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Goddess of the sea

way down
below the ocean
i watch her tinted frown
her silk creation, of painted sea
a vast green ember of watering plea

way down
below her ocean
where she has made me
i embrace the warm waves
and her crashing shores

though it will not be a calm sea
i bathe in her reflecting pool of deep emotion
that cold water tickling my being

she is watching a ship split her great tides
it follows her growing waves
her moving embrace

but way down
below the ocean
we watch
as she makes her leave
a thousand laid gods of her land
embark to her ever reaching horizon

way down
below the ocean
where i may be
i feel her hand on my face

way down
below the ocean
my eyes awake to a blinding land

my hand feels the hot sand
the grains seep through my fingers
and i look toward her ocean
her great endless sea of green

i watch as she is swept away
i lay, waiting
wanting

i hear her voice, whispering
whispering beyond the vast tides
through the breaking waves
her voice reaches my ears
she looks past her horizon and say's to me

way down
below the ocean
where our people may be
they will start a new
and sing
hail Atlantis, our goddess of the sea

i watch her drift deep below her sparkling waves
my hand graces the surface of her oceans
i look to her
and i whisper
hail Atlantis

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
i hope you enjoy a more improved poem that follows the format, also please be as critical as possible, i want to learn from my mistakes :)))
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I really really like this. But I will say I think it needs more work. I am not going to dissect everyones work at this stage I'm back from a long hiatus. I want to read everyone more thoroughly and get a feel for their work. I have a lot of thoughts on this poem. I noticed you have worked on this and anything I have to offer would be to make this little gem shine. Nice to meet you.

Kind regards Jayne.

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

id love to hear your thoughts on my work it would help to hear a more experienced writers thoughts. its a pleasure to meet you as well :))))

author comment

For the next three weeks I will be busy with moving so the best your going to get is a lot of attaboys and corrections.

I am making a shortlist of poems that I think I can be of help to this one is the first on my list. I think its got potential. So when time permits I will work on my list and post my thoughts.

Its lovely to meet you too. :)))

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Welcome to neopoet.
What I like about this is the deepness and the imagery, here I shall show you an example of one of your stanza's

she watches---- these two words are redundant?
Or simply
She's watching a ship split her great tides
it follows her growing waves
her moving embrace

I think you have made a great effort to use stanza's remember that when we write poems sometimes less is more. I use far too many words sometimes and just going through a poem with fresh eyes can truly show what is needed and which words aren't
I hope this has helped you today

The ocean a subject always fascinating.

Thank you...Teddy

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