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The Dark side of the Moon

Her precious lips fade to black
pale blue eyes glaring back
Wrinkles of skin peel away
peach tinted cheeks shed and red tethers stay

She phases to the sun and glows bright
reflections of others mirror her sight
drowning in melancholy moon light
forget the shell wrap pulled too tight

Her siren calls you to a facade
her beauty glass sparkles like a god
Insides torn to mesh and blood
steaming her nature to killer scud

The Dark side of her Moon is revealed to all
if never kept away she'd eventually fall
What we see is what we believe
and her Moon shaped mask calls us like sheep

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
here you go you fucking gremlins
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


This is a fascinating poem, and I love all the mysterious fantasy.
I love your title, though it did remind me of the song Shang sings from the Disney Mulan, so I was expecting something very different, but I am sure that's just me. ;D
Your language use is good, though I feel like it is very constrained by your meter and rhyme. That is - you use certain words because you MUST in order to rhyme, and it actually ends up not sounding very good in certain places.
Yeah, here's the issue: the rhythm is very bad. (please don't take this personally, I'm just being honest :) ) You have hardly any lines in the individual verses that have the same amount of beats, and when they do, the pacing of the words is off. If you would like, I can go through your poem and suggest amendments to fix most of these rhythmic wrinkles, but I will not elaborate without your consent. Point: the rhythm needs a LOT of work.
The theme appeals beautifully, though there were some places where I was slightly confused such as: what 'mesh and blood' have to do with a giant rock in the sky? XD Maybe I am being too realistic . . .
Reading this poem, I feel like the beginning is very, very good. Solid and engaging all at once. The end, in contrast, is very weak. (again, nothing personal) I think this is because, again, you were restricted by your rhyme instead of bolstered by it, which made the last word of the poem 'sheep', not such a great, profound, or punctual ending-word. The end could use some thought and perhaps rewriting.
For the most part, yes, your logic is consistent. I think where you lose some logic is at the end of the second verse and almost the whole fourth. It is rather disjointed and hard to follow.

On a whole, the way I would summarize this poem is in four words: A lot of promise. It's not really ready to be complete yet. It needs a lot of work, but the idea and so many of the metaphors are really, really good. It's like a puzzle that got put together crooked. Just some straightening needed.
And gremlin? XD OK
Hope that helped. I really do like your poem and look forward to see it grow.

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

sorry im just clearing up this was a poem for a contest on a different site the prompt was people have a hidden side of themselves like the dark side of the moon. thanks for the feedback i really appreciate it.

author comment

Oh no need to be sorry at all! XD
Good luck in the contest!

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

said everything I would have said and more. I cannot elaborate on her review at all. ~ Geezer.

is indeed the title of an awesome song by Pink Flloyd however titles cannot be copy written so you are safe there Your writing intrigues me in a strange way I absolutely love the way you have arranged your words I look forward to reading more of you


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