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I felt it die

the night screams
as I rip at the fabric
covering my mind
attempting to
tear out the ‘look’

poisoned barbs dig deep
your anger descends
as does each stab,
you look down
from so very high
but no longer see me

curling under the stars
and held in agony
without a single tear
I cry a river of silent voices
on a pillow of crimson stars

bleeding out your venom
I become transparent,
again I feel your ire
and seconds later
something dies

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I feel like this poem got off to a great start. Word selection, imagery and flow all there. I was derailed at "I cry a ..." At this point through the end, it feels a little cliché. I do like the imagery of the line "I cry...", but I had to read it a couple of times to get past the first part of the line. Perhaps something like:

silent voices soak
my pillow
bedded with wounded stars

The other two words I had an issue with were "bleeding" and "seconds". Changes in those locations can really strengthen this poem.

Is the last line necessary? Try reciting the poem to yourself a couple of times and see if you keep wanting to insert it.

Again, I really liked the start and think this poem has lots of potential.

Scott

Scott

Thanks for your generous and kind critique this is still in the birthing stages and I value all suggestions, I have a few poems I plan to work on over the weekend this ones going to be the first, its nearly saying what I want to say but its just missing the mark in a few places, I will take into account your thoughts on the "I cry" line I like your suggestion and I will try and work on that part of the poem I certainly didn't want to distract from the flow of the poem, the use of bleeding and seconds ? I will take a look at that and see what I can come up with an the end line ? I wasn't sure of it and now I am even more unsure lol I think I might trash it in the edit

I really appreciate the time you took with this its always welcome

regards JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Its always a pleasure to hear your thoughts on my work, I am doing much better now I was meant to have more surgery at the end of this month but they have had to put it off for another health reason so it will be January before I have my final operation, I had a condition called cauda equina syndrome and I had to have emergency surgery to remove pressure from my spinal cord it was very frightening but I am on the mend until the last surgery that is lol. I hope your doing well and everything is progressing smoothly with your studies its been a while since I've heard anything from you so it was such a pleasure to see you here tonight

ok to go over your points

I agree with You and Scott I have decided when I do my edit to remove the last line I think its superfluous, Now onto the use of fabric your exactly right as to what I meant when I used fabric maybe membrane or something more stiffling hmmmm I will think on that one, I really need the right word there

I laughed out loud when I read you didn't understand the "look", I guess it comes with being with someone for so long with just a look you can feel their displeasure, I have been in two long term relationships in my life and both times I have gotten to know them so well that with just a look from one of them I could go from sunny and happy to miserable and feeling like my feet were falling through the floor, I don't know that that explains it but its how it was for me

"When the narrator is free of this venom, this harmful stuff inside them, they are out of harm's way. Thus, the narrator is free to be transparent because she doesn't need that protection anymore (does that make sense?)."

You have interpreted this perfectly I couldn't have put it into better words than those you have used, the negative and the positive shape everything in our lives, our experiences and hurts and triumphs are part of who we are, the light and shade is different for each and everyone of us some people live deplorable lives some people grow up in the shelter of a happy home never knowing the real hate and misery that lines the streets of every town and city on the face of the earth

sorry for my very long response lol I was excited and very appreciative of your critique and your on the mark comments

thanks for the visit

with love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

and as always thank you I value your thoughts and suggestions

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

How well I know "THE LOOK." I can take one look at him and know what feeling it is he is feeling. It can make you go from smiling to annoyed to angry to sad all in the same breath. Sometimes the words that follow those looks are so toxic, you are absolutely right. Something dies...

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

That look eh ? there is nothing else quite like it, I am glad you connected with the poem thanks for your read and your thoughts they are always appreciated

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

A great write, I am one of those that had a lovely childhood, but have seen the dregs I shall say of humanity and the effect they have on others then the ones that assume they need to control others.
They feed off of others with no thought as to feelings others need to have.
It is a world I have seen but will not enter.
You take care and know that you are precious to all,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I was blessed to have a reasonably happy childhood it was only later I got to see the ugly side of life, people who like to control and manipulate others in my opinion aren't quite human, I cant for the life of me understand how they can cause such hurt without seeing or feeling what they are doing to the other person, its like they are barren of feeling but in some cases I know they get off on seeing the pain it gives them such pleasure, I have seen it with my own eyes

its always nice to know your valued somewhere. hugs

love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment
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