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Clarity

untested waters
ripple,
strands of light
flash in the beauty
of my mind

---

the past dwelt
in the corner
debilitating
disabling
untethering,
I was thrown
back in time

(bad happens
to the good
and the good
happens to the bad)

visiting sins
replayed in my head
reminding me
shaming me,
the circle went
around

but I remembered
the dashes of hope
the splashes of love
all that I had shared
all that I had lost

but going
round and round
the strings of sanity
were unbound,
the white rabbit
called for me
reality was paper dolls
burning in the pit

I held fast
as the standard ripped
falling into delusion
I lay in the mire
for a millennium

clarity returned
with a song
the dance of life
flooded my veins
my being
declared whole

---

the clear
untested waters
of my mind ripple
in wonderment,
today has returned
with no fear of joy

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

The flow of the poem is good. The images are strong, although somewhat disjointed. I feel a slight disconnect in this one. But most importantly, I wasn't sold on the "clarity". I know what you are saying, but the words did not make me feel it.

Thanks for the post,

Scott

Scott

Thanks for the review I wasn't totally happy with this one but decided to post it anyway, there is meant to be a disjointed feeling in this one it goes along with the thoughts and feelings at the time, I guess I will have to strengthen the ending my intent was to say that after a time of confusion there comes a time when clarity returns

hopefully with a few tweaks and an edit I can get the feeling across, it also hits me that there is a lack of feeling to this time a feeling of numbness, so in a way I have partly done the job I just have to finish it off

thanks for your thoughts and the read I appreciate it

regards JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

I like this in its structure, I do get it, the self pity then the realization of that.
I think that these lines maybe sound better like this:
"visiting sins
replayed in my head"
I don't think sins visit, only if we re-live them...

-re-visiting sins
That played in my head-

It is fine the way you wrote it, as the affect can only be seen by the writer, this is just the way I found it easier as I read it.
I did enjoy it.

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Its so good to see you its been too long, that line you mention the visiting sins I considered the revisiting sins line as well, I agree with you, I will change it when I do an edit, I am glad you got where the piece was coming from thanks for the read and the suggestion, as I said so very good to see you

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

This is certainly vertical lol. I don't use a lot of punctuation either but in a poem with such short lines it might be a good idea to consider punctuating . At least for me the poem stumbled a biy at each sentence ending becauseI expected it to continue. Also there's "dashes of hope"...........I don't know why but it seems like flashes might be better,
But in any case this is a good poem and I enjoyed reading it..................stan PS you can now breathe from wondering if I enjoyed it pmsl

This was a really rough edit I hadn't used much punctuation but I do plan to insert some more, I also might change the look of the poem allowing some lines to read longer this is just the way it came out, I am happy you enjoyed the poem, and I will consider the flashes of hope you have me thinking now.

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Everybody run for cover! Jayne is thinking lol...........stan

it can be dangerous giggle ;)

JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Just had a message from my Grandson in South Africa so it has thrown everything out of the window loved this piece , will talk tomorrow.
Take care, Yours as always Ian x

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I hope all is well with the grandson very glad you liked this piece talk to you soon

love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

unmatched words
extraordinary
worthy of being quoted
by all and any

loved

Thank you for your very kind comment, I am glad you think its worthy

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Love this poem for a lot of reasons...mostly because these are emotions I deal with on a regular basis and know them so well. I love the stanza you placed in parenthesis. There is so much truth and honesty to this piece. The disjointed feeling, in my opinion, represents the feelings of the emotions you displayed here. Great write, great imagery....really enjoyed...

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

Thanks so much for your thoughts on this one, there is a lot of myself in this one sometimes its hard to put yourself into words but I gave some advice once and it was this, write honestly about yourself and the truth around you will be set free in words, I really believe that its true

I am very happy you enjoyed it :)

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

The Grandson I haven't seen or spoken to for 14 years he would have been about 6 the last time we spoke, and I think he was told to put the phone down on me.
But that is another story, though the boy wasn't old enough to know better, since then his Father took him back to Africa, so I have drawn a line under the past and will just be a Grandad as I am the only one he has now.
You see we all have our problem's but to me that is another lifetime ago and at the end of 36 years of being Married.
To all, that read the comments, life is not perfect for anyone, though I have blessings in other fields,
Take care out there, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I didn't speak to my sister for nearly seven years thanks to the intervention of another member of our family, but about eighteen months ago I got a call from her daughter asking would I got out to lunch with her, we went out to lunch and we are speaking again, we aren't close like we used to be but at least we are in contact and with time that may improve, we all have our crosses to bear not one of us is perfect my granddad used to say you "clean your own backyard before you mess with anyone else's". I try not to judge people because you never truly know someone or the life they have lived

I am very happy you have heard from your grandson I know you must be over the moon big smile

love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment
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