to remind me.
Yours Ian.T
PS:- have just seen the answer in your comment to Barbara, I shall post mine first thing Sunday morning BST lol, so you mind you read it carefully, love you all..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

We'll all get our critique knives sharp for it lol......stan

I got dizzy switching back and forth. As for length, I think if you have more you should use it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thanks. I do have a little bit more that could work. I'll have to decide where to put. It just a bit of what I did with the old iPad. Maybe. Since my switching made you dizzy do you think you can handle more length. Would think of what form I already have to add it to. .

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

Let's not do any editing other than typos and such until we've had a chance to review everybody's poems. We'll then use accumulated ideas to each do a rewrite of our poems at that time................stan

I would love to be able to say that we only comment on the ones that have commented on the previous poems in this workshop.

We seem to be short of a few that are partaking of this workshop.

Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I have also noticed a few people who signed up not being involved. I suspect unanticipated real world events have come up for them and perhaps they will be able to jump in later on. But the posting of new poem will proceed as scheduled..............stan

I'm a little confused about the initial movement from "it works just fine" to you being agitated because it's broken.
I like the poem - a mixture of real world frustration along with a little comedy. I thought the rhymed lines brought out the comedy. The stumble I hear is with these lines:

So, I bought a new bigger one
I placed my bid on eBay and won.

maybe: So, ha! I bought a new and bigger one
I placed my bid on eBay--and won!

That'll teach your iPad to tumble.

Thanks I will take you suggestion into consideration. Once Stan give us the go ahead to revise and edit for the workshop.

Maybe —a cracked screen
Though it works as intended.
Then
Your suggestion makes for fun comic reading.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

This IS the edit phase so edit at will lol.........stan

Let me see if I can make it less confusing. I try your suggestions.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

I thought I have commented on everyone's workshop post. It seems I missed yours, sorry.

I see in your edited version alternative sets of blank and rhyming verses (all in free form).
I thought this is not bad at all as it reflects the author's unstable mood between being mad from the old ipad and being happy for getting a new one...congratulations for that!

As a result I see that this stanza doesn't belong or it should rhyme as the other sets that describes the speaker's happy mood.

Now my iPad don't [doesn't] freeze
when I try to read
my favorite web sites

At least how I see it.
I really like your spontaneous way of talking about your everyday's life.

Thanks for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thanks. I have edited your suggestions and it does work better

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

is that I don't see a dramatic change. The morph in my eyes seems almost too subtle for the workshop goals. However, I like the poem in general and I sympathize with your grief.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thanks for you comment. I don't know what more to add to make it stand out for you. You have any suggestions.. I'm not that grief stricken, it's an iPad. It can and has been replaced twice. This is my third iPad lol. Thought it might resonate in a comic poem.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

I like the subtle transition from non-rhyme to rhyme and think it suits the mood well. I'm glad you took Rula's suggestion; it was a good one. A good poem about turning lemons into lemonade. I especially liked stanza 4 - lots of times we get upset over stuff that isn't that big a deal.

Thanks. I thought Stan wanted to be a bit subtle. Not too much or to subtle that you missed. Lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

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