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Still (revised)

Resilience -
a long stretched out, shabby, painful & shame laden journey
through small & large challenges, loss, grief -
to finally look back & know I have that wonderful tool
to soothe the biting, aching, haranguing slaps & devastation -

To finally rise, swan-like, still cool white, muted,
murky droplets glide off unstained feathers...
& to rise on wings, despite the burden of density,
labouring to force the air beneath & rise clean
... looking down,
perspective part of the solution.
I note, unperturbed,
mud on webbed foot
...& look beyond,
to join those sweet cloud adorned moments of my present.

In the midst of swirling, snatching, hurtful sharpness I find the moment,
diamond clear & fresh,
carried on the breath I draw, clean & refreshing,
slowly into lung, & more slowly out -
warm flow & then...

... still.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Not sure if I've split the lines in the latter part of the second stanza (if that's correct terminology) too much now... I did it due to great feedback & because doing so emphasizes the moment of reflection & meditation between feeling immersed & rising above it, almost spaced out restful sense of slowing time.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Why not write these nice words and images in the form of a poem, not a "prose poem". As a reader I have no place to breathe, no place to let my mind rest on an image because if i do I lose my place and the flow of narrative. Here I can enjoy the ride-

In the midst of swirling, snatching, hurtful sharpness
I find the moment, diamond clear & fresh,
carried on the breath I draw, clean & refreshing,
slowly into lung, & more slowly out -
warm flow & then... still.

Poetry to me has a shape that prose cannot approach. I believe It is meant to be read aloud, spoken,and reads entirely different as prose. There is a reason prose poetry is the least popular of the modern forms of poetry- it's hard to read, hard to get engaged in, and is to me a contrived form. I like it a little in Baudelaire, Borges and Pessoa, and I get its attempt at being "modern", but I enjoy the real thing so much more.

You obviously have the gifts of language and poesy. I am one with some strong opinions and not timid to discuss, especially with a sophisticated writer. So why the prose form?

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thanks for that lovely, wise & encouraging response - I totally agree. Truth is it was my first post since being invited back here via facebook... I initially wrote this as a FB comment, these don't allow for lovely clear form as you've described... Your response has only reminded me of what a gorgeously delicious & wonderful process Neopoet provides... not to mention reminding me to take more care as the folk that read here actually do care & deserve my best efforts.
Very grateful for your feeback, thank you.
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

In re-reading the work now it has a lot of power and surely works as a free verse poem.
I was thinking after I posted my comment that an interesting way to look at prose and poetry is by Paul Valery in the Art of Poetry. Prose has a destination. It goes from from point A to point B. Poetry dances in place.
That really says a lot. Poetry can i guess have destination too, like a story or narrative, but the presentation is such that the charged words, the images, the form of reading it, is a dance.

It's hard to walk and dance at the same time. Maybe that's why I'm not a big fan of the prose poem.
I am sure there are scores of writers, editors and academics who disagree with me totally, and what I am stating is blasphemy! Nonetheless, I can't get involved with a prose poem like I can with your new poem, and I have a feeling I'm not alone.

Looking forward to reading your work, and so nice that we are living on opposite ends of the world and can share so much.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Such a wonderful comment to read, & thank you. I loved what you wrote ..."Prose has a destination. It goes from from point A to point B. Poetry dances in place." I feel exactly that way, this place really is like family sometimes, I think, & it's such a relief to converse with people who get what you aspire to - or at least variations of that. In my last stint here several years ago I had a few wonderful people to move away from rhyming poetry... I began my process as a young teen writing songs, so rhyming was an easy practice as it works best in songs. I entered this in the competition currently afloat for Feb. though & it required prose I think.

Such a pleasure to read you, your comments are so poignant & pleasant, & frankly inspiring in their encouragement without being gushy. I so loved your analogiest, but actually, I quite enjoy walking & dancing at the same time (as a singer & musician & historically an activist of sorts, I have been in many a parade & march & festival where walking & dancing were just natural processes, so maybe there is a way (chuckle).

Thank you again for the feedback, the wisdom & the resource (I shall endeavor to find the book you mention).

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

I really like the extended metaphor. Good job.

Thanks - humbly. It's a beginning... again!

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

Is this Annie ?

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

It's Anni.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

I'm not sure who this is? I guess I expected you'd let me know, maybe you changed your name, it's been many years & it seems you recognize me?

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

If we weren't resilient
yet vulnerable,
there would be nothing to write ...

Ahh, I feel I've come home dear moonman!

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

I actually like the long lines and lack of breathing space. It comes to such a pause at the end and gives such power to that "still" that finishes the poem off so eloquently. Then again, I'm a sucker for wordy prose. Always have been. I love how this feels like a long-winded confession and then that point where one comes to a pause in the middle of talking - as if for a revelation or the dawning of a realization.

Honestly, the only lines I found awkward to read, personally:
"... looking down, perspective part of the solution. I note, unperturbed, mud on webbed foot"

I think it could be easier to read:
"... looking down, perspective part of the solution.
I note, unperturbed, mud on webbed foot"

Otherwise, this spills with eloquence. Love it.

Katie

Remember Love and Give Peace a Chance

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How I love this place, it's quite delicious to meet other writers & get to feel their responses, it's so generous of you to read & write on my first attempt after many years, & you have also been very kind & encouraging... I feel a bit humbled... But most of all I now really look forward to reading your work...

I had to chuckle at your wonderful description " I love how this feels like a long-winded confession and then that point where one comes to a pause in the middle of talking - as if for a revelation or the dawning of a realization." ... I thrive on communication & though it may seem a tad dramatic, I do feel exactly as you have described when I write such lines, to totally pinned it... I also liked your rearrangement of those lines & I think I might even split that last one again to:
"... looking down, perspective part of the solution.
I note, unperturbed,
mud on webbed foot"

It allows for a more pensive & reflective sense which is what it was describing... Yes, thank you Katie.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

You just commented on my poem "trust' and said more or less that we are on the same page - reading your poem "Still' I totally agree!!

I love this poem, its means something to me, I identify with what you are saying - it is achingly beautiful in its sadness and hope.

"labouring to force the air beneath & rise clean
... looking down,
perspective part of the solution."

this part particularly speaks to me, because seeing things differently after time has passed and you understand what is really important - is strength - pure and simple!

Absolutely beautiful poem

I'm afraid you snuck right into my heart as a kindred sister - I have a few here from Neopoet from years ago - Thank you, somehow I am not at all surprised, I think we really may have a similar way to process our heartbreaks & challenges, we feel we can't give up on possibility maybe - Right or wrong, there is honour & courage in it... but we (I suspect you are the same) tend to get left alone doing much of the outward caring & dangerously border on being martyrs, not for the pity etc. but for the sense that what we are doing is good & right (being selfless & generous, & not asking for anything in return... finding sensible ways to stay positive etc.), we could be good for each other as mirrors in a way... I look at your work & fret for you, wanting you to give yourself some care & have a bit of goodness for yourself... I hope you do, it's a thing I STILL find difficult, even when I want others to be caring of themselves with a passion.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment
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