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The Arrogant ~1-The ungrateful~

14
What has Cain brought forth to our Earth
but mist and mud and lots of lust.
No more than a grain of salt's worth,
nothing, but sorrows and mistrust.

15
There, Ken thought it's lots of delight-
and shamelessly plotted for it.
In a ludic party one night,
he'd decided a time to set.

16
"Too much merriment I shall get
tomorrow before the sunset,
"No devil but I , shall abet
ending Someone's tortured spirit."

17
"Adam's, that old funny pestered
has become an aged, sapless soul,
yet has golden bones once gathered
years before I would really call."

18
"Now, he needs not live any more,
needs not to live in a palace.
No cash he shall need there to store,
or save him-self any balance."

19
Ken thought:" I'll get those damn f…bucks,
and end that gallinaceous fowl.
that old aged father, ah! He sucks,
for all he'd manage is a crawl.

20
And so 'twas, though weird it might sound
when He mimicked the demon's act.
Poor Adam's corpse was just there found
to prove Cain as a living fact.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

but I really don’t know where you are with this story

I love the first stanza – then I get lost as to what you are saying

also, (and it is probably just me again as you may have meant to write it this way) but the meter seems a bit rough

for example
'In a ludic party one night,
he'd decided a time to set.'
seems too short for the rest of the stanza

I think you have a great grasp of meter, so perhaps you might look again at what you have and see if you want to smooth it out a little

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

is a son killing his father to get his money.I think it is just a reflection on one of Cain's crimes on Earth. I chose the name Ken as a close name to Cain.

I am not sure if this makes any sense.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

i see now - a clever play on names
well done - sorry i was a bit thick

now i still think you need to work on the meter a little :)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

now I have a good grasp of meter ONLY when I write sonnets maybe (iamb)which Wesley taught me and we worked on extensive ex. and practiced a lot. NOW the moment of honesty comes, I have never gone through any other meter forms. I only know names but let's say I know that we count the feet in each line should each feet have the same syllable count, stressed / unstressed ones?

Should I follow the same count in that very stanza ?how much can I cheat?

Many questions Right?
Well I think I'd better stop and wait to learn all in your coming Work shop..Can't wait really ,When are you going to start?:)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I read this poem and was totally lost, then I read your
response to Judy and I'm still lost. Didn't Cain kill his
brother Able, and not over money, wasn't it supposed
to be jealousy? How would that coincide with the rest
of your poem?

Sorry if this is not clear.Yes, of course you are right but this is (a new perspective)and a continuation of the original to show how Cain is still living between us and corrupting.

Here is the link to the first part. Still needs a lot of working but would very much appreciate if you tell me if it tells you something.

http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/arrogant-0

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I am sorry for not keeping up with the workshop,
I do now see the continuance you were striving for
after reading the first part. I had actually wondered
why the double title, and now I know. About the title,
The Ingratitude Son, the word ingratitude is a verb,
and the way it is used doesn't make sense, perhaps
ungracious would work better, describes the son's
lack of gratitude. I also think you could work on the
basics here and there, for instance,

There, Ken thought it's lots of delight-
and shamelessly plotted for it.
In a ludic party one night,
he'd decided a time to set.

The transition from speaking of Cain
to now isn't clear, perhaps the word
Today, Ken (thought it's lots of delight?)
(thought in hidden delight) maybe,

There are places where the poem needs
the music of language, try to say it as
rhythmic and logically sound as you can,
which is what poetry is.

thank you for the time Rula, sorry to disturb
the workshop Wes.

Richard

everyone is encouraged and welcome to comment on workshop poems, even if not in the workshop themselves

everyone's opinions and suggestions are really appreciated
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

as a first experience with lengthy poetry and even more difficult storytelling I see I need to work a bit more harder to clarify some blurred thoughts here and there either by smoothing the meter or by adding some more stanzas.

As for the title , I admit i thought of Ingratitude as an adj. while it is a noun . I wonder if I can therefore better to say "The ungrateful" or "The ungracious" , I shall for sure think it over.

Very much appreciate your reading and the comment. Thanks for bringing this issue to my attention.
Your inputs are always appreciated even if you don't a participante in the workshop

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

your 'ungratitude', being not really an adjective, i think would best translate as 'ungrateful' :)

just my thought
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

This workshop is a long task and please stick with it take your write and hold it close, make it sing and tell us the story as you need to.
I would like you to add Number 13 stanza or is this a bad luck number and is done on pupose..
I have copied all of your poem so far and will look at it with severe eyes then be good and suggest a few things, but this will take time and as this workshop is endless, Cata Strophe the master Mason is some place carving a stone about the epic journey we have started and when it will end.. We will see (;-)-
Take care we are there with you, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Not bad for me.
You mentioned "cheating" Rula and we've spoken before on the subject. In poetry more than most places, rules are meant to be broken, but if we have little control over the rules to begin with then deviation will tend to be chaotic.
I agree with Judy and the others that the meter here needs work. If a line flows elegantly and yet is not strictly within the parameters set for the poem, then by all means leave it. The final product is the point. If however, many lines veer off into their own little structure, the poem will read haltingly. This is some of what happens here.

The story is not as clear as in the first part of this poem. I was able to understand what was intended, but it required a number of readings (by the way I caught the "Ken" joke, but I do stuff like that all the time, so it wasn't entirely fair).

I'm trying to get caught up here and it will take some time, so I don't know where this work stands, but I won't change my initial perspective that it is a worthy piece to continue.
Tell me what your intentions are and maybe we can discuss where to go from here (if anywhere).
As for the language use, even though there is a bit of confusion in the tale, the "word smithy" is superior to much of your other pieces. You are maturing as a writer and it's fun to watch.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thanks for time and the comment.
I almost forgot about this piece. I was thinking of a series of stories to show the human crimes -extended from Abel and Cain days . Killing for money should have been the theme here. I am not sure where I should start to clean this , is it only the meter. Will smoothing the meter clarify the story or should I add some spices to the plot . I think I am not that good at creating a story. So I think I need a guiide-line may be or ideas, suggestions!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment
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