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Dark

Submitted by Hooded Stranger on Tue, 2010-11-09 14:49

Dark

I penetrate your eyes, searching
The dark corners of your mind
The ones you try too hard to disguise

I contemplate your face, staring
At the dark spaces deep within
The ones you try so hard to replace

Dancing in Hell, in the blackest dark
Gyrating to cause a flaming spark

Dancing with the Devil, in the darkest black
There's no light, to find your way back

I infiltrate your eyes, hunting
Those dark places in your head
The ones you try too hard to hide

I illuminate your face, scanning
For dark demons deep within
The ones you try so hard to erase

I look at your face and into your eyes
The shadows give away your demise
I look into your eyes and at your face
Watching you slowly fall from grace

© 2010 hoodedstranger.com

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

ziggy

Tue, 2010-11-09 15:23

the title is so hoodish (love it)
" I contemplate your face, staring
at the dark spaces deep within"- as good a line as i
have read for a while fantastic ,,,,,, I see you used all caps
where the lines begin ,,,,,,,
" I infiltrate your eyes hunting
those dark places in your head
the ones you try so hard to hide"
brill lines again, which come in a close second as to my fav
in this fantasticly dark provoking write the next stanza flows
perfectly with the last I mentioned, and the last stanza is so
complete summing it all up for an exit and so very well worded,
I have to say I know I dont have you archive to check on any more
which I find a huge loss but this is as good if not better as I remember
from you but this is only my personal view ,,,,,,,5 stars o ya they are gone
and not missed as I see it cheers dan for sharing this one ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-11-10 14:07

Hooded Stranger's picture

Zigs,

I thought you'd appreciate my title...I do find titles are really important, despite the fact I choose to only ever use one word titles. So choosing one word to attract the reader can be tough...but I enjoy that challenge.

The verses and chorus did not feel quite enough so I added an outro to finish it off...this one is still work in progress but I intend to keep the repeated words where they are as they work, for me, as lyrics...should it become just a poem then I would use alternatives for the repeated words.

I have everything backed up and you need not worry about my back catalogue as it will all be displayed on my site...including all your work too!

Thanks for the comment my friend,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

lou

Wed, 2010-11-10 04:38

lou's picture

Wonderfully (dark) and brooding , I love the emotion that you are able to convey. The only thing that I would say is, that the word face is repeated in the last verse, i think it might be better if you used another word for face, or another word that conveys the meaning,

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-11-10 14:11

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

The word Eyes is repeated in 1st and 3rd verse and used twice in the outro, just as Face is repeated in 2nd verse and 4th verse and again twice in the outro. As a song, repetition is often the key and thus the repeated use of both these words throughout was intentional.

I may actually re-write this simply as a poem and then I can use your suggestion of alternatives to the repeated words. Thanks for the input my friend.

This is quite a dark write for me and will fit very nicely on the next album which isn't going to be about flowers and nice things.

Thanks for dropping by with your comment,

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Race_9togo

Wed, 2010-11-10 05:08

Race_9togo's picture
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This one is excellent. Broodingly powerful, and relentless in its confrontation of secrets exposed.
I do agree with lou, perhaps some alternatives to "face" would be in order, but in the context of a lyric, this would make one hell of a good song, just the way it is.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-11-10 14:09

Hooded Stranger's picture

Jim,

thanks for the comment my friend. I can see see you fully understood it.

Lou is absolutely right, if this was a poem...but since it is lyrics, I am happy with the repetition thus far.

I may actually re-write this a poem and use the suggestions from Lou.

A Hell of a good song!...I'll do my best,

cheers,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-11-10 17:14

Hooded Stranger's picture

Chrys,

good to see you too.

Many thanks for taking time out to read this piece...it was supposed to be an intense poem/song so I am pleased you hooked up with that.

kind regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

magics02

Thu, 2010-11-11 18:27

I see you are up and about and I want you to know I just heard one of your songes Angels..in the hospital bed..full of pain..angels floating around. Your music has a reverb sound to it and I liked your guy in there:) Your other member looks Italian as well kind of like me when I had my hair short. It is a different type of music with a lot of dancing beats to it. And yes of course that eerie sound of darkness creeping in. I think you do it very well and I will like to hear you do this one too.

Now how about a song write from you and I? We can call it the dark porch.lol lol howling at the moon kind of thing. I hope all is well with you and the family and it seems you are back up on your feet again, just take it slow. And how about that electric cigarette have you tried that one yet? Talk to you soon friend and I can still hear your voice in this house....

Love to you
Mona

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2010-11-12 11:49

Hooded Stranger's picture

Mona,

I am up and about to some degree. Angels was our first release...very miserable but it captured a moment for me. I have a large tattoo on my back of the angel with her head as a skull, just like the song...the song will stay with me forever. My music partner is Kees, he is Dutch, and has a look of a mean an nasty guy...he's a pussy cat really, just don't tell him I said that!!

We can't possibly do a co-write called 'Dark Porch'...I can't write songs unless they are one word titles!!
I will think seriously about a dark co-write about the porch...that is a good idea indeed...I'll email/PM you with some ideas as they come.

I have tried the electric cigarrette...but they are a health disaster...I nearly laughed myself death trying to light it!!

It is a shame we don't have spoken poetry yet on the New Neo...but I guess it wasn't that popular...but I personally liked it.

Hope you are well my friend,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

magics02

Fri, 2010-11-12 22:42

My hood has spoken. They will probably get it back as other things it is missing all in good time. Porch sounds like a good one. I laughed about you lighting the electric cigarette You are too funny and yes I do like Kees..Nice on the eyes and you look great yourself without your Hood. Very serious face indeed. I like to see you smile now:)

Angel Hood hmmm there is a poem in there (lol)

talk soon stay well
Love Mona

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2010-12-03 13:47

Hooded Stranger's picture

Mona,

I will let Kees know you like his eyes...he may even send you a signed promotional photo!!

I don't smile...if it looks like I am, it is probably just a grimace!!

Angel Hood...that really would be a contradiction in terms!! Lol!

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2010-11-11 18:30

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Dear Dan,

The opening lines ease one into the main body of the poem like melted butter. I love it when your words take me from shades of gray to deepest black. But these are the strongest lines, and my favorite.:
I look at your face and into your eyes
The shadows give away your demise
I look into your eyes and at your face
Watching you slowly fall from grace I have not posted anything yet but should do so by Saturday. Thank you for all your help in getting me back to Neo.

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2010-11-12 11:15

Hooded Stranger's picture

Firstly, I must take this opportunity to welcome you back into the fold. You have been missed...big time.

Thanks for reading and commenting...and I am pleased it eased you from grey into deepest black. You clearly understand this piece.

I look forward to your posting.

Kindest regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Nordic cloud

Tue, 2010-12-21 11:06

Nordic cloud's picture

I SEE this face, I see the reflected lights of time in the eyes, I see the black, the darkness dwelling in the cracks where the senses feel their place and doing so are falling from grace, I am not sure what grace you are referring to, but i liked this extraordinary face you presented to me, and feel I too am staring into its eyes and trying to understand it.

Love to you from Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2010-12-21 12:12

Hooded Stranger's picture

Ann,

this piece was written from the perspective of me staring at my reflection. The piece became more than that, but that was my starting point.

I guess the 'falling from grace' was my face being a mask of a happy individual full of grace, but under that mask was the truth, a face falling from the false grace shown on the outside...I hope that makes sense.

Thanks again for reading and commenting my friend,

have a great 2011.

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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