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I need to recharge

Run down, as tired as all hell,
racing mind slowing
like the fading of a bell,
It always used to be

a recharge needed on my part;
but a spinning pump
deep implanted in my heart,
that now can only be

run by electricity
in new days of health
Now reminds insistently
With constant beep to me

From a pocket sized control
that my batteries
can’t keep powering my soul
And I had better run

To swap them with a new set
or plug myself into the house
so what holds my cyborg heart
can get a new recharge.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
Changed 1/24/22 to conform more tightly with the original syllabyl structure, and rhyme.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

to hear that you have back-up batteries! LoL
The scansion is a little irregular, but you definitely get the message across.
The flow is pretty good due to the near rhyme and the pace keeps things moving along.
Keep it up! ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Polishing it up in a day or two.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Yep, it's literal.
Rhyme is difficult for me; that's probably the cause of the first and last being disparate. As I said to Gee, I'm going to revisit this poem very soon, see if I can't tighten things up.
Dialysis. Ouch. I hope you don't have to.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Talk about taking the prompt literally ! Perhaps a solar back up? As stated earlier you could clean this one up a bit withoutt much change........stan

LOL. You know, I've been trying to find a way to use solar for the recharge. But not for the controller, it's only got a 15-minute charge.
Concerning the clean-up...yes, I agree, it needs work, which I am going to try and start early this coming week. I'm a free-verse guy, as you know, so rhyme is a bit difficult for me.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I really like the drama…. And the literalness. The theme appeals to me, almost any time I can reaad poetry from the patient point of view, I’m interested.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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I often write from real personal events. I guess it's just more immediate, and vivid, for me.
Glad that you enjoyed my effort!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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