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HORROR WHORE ...IM JUST A LITTLE TURNED ON ...sexual content

Submitted by zebra on Mon, 2018-10-29 12:30

going to the horror films
at ten years old
i wanted to be bitten by the vampire ladies

you know the ones
red brides from the netherworlds
all heaving blouse muffins
divinities of evil
with that dah look
in silky white gowns
a little messy from sleeping in the dirt
culture vulture goth girls
with upside down crosses
slags, all gauzy bats in the belfry
deranged

but after all they were
dead
and dreadfully appealing
and I'm pretty fussy
so what the hell

they walked like floats
in marshy air
never touching the ground
above frozen dark crypt terrains
with twinkly bare feet
and black high glossed toenails
staring out of blood spilled eyes
drooling cloudy mouth hollows
and a yearning hungry countenance
encouraging me
to get closer
to bite me all over
pierce me
with needly fangs
puncturing little holes in tender me
making me leak like bad plumbing
until i sloped into the bog below

of course, i was panicked
all trembly
but i had a big one
for these evil shadowy bitches too

so i thought
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
are you gonna kill me?
i asked

they drooled

ooow okay, i thought is it gonna hurt?
they shook their heads yes!

and drooled

real bad?
i inquired further
ah ha
they lingered glaring

drooling

i guess, waiting for me to make up my mind
oh okay anything for you
you dark dreamy girls
dilapidated queens of hell
with ballet derrières

"down and down I go
round and round I go
in a spin, lovin' the spin I'm in
under the old black magic called love"

after all at ten years old,
i already knew i was
a horror whore
and just a little turned on

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Mon, 2018-10-29 17:01

Geezer's picture
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I like the title, it hung together well and ran like warm blood down the page.
I guess your spell-check is either turned off or you choose to ignore it, because you missed the [where]
it should be were. But, I will forgive you for that and the use of the next to last stanza. My mother used to sing that song and others around the house while she did her housekeeping thing. It fits right in there. Nice stuff! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

zebra

Tue, 2018-10-30 13:33

zebra's picture

Ran like luke warm blood down the page. OMG damn man …... I love it ! :)
I spell like lit :) and then yeah, spell check seems to click in and out
Yeah a great song

Wanted to comment on the issue of motive as it pertains to murder Often as In traditional stories murder is most often attributed to rage or manipulation or getting back for an injustice rarely to sensuality. dark eroticism, and paraphilias, Perhaps a new take for some but one I've been mining for years
Will fix spelling ,,,Dah

Thanks Geezer Love your comment

author comment

Eumolpus

Mon, 2018-10-29 22:45

Eumolpus's picture

me, I like longer poems. Most people lately don't. (Or the attention span is as long as our great high exalted mystic leader.)
I like the style. As long as the reader is guided along, it becomes a kind of karaoke. You have to read it like you're singing along. It has a type of theatrical demand on the reader.

I think this one is the right length to explore a theme. Some of the other poems posted recently are a bit too long...even for me. One solution, of course, to the very long work is to break them up in sections...

This one hits the mark spot on. There was always eroticism connected to vampires, but like recently in "True Love", it went all the way...artistically and literally.
Happy Halloween

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

zebra

Tue, 2018-10-30 13:50

zebra's picture

Do you mean the tv series true blood?

Well I'm tacking between long and short writes. I love a good poetic rant and to your point as long as it holds its ground. If it doesnt I'm exhausted, lazy thing that I am. I write that way when I'm feeling lucid, but readily acknowledge that one mans sweet spot is another man brain rot.

I'm a bit home spun with no formal training.... I know I need to work on breaks and craft. What is less evident, are the blind spots What I want, not that its your job or anybody else's I need specifics, as in like this might break here or there etc. as in a workshop. I privately sent you a poem I greatly admire by Ocean Vuong He has breaks I don't understand and I know he has high technical expertise,a published poetry star and teaching here at Smith He has another piece on craft that alludes me etc. Irrespective of grammatical cues I read my own work as I would like it to sound as if it where cued, acknowledging a schism between intention and manifestation For most, poetry is obscure and so development to the finer points would be lost even to many poets I know who have written on sites that you have described never the recipient of useful guidance
Irrespective of any push back on my part I always appreciate your thoughtful comments

Ill take a harder look at my longer posts and see what I can do to tighten and polish Will appreciate any specific suggestions about the bits and pieces you may feel to comment about

Best Always Z

author comment

lovedly

Tue, 2018-10-30 02:34

lovedly's picture

at ten years age
or
as ten years old

For Halloween
no one is old
I still love choco's
from house holds

zebra

Tue, 2018-10-30 13:37

zebra's picture

Me to !!!! And yeah I have on occasion encountered ghosts and so has my wife So it's been Halloween at my house off calendar on occasion

author comment

lovedly

Wed, 2018-10-31 01:39

lovedly's picture

ghosts at times make a plot
to come upon weaker minds
and shine
if you go to the loo at night
in utter darkness
switch on no lights
then when you return to your bedroom
you will see
layers upon layers of bed-sheets
and beddings
ghosts you feel
but when you see a distant bulb glowing
you accept all was simple hallucination

ghosts exist still in feeble minds only
but they do
if you wish them to

So Happy Halloween
may a million ghosts visit you
sleep at night
near Ride-lieu
the cemetery may welcome
you

Eumolpus

Tue, 2018-10-30 19:52

Eumolpus's picture

To really work on craft is a challenge. Many have written their version of basically "how to write a poem" or "how I write a poem", I think the most popular of late is the May Oliver one. Also is to read books about poetry, usually by poets. There are so many, most comment on the poets in their generation and past and you learn so much from their perspectives...Most poets write these books like I am writing this...very easy and conversational. I'll send you a personal list.
Check out poetry workshop groups in your area. If none, hey start your own, you'll be shocked at how many people around you write poetry, and have nobody to share with. I attend two, one is my own, and the feedback and ideas, are invaluable besides being a great joy. The best ones have you read your poem and remain silent while the crowd dissect it and discuss it, you join in later. Then you really hear how your work is received.
The last thing is to force yourself to occasionally write in forms- sonnets, villanelles, etc. It teaches you control, and gives you a new freedom to focus on language and content and not the form. It's like a screen actor going back to the stage, or a modern artist going to drawing class...it will help you in your own voice, help your overall craft.
I bought today "The Inner West" by Jay Kinny at the used bookstore. Every swami, alchemist, witch, kabbalist, is in there, should give me some perspective on your work.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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