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Carefree Soul

Submitted by valene on Fri, 2016-09-16 22:43

Carefree

Embrace forgiveness
To emancipate the soul
Serenity rocks!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

OriginalRhyku

Fri, 2016-09-16 23:29

Wise words to live by but how many persons truly practice it in "an eye for an eye" environment? Nevertheless the message and your choice of title and content rocks. Having successfully composed a good Haiku, your next challenge is to write a Rhyku.

valene

Mon, 2016-09-19 17:26

When I read your review I chuckled because before posting it I'd thought about writing in the comment section, something to the effect of, 'now if I could only take my own advice!' When I wrote it I was thinking of my feelings directed towards this one person in mind, who I have such negative feelings for. I'd never experienced this before. It goes beyond dislike or even hate, it's more like detest which is truly a dark emotion that I know I have to let go of at some point. I'm hoping for indifference because once I can get there, I'll feel nothing at all. To me hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is....having no feelings one way or the other. Anyhow, thanks so much for your positive feedback. I rarely write poems that have such a definite structure to them but every now and then like to take on the challenge. AND speaking of challenge, I shall be working on coming up with a Rhyku! My mind has been playing with the idea already!

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valene

Mon, 2016-09-19 17:38

I didn't realize I'd written my reply to you under the wrong review till it was too late! BUT, I got it straight now! Thanks again and you'll see I did meet your challenge with a Rhyku!
Best wishes,
val

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weirdelf

Mon, 2016-10-03 01:24

weirdelf's picture
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the same structure as Haiku but about people and their idiosyncrasies rather than nature and philosophy.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

China Blue

Sat, 2016-09-17 18:48

China Blue's picture
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nice example of a Haiku

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

valene

Mon, 2016-09-19 17:21

I appreciate your taking the time to read my Haiku and commenting on it.
Best wishes,
val

author comment

valene

Mon, 2016-09-19 17:35

I realized after it was too late I had replied to OriginalRhyku under your review. Sorry about that! Again Thanks for your time!
val

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Vivovon

Sun, 2016-09-18 12:41

I have been in search of serenity. Where can I find it in reality? You just give me a direction. Yes, I forgive you. Thanks.

xxxxx

valene

Mon, 2016-09-19 17:40

To be honest I'm still searching for serenity as well! But, writing this was at least a bit cathartic cos I'm hoping I'm heading in the right direction. Thanks for you input!
Best wishes,
val

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Esker

Sun, 2016-09-18 13:02

Esker's picture

forgive...great wisdom
like sour medicine
grin and bare it...

I like it because now I
say too myself...
I forgive U for being what U
are and causing me too
bother hating U

I forgive myself for that
and immediately chuckle
and get on with what I
enjoy doing!
Living well!

Thank U!

(my horoscope said
I would find good advice
this week!)

valene

Tue, 2016-09-20 22:37

After I wrote this I had to chuckle because:
I new it to be good advice
But I've not learned how to use the device
Of letting go of the hate
Still wanting to retaliate
But I'll hold on to hope
That I shan't be a dope
Instead I'll learn to go numb
Cos retaliation would be dumb!
(fortunately this negative feeling is only towards one person and I know at some point I shall get past it!)
Thanks so much for your positive input! Nice to know I did an ok 'job'! And yes get on with living well. I should follow your lead!

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valene

Wed, 2016-09-21 19:18

Thanks gemma for your positive input! And by the way you may not know what Pops meant BUT me thinks I do! And tell him it made me smile!

x

val

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valene

Mon, 2016-10-10 21:53

xx

val

author comment

Esker

Wed, 2016-09-21 15:00

Esker's picture

I so badly just want water to flow off my back
I know a lot of people who do this..They feel sorry
for me...See that I am bright and when Im in good
spirit and form I do..do a lot to help..

but I have that side that will not let things god
I hang on too much...to much...
I shouldnt
easier said then done

being a sourpuss is not sporting

but Im really working on it
some dont...
some just stay in the denial
of much and never grow

best thing about growing
is it allows room for others..
Including myself...

I like your poetry very much
I like the human touch
of betterment!

thank U!

lovedly

Wed, 2016-09-21 17:25

lovedly's picture

but take this as

''no advice''

but gulp it still (bitter medicine may be)

a poet has to be
of an impartial mind only
then glamourous one can be

valene

Tue, 2016-09-27 19:37

Thanks for taking the time to share you thoughts with me. I'm not sure what you mean by being 'of an impartial mind only..." I'm uncertain how being impartial would make me a better poet, but I shall give it some thought!

val

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weirdelf

Mon, 2016-10-03 01:26

weirdelf's picture
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check out Senryu, it is closer to your form.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

valene

Mon, 2016-10-03 17:23

When I 1st learned about Haiku poems and Senryu ones, I was under the impression that a Haiku is more serious in tone and deals with an aspect of nature. A Senryu was more about human nature and had a twist ending...many times it being humorous. But with the reading I've been doing, I'm finding it can be confusing at times, because in modern times each form can sometimes be classified as both. At any rate, I get what you're saying and thanks for the input!

valene

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weirdelf

Tue, 2016-10-04 03:19

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sorry

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

valene

Tue, 2016-10-04 12:37

I do still believe that you're correct on your thoughts of a haiku vs a senyru!

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