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Submitted by Cloudthings on Wed, 2012-04-04 08:15

I wrap the page around me
And huddle in the wind
Will the ink seep into my dreams?
I take the words I folded
And press them to my skin
Everything is quiet but the fading image screams

I wrap the page around me
And stand out on the brink
The sentence loosens and flows red - a bleeding cape
I take the words I folded
Held up to the rain, I drink
He held his hand over the words and forced them - a thoughtless rape

I wrap the page around me
And it flutters like a flag
There is freedom written there in every line
I take the words I folded
And I let them go….
Some of them float back to me, to trace their own design

My tongue sits still
Behind my teeth
My lips are closed
Those words I keep

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Once again, a stolen moment to write, so no polish on this at all yet, I am dedicating a whole day next week to writing & editing what I have placed here since my return. What a wonderful luxury that will be! Ok, I've changed some critical lines here, but I think it's better, particalarly the cape & rape lines (ouchy stuff), but they feel much better now, I've reduced the "I" repetition & the "like" apearances. Thanks for crits especially Judy!
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Nordic cloud

Wed, 2012-04-04 10:31

Nordic cloud's picture

The old flag of your inner mind
wrapped like a monks in your embrace,
the sense of inked words leaking down your skin;
it is as if your thoughts dwell on something past
and yet you wish the present to contain them all,
the butterfly captured in the windows of life.

And I do like the long lines
stretching out into space so rhythmically.

Annushka.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Cloudthings

Wed, 2012-04-04 20:48

Cloudthings's picture

Hello good woman, I love these lines you put down here ...
" it is as if your thoughts dwell on something past
and yet you wish the present to contain them all,
the butterfly captured in the windows of life."

Yes, indeed it is, though of course I have learned that each of us interpret & take from any writing what works for us (or not, as the case may be). There's a lot more behind the words, as there always is with any writer, the challenge is to evoke it in the reader.

I love my poems reflected in your heart dear Annushka, you always have a gift in the twinkle of your creative eye.
As for the long lines, I had actually tried to tab them, to add a pause prior to each one for emaphasis, but this format seems resistant to any spacial tampering, I even tried just adding spaces with the space bar, but they wouldn't show in the final production... any ideas?

Anni xx

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

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Nordic cloud

Thu, 2012-04-05 05:59

Nordic cloud's picture

I found spaces one has to fill with lines of dots, dotty whatty? :)........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................It took the smile with it to you dear Anni.......................................
Annushka........................................................................................................................................................................................................

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Candlewitch

Wed, 2012-04-04 12:31

Candlewitch's picture
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This is a stirring write to be sure... both heart and mind! My favorite lines:

I wrap the page around me
And it flutters like a flag
There is freedom written there in every line
I take the words I folded
And I let them go….
Some of them float back to me, to trace their own design

My tongue sits still
Behind my teeth
My lips are closed
Those words I keep

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Cloudthings

Wed, 2012-04-04 23:15

Cloudthings's picture

Dearest Cat, I wrote a very appreciative response & it has disapeared into the ether?!!! Must have been distracted & moved on without posting. Apologies!

So I had commented that I felt very honoured that you would find this write stirring, heart & soul.
I feel it is quite clumsy & definitely needs refining... I agree that the last section is smoother & also more positive than those prior to it... some shadows of life's hurty bits being etched a little too plainly perhaps in here.... Still, I have always written to help me deal with those shadows, or indeed the very looming monsters life occassionally presents, I am sure I'm not alone there.

Best wishes to you Cat
A xx

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2012-04-05 11:13

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No. You are very much so, not alone. I know I have my shadows, too. I feel you express them very well with grear finesse.

appreciatively, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

judyanne

Wed, 2012-04-04 22:10

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this is simply beautiful and evokes such emotions that i can't quite put my finger on
it has such a depth that every time i read it i get a different meaning

'just love
Will the ink seep into my dreams?
... the fading image screams'

with
'I wrap the page around me
And I huddle in the wind' - do you need this second 'I'?
and
'I take the words I folded
And I press them to my skin' - ditto for this one too?
and also
'I wrap the page around me
And I stand out on the brink'

as for
'Like a cup held to the rain, I drink'
- i always try to avoid 'like' - prefer 'as'
- but of course that is just me :)

i realy like the effect that the longer lines have
and the last stanza is haunting
excellent finish

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Cloudthings

Wed, 2012-04-04 23:23

Cloudthings's picture

Hi Judy, not sure we have met before? Thanks for your encouragement & comments, it definitely needs refining & I am in accord as to the areas also, I too prefer to avoid repeated "I" & dislike the term "like" overly used in this context , these were elements that I reflected on & will do so more when editing, I actually removed the repeated I & then put it back, it gives a different mood & focus without, one I decided I wanted emphasised, but I will play with it & see.

& yes. all of these comment you make are very valid, I'm sure there are more also, I look forward to doing the rewrite... & I am off to read some of your work now, thanks for dropping by & taking the time & care to contribute.
Cheers
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

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Cloudthings

Wed, 2012-04-04 23:39

Cloudthings's picture

Thanks Beau, I do feel it needs a rewrite, but I want to spend some time reading other works while I have no kids around (another hour... that is a luxury for me these days... & your tag line is so pertinent to me, with a sting... I so rarley have any time alone these days, it's a creativity killer in one way, in other ways I have to be incredibly creative... we are all squeezed into a 2 person house. 5 of us & 2 dogs, & the new house has been put on hold for ANOTHER year, groan... the kids'll be off at uni by the time it gets built!... I digress again!)

So I will move on to read some more & make some time next week to edit & rewrite... loving reading your work as ever... it's such a pleasure to find you here again!

Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

Cloudthings

Wed, 2012-04-04 23:45

Cloudthings's picture

Ps, snuggle up girl, don't look now, I think that ink has definitely left a tatoo on your sould, it changes every day, but is always a work of art, a private soliloquy from you to the universe! & sometimes we get a peek.
A

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

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oreoaddict

Tue, 2012-04-10 20:43

oreoaddict's picture

Loved is the creator who is the illusionist…the craftsman of deceit.

Adored, also, is the master of the stage and silver screen; witty, tender and sensuous…a perfect mold of gestures and lines, expressions and tone. Yet, out of context, she too is but a well-rehearsed actress.

And as much as I care to believe that the man who pulls the rabbit from the top hat is truly a wizard and as much as I want to believe that the play write’s context was intended especially for me and there, expressed from the actress, her words, ‘I love you’ was a genuine preface to, ‘Happily Ever After’, I am, again, regretfully confronted by nature to accept that the forces of persuasion are equally met with pessimistic disregard.

And yet, how is it then, my dearest Anni that your generous emotions and infinite landscapes have always been and continue to be, to me, sure and true, a cathedral for my heart?
I adore you.
…clutching you in my warming shawl, breathing in your words, sedating my senses, and once again, satisfying my addiction.

Always,
Convicted Cloudthing Groupie

OREO

Cloudthings

Tue, 2012-04-10 22:13

Cloudthings's picture

Wow... I am lost for words to respond to that much praise. All I can really say is that I am very honoured to have moved you so greatly, & of course, remain bewildered as to how I might deserve such adoration. In the least, I can offer my own observation that I do admire the very assionate & poetic nature of the response here...

If we have met in a previous "life" here on Neo, it might make more sense, but I am at a loss as to whom I converse if so (with only a small guess)?

Humbly
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

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