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Hypnogagia

the worm burps chrysanthemums
like hypnic jerk
matter becomes metaphor

thats how the beast works with in us
we are a book of masks
and i'm up to my neck in
mirrors of the marvelous

midnight music beguiles like a blizzard of whispers
flaming candles heat like ovens
burning finger by finger
i melt flabbergasted in dark linoleum clouds

blood gluttonous
tender bites
lips like red rain and trussed thighs
she grins
a face of needles and mice

i think she wants me

this old man, soggy eyed mop
linen wrapped
before aortic aneurysms
i'm a living tarot card
the falling tower and the lovers
break downs and break throughs
my groin a slobbering clot
dreaming panties drenched
straight jacketed on her knees
pussy willow shadows
drooling exacerbations
a caffeinated candy
licked thickly
twitching blinks; rem ejaculations

her face; a tattooed anus
shit mouth smiles
brown one eyed gnome
fuck the stinking cyclops
ennui; ass talk lubricates
a raspberry crumble
looking for god

omniscient
even in sodom

the white swans utterance
incoherence's
dressed in a whores negligee
her belly a thousand sucking mouths
and i press into her thunder
shattering dawns gravity
a pinhole of empty cups

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I don't believe we've met, so welcome to Neo if I missed your arrival.

From the poem, I can't tell if you love women with every fiber of your being, or hate everything about them except their bodies (or if the narrator/character does if this is a fictional persona). Maybe that was the intention with the mix of magic and whimsy and visceral physicality. I looked up the word of your title. Not sure if the person who is between sleep and wakefullness is the woman, or you/the narrator (or if it even makes a difference). I hope these wonderings of mine are useful to you, if you decide to revise the poem further.

A small typo, which doesn't really take away from the poem at all; I still know what you mean and get an amazing image from it, but since I noticed it, I thought I'd mention it. If there were any others, I didn't notice:

"the worm burps crasanthyums" --> [chrysanthemums]

I'm also severely jealous that I didn't write this line. It seems exactly like my cup of tea when it comes to imagery.

Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment.

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

"Critique, don't comment".....Does this mean you prefer I do not write back to you?

author comment

It means being constructive instead of praising without substance when you post a comment on someone else's poem, but I'm sure you actually already understand that.

Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment.

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

I understand being constructive.I understand substance and praise and its absence; however I didn't take it that way. I took it to mean that you prefer I don't respond at all to your comment and that the questions you pose are in essence rhetorical for me to ponder
ie quite literally "don't comment."

Best Z

author comment

That phrase is a part of my set signature on Neopoet and comes straight from the community guidelines, so a lot of people recognize that directive. Please forgive me if it seemed directed at you. I thought you were being sarcastic/smart aleck about it! Such is the downfall of alphanumeric communication, no tone or body language.

Here's the whole passage, if you're interested:

Critique, don’t comment. Neopoet is primarily a workshop environment, where you can expect to receive critique of various levels. We ask that you don’t take harsh feedback to heart and if you feel it appropriate, ask the author of the critique to offer you suggestions if they haven’t already. If you feel you need more assistance, contact one of the mentors who will be willing to support and guide you. (NB: the Mentors program has not yet been launched, so in the meantime, please seek assistance from the workshop moderators).

And if you have answers to those questions I asked, I would love to know, since you certainly have a way with words. But if you do just want to take them rhetorically to preserve a little mystery, that's your prerogative!

Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment.

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

So sorry for the misunderstanding. My self esteem is low enough not to be to smart an ass ;)
Its my pleasure to make your acquaintance too and please feel free to be totally honest in your critiques!
Im here to learn and love to hear the way my work impacts another, so thank you kindly for taking the time to read and comment on my work. It is very appreciated always although I hate to disappoint but on the other hand love to evolve. Its always more than worth it to evolve ones understanding and craft!

"I can't tell if you love women with every fiber of your being, or hate everything about them except their bodies (or if the narrator/character does if this is a fictional persona)."

I definitely love women to an extreme

her face; a tattooed anus
shit mouth smiles
brown one eyed gnome
fuck the stinking cyclops

This is an affirmation of my love for the transgressive and dark side of eroticism The sensuality of the enigmatic , a kind of feral lust and desire of the lucid voluptuous bizarre and strange ie erotic horror....phantasmagorias dark embrace.

Hypnogagia: I liked it because in that place between sleep and wakefulness we move beyond the limits into the innerness of seeing our subluminal lunar treasures ie the delicious side of madness, the flux of meta self.

"the worm burps crasanthyums" --> [chrysanthemums]
I'm also severely jealous that I didn't write this line. It seems exactly like my cup of tea when it comes to imagery. ...Thank you for the spell correction and the compliment!

HELL YEAH! I like your thoughtful comments

Best Z :)

author comment
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