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THE CLOCK
tick-tock tick-tock running out of time,
tick-tock tick-tock life is slowly drifting by,
tick-tock tick-tock pounding in my head,
tick-tock no time left,
stuck on repeat,
tick-tock a steady beat,
tick-tock here we go again,
tick-tock tick-tock it never ends,
time is a bell ringing in my ear,
it's a repeated tick-tock i can always hear,
it's a constant reminder of the time,
we have to live before we die,
it is incomprehensible the head ace it brings,
it's a vigorous alarm clock that eternally rings,
we all must know we're running out of time,
tick-tock tick-tock time to say goodbye...
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Sat, 2018-03-10 16:37
Hi PW
Although the message of "make most of the time before you run out of it" is pretty clear...i was not able to comprehend the meaning of "t is incomprehensible the head ace it brings"...i also think that you have ended the poem rather abruptly...hear what others would comment...
.....................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
hopeless_writer
Sat, 2018-03-10 16:46
hi raj
thank you for commenting.the poem ended abruptly to symbolise how we never now how much time we have left and how life could end so suddenly. the line about the headace relates the the constant tick tock sound and how it can drive u to the point of insanity.
author commentraj
Sat, 2018-03-10 16:55
well...you do have a point to
well...you do have a point to defend why you have chosen to end the poem abruptly ...then again it would depend on how one looks at end of life.....one of the ideologies is "only change is permanent"...bu i do agree that the uncertainty of span of life is what almost everyone tinks about at some point of time...
......................
raj (sublime_ocean)
hopeless_writer
Sat, 2018-03-10 17:05
i do agree
i do agree it all depends on our outlook on life on the preseptive you see it from.the poem is meant to represent that our life span is like the count down of an alarm clock eventually the bell will ring and your rest will end and in the back of our minds leading up to that moment we can feel the slight pressure of the countdown
author commenttrekker
Sat, 2018-03-10 20:59
The Clock
Job well done as the abrupt end screams at you emphasizing your point. I like it.
trekker
hopeless_writer
Thu, 2018-03-29 12:35
thank you
thank you
author commentGeezer
Sun, 2018-03-11 09:47
Headache...
I'm not sure that vigorous is the word I would use. ~ Geezer.
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Rula
Sun, 2018-03-11 16:44
Hello
and welcome to Neopoet.
An interesting take of the theme indeed.
However, if this were mine I would eliminate some of 'the many' tick tocks. Ok. I know what you intended and yet (imo) you don't need them all, but of course this is only my humble opinion.
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weirdelf
Mon, 2018-04-16 12:18
It doesn't seem to bother others
but the repetitive tick-tock was too much for me. Click-clack, taptap, tappety tap. Maybe just remove some, that would give you room to say more.
I may well be wrong.
Now this is right out of left field but digital time is silent. The number just gets bigger, dragging you to your death. Just a thought.
The poem works but I think it could be better.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
hopeless_writer
Fri, 2018-04-20 15:20
thanks
but the repeat tick tock limits what u can say to represent how time limits us as human
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2018-04-21 05:07
good answer
(but still don't like it [grins])
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry