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presence

your words are like a rough rope slowly wrapping around my neck,
your touch is like poison haunting my head,
your absence is a relief like balloon releasing air,
your presence is an ocean drowning me beyond repair,

your around every corner,
not a day goes by without your remark,
but i've grown stronger,

a fire has started inside me, a little spark,
an idea rung in my head,
locking you out,
and running away...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like the general thrust of this, you have done a good job of showing the path of growth in an abusive relationship and leave us with a sense of hope.

My issue is the varying structure leading me away from a smooth scan.

Capitalization is a personal choice, so we will leave that. Punctuation, however, should be used consistently or not at all.

Taking your work, let me show you what I mean:

*****

your words are like a rough rope slowly wrapping around my neck.
your touch is like poison haunting my head.
your absence is a relief,
like [a] balloon releasing air.
your presence is an ocean drowning me beyond repair.

[you're] around every corner.
not a day goes by without your [remarks].
but i've grown stronger.

a fire has started inside me,
a little spark.
an idea rung in my head,
locking you out
and running away.

*****

The commas at the end of the lines tells me to pause, rather than stop. That reduces the impact of the statements and robs them of power. The concatenation of statements don't give me the pause to bring home the second part of a statement.

And the ellipsis at the end does not bring me to a conclusion, only an unreflective pause.

This is a piece worth revisiting and updating to its full effect.

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Jonathan Moore

acc i didnt have the idea of an abusive relationship in mind while writng this poem simplly just a toxic situstion eg toxic friendships bullying etc thanks for the feedback and i will take your advice into consideration

author comment

the poem does certainly create that border line situation of "letting go"

beyond what Jonathan has said before, I would like to share more offerings

avoiding frequent repetition of the word "your" will add cadence and flow to the emotive poem posted by you...may be "presence in absentia" could also be suitableand add an element of curiosity for potential readers
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raj (sublime_ocean)

thanks for the feedback i do acc have a reason for the repitition of your to emphasie to point and shoow how the situation repeats itself xx

author comment

noted the reason behind repetition of the word "Your"
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raj (sublime_ocean)

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