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<p>As i sit here
listening to her tell me about an annoying experience with her friend,
I try and reflect on the choices that led me to this one moment,
this crucial moment,
that means almost nothing on the surface.

I think about how i could have just let her look at the classroom board and not ask her out on the spot,
or maybe i could have avoided being her partner in television production,
or not talking to her everyday or never feeling her warm hand in mine
while we walked down a hallway from her art show that seemed to end too soon,

i could have just stayed with her a bit longer
i could have let her go instead of having her let me go.
I could have never talked to her again and never have seen her face stare back at mine in embrace,
i could have stayed home that day and not biked in the smouldering heat for five minutes of being with her,
i could have told her how i felt i could have stayed silent,

i should have talked more,
i should have been more confident,
i should have realized what it meant to have her say i love you,
i should have said i loved her every day,
i should have fought more to be with her, i should have been there for her,

i shouldn't have cried when she told me it was over,
i shouldn't have missed her when i sat in a room with a dead relative,
i shouldn't have needed her, i shouldn't have ached every waking moment,

i shouldn't have listened to our song,
our coffee song,
the song i know i felt she wrote even though she had never spoken those words,

i never should have missed her,
and i never should have told her how i felt in a drunk blind attempt at love,
i never should have let her suck me back in,

i never should have let myself go to a different school,
i never should have moved back home closer to her, to be with her one last time,
i never should have stayed in a call, and listened to her steady breath as she feel asleep,
i never should have been there for her, i never should have fallen asleep with her,

i could never ever let myself be what i should have been,
and yet, even though it never should have or could have happened,
it did.

I had the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with in my hands,
in my arms,
and she flew away,
like she had before,
and yet,
once again,
i find myself, back,
back with her,
hearing her voice,
her face pressed against a pillow,
her eyes fall and i wish i could kiss her,
but i can't,
i never could,
but as though a sick trick, something continues to pull me toward her,
and she to me,
it may be separated by a vast distance of time yet in the end we reach the same destination of damned destined dreaded fate,

i hate how much i love her.
I hate how much she loved me,
I hate that I can't say to her, even though she is right in front of me,
that I,
without a single doubt in my mind,
without the slightest misthought,
truly love her.

And still I stay silent, and my thoughts drift,
I think of a time when it was simple, just me and her,
and our coffee song,
that sweet moment of bliss,
that i can never have, but will never forget.
I miss you,
even though i'm with you.</p>

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
this is piece is mainly therapy for me, i wanted to express myself so i would go completely insane, you can critique if you like, but i want you the reader to know, this is personal, so be truthful on how you feel. :)
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


I wish that you could have put this into a poem form! I'm sure that this is not the last on the subject and that when you write more, you will make it more poem and not prose. You have the potential for .a truly great poem here. Tear this apart and try to pare it down to lines that give the bones of it and you will have a good poem. Or write a new one using this to guide you.
Welcome to Neo. I hope that you find a home here. ~ Geezer.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!

Well, I sort of have mixed feelings with this.
Mostly, I'd say they're definitely positive. I'm just not fully sure about the structuring. I had a few thoughts about this as I was reading.
I think your story-telling is excellent and there are so many backstories you touched on here that I find fascinating, so I think this could really work as a short story if you ever wanted to try that. (If you have, I would be very, very interested in reading it).
I thought another style might involve adding in stanzas, even if you kept the blocks of text like this. But I think that sectioning them off might make it a little less overwhelming to read.
The one thing, though, that I think does work very well in this format is that the climax really works. Towards the end I was enthralled. It was excellent. However, I definitely don't think this effect would be lost in other formats.
Obviously if this is the style you really like then there's no reason to change. This was just what I was thinking as I read this.

As for non-structural thoughts: I think the main aspect that stuck out was the very end. "I miss you, even though i'm with you." I think that's really powerful. It's a really great use of paradox, and it summarises the whole story perfectly.

I hope you keep publishing.

thank you so much it means alot, ill be sure to change the format! :))

author comment

Wow, it's very different in this format. It's interesting because I think I was wrong about it still being able to achieve the same climax that it did, but I think it still works really well at the end, it's just a lot slower now. Quieter.
But I think the poem is far better now. It's a lot clearer, easier to read. I really like it. I think your ability to tell a story in this form is really spectacular.

thank you so much :)))

author comment

in the way that it reads. I like the content even more. Good work. ~ Geezer.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!

Please use stanzas when you are writing poetry
example being

As I sit here listening to her
tell me about an annoying experience
with her friend

I try to reflect etc etc and so on

it makes it so much easier for the reader also you may have an excellent piece of work written but it is going to get passed by because of the format

bear in mind this is poetry not a novel
give it a try you will find you get a far better response


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So I won't bang on with any unwanted critique.
Loved it when I first read it. In my head, the pace was pretty
frenetic, and I didn't so much read it in my head, as I did rap it...
and rap's not a genre I particularly like. But this has a great,
organic's like a stream of consciousness thought
in poetic form. From, "I thought I had the person I wanted to
spend the rest of my life with in my arms", I found the tone changed.
No biggie, nothing just slowed down. Could make
a parts 1 and 2 poem, easily.
I reckon it would be worth your effort
to streamline it one day. Re-visit and re-work. It's worth it.

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