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Glide on - truth & dragonflies (revised)

Somebody heard me today
- listened to the truth in what I say
This is when the healing arrives
Carried in gentle, non-judgemental eyes
A simple word of consideration
Let me gain a perspective of kind contemplation

So many times people cry unheard
inside & out - the crucified word
Threats if you don’t toe the bully's line…
Well I won’t! Not my toe… not mine!
I choose a dragonfly life
It might be short
& there are still those that prey
But with dragonfly wings I’m flying away.

I will visit the meadow, beach, lily & pond
Dwell in grace & gratitude among things I am fond
Rise for perspective on all of the rest
Harmonise with the good ones, & the beat in my chest

& mistakes? I forgive them
of me & of them
Yes we’re none of us perfect
& we’ve all of us gems

- Glide on

thanking the open hand of care
that reached out today when I thought none was there.
All I want to do is nurture & grow
This whole big community I once loved to know.

& here it is – I leave it with love… only love, to me that’s what matters
But I won't pretend, or bare my heart til it's tatters
To those I ask - leave me in peace – that’s all.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
Okay I revised, not sure it still says the same thing , but that's the cost of progress... I THINK it reads better, but very happy to hear opinions on making it a better write. I addressed the lines from the first 2 critiques (& a few others)... Thank you both for your care. Cheers Anni Oops, made a couple more changes moments later. By the way I'd love some thoughts on whether it should be "toe the line" (as in lining up for the start) or "tow the line" (as in pull on the line that you're told to? Either could work. .... Anyone?
Editing stage: 

Comments

dragonfly affirming a mission
It is quite eloquent.
I'm not sure if the explanation at the bottom of the poetry or in the last few words adds or takes away from it but I'm thinking not rally necessary for the experience of the poetry Hmm.

Give ample gratitude to the things I am fond
Grace for all things about which I am fond (??)
Helpful at all, Cloudthings?

Your poetry is enjoyed this early morning.
Peace,

~Mark~

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& I addressed that line you mention... I wonder how it sits with you now?

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

High Five for that..

~Mark~

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how funny... My original write on the line you pick out was "Give graceful gratitude for the things I'm fond" - so you are definitely in the same realm... I felt it was clumsy that way, so I changed... perhaps the wrong word... Clearly it still needs a tweak, & I will take your contribution (gratefully, & as gracefully as possible) & give it a few days of soaking in my cerebral pond. Appreciate your comments... Do you think I should remove the comment? I thought it clarifying, but perhaps not?

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

I believe that the poetry stands on it's own.
Keep em coming :~)
Later,

~Mark~

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Thanks , almost dropped out for good recently, so I appreciate the encouragement ... I had forgotten what a good writer you were (if it's the same Mark from years back). So I feel quite honoured.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

Yes, it is I :~)

~Mark~

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I had to read the first four lines, and then I picked up your rhythm. It sparkled and delighted all the way. Enjoyed it a lot.
There is one thing that came to mind when I read this couplet,

Rise for perspective on all of the rest
Always aspiring to being my best.

being my best is so over used, it came over weakly compared to the original sparkle of the rest.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

It felt really cheezy or cheap... or just a bit cringy writing that... Sadly it was the total truth, so I left it. But you have confirmed it is a come down bomb, & I will address it. thanks for that lovely feedback, feeling a bit tentative here today so greatly appreciated.

I'm just wondering if I could get away with a variation on that line like -
"rise to perspective on all the rest - unwilling to compromise on my best".

Nahhh... Maybe
"rise to perspective on all the rest - integrity pumping the beat in my chest".

....higher than that which bestows my test?.... Hmmm, might revamp it tomorrow .

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

Thanks again for your attention & spot on comment.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

Wisdom stands from hearing just like when the truth is been told.
Natural people teaches and learns on a bases of day.

Just popped in to revise this... thanks for leaving a comment ... Thinking on your words, it occurs to me that sometimes there is more wisdom in just listening... But I do like a balance... Cheers

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

author comment

you are very good at that.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

It is good to see that somebody else does multiple edits on their poetry lol. You know I've been saying for some time that I believe the future of poetry lies with neither traditional rhyme no free verse but rather with a hybridization of the two. I think this illustrates such a write. Stanza 2 line 2. Sounds a bit forced to me.You could try something like inside and out with eyes tear blurred. Oh well I've run my mouth enough lol.......stan

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