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The Tippler and the Taipan

I’m gonna tell you all a story
Each word of which is true
It don’t cover me in glory
There’s much that I still rue

It was on the banks of the Barron River
Not quite true to say I woke
More un-passed out is the way to put it
But then I was that sort of bloke

I crawled from the van where I’d lain
And panic set in in a flash
Bamboo towered over so high and so thick
It threatened to topple the world
I was sure to be thrown off into space
After being violently sick

Neither threat happened there and then
But I needed a piss most urgently
So I wandered off down the bank
And found a ghost gum for my sanctuary
Vague inner disquiet unheeded

Now any fool knows the ghost gum is home
To the Rainbow Serpent, a god
And perceiving his boudoir so rudely drenched
He called forth Taipan for vengeance
Who uncoiled, lunged and gave chase
His fury would not easily be quenched

I didn’t stop to shake, put away or zip
But bolted like Freeman on speed
It was further than I thought,
redgums stuck out their roots to trip me,
but I leaped in urgent need
goannas lurked in ambush,
scrubs abraded my arms and face
and all the while that ominous sussurating slithering
told me I was losing a deadly race.

Finally the red van loomed into view
and I recklessly dived in,
landing with a knee in Monty's gut
and an elbow in Colin's chin.

Gasping, heaving and gibbering
I related my dreadful tale of woe
They were not impressed
And made sure to let me know

So there was nothing for it,
We headed to the pub for a drink
It was happy hour when we got there
And that is the end, I think.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Talk about rough as guts. Story telling in verse is harder than I thought. This clearly needs a lot of work. Thanks to scribbler, it's already improved, but am going to brush up on some of those classic forms I so reluctantly studied back in the stone age,
Editing stage: 

Comments

Narrative poetry can be difficult. You should try it in metered western classic lol. OK, a few ideas:
L-1 Ya'll has its place but you all flows better
L-5 try : upon the banks of.....
L-6 line's a bit short, maybe : It's not fair to say that I awoke
L-9 try I exited the van where I had lain
L-11 delete 2nd so
L- 14 delete quite
L-15 change urgently to shorter word , maybe sorely
L-18 consider chose instead of found
L-22 try : Feeling his boudoir so rudely drenched( to shorten line)
L-26 try : I didn't stop to shake............
L-33 Try : Ever louder ominous..........
L- 36 Try : I carelessly dived in ( to lengthen)
An enjoyable read...................scribbler

going to try all these suggestions offline and come back to it.

I think you're probably right though, it should be re-written in ballad form or something.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

or variations on them, and am happier.

This is not so much a work in process as a process in process. Trying out some new (to me) things.

Thanks again scribbler

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

I deal it out so I'd be a hypocrite not to take it.

Thanks for the suggestions but
L1 "all" is necessary for intent and scansion
L2 I changed, not the way you suggested but something I like better
L3 no, sorry, changes meaning and scans no better

as to your signature, right off the mark.
it's all about the poetry, critique is how we make it better. If people don't want to workshop, why come to a poetry workshop site?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

Jess, I thank you for this exercise in both the stretch beyond one's comfort zone and the
necessity to have all types of poetry present. Good critique comes from different voices,
beyond one's own.... the variations are infinite.

To say that I love your Waterama is no stretch of my imagination. That's sheer poetry, story telling set to imagery.

~A

I had almost forgotten that the conclusion of my MA thesis was that poetry was probably invented by Shamans, who naturally spoke rhythmically of their spiritual experiences because the trances were drum (and sometimes drug) induced.

Maybe I need to bring the ratbag side of my shamanism to this piece.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

I wanted to write a bush ballad, which the opening and closing verses sort of fit. But the excursion into poetry in the middle now seems apt.

Waddayareckon?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

And made sure to tell me so. (?)

I like it because it's unusual and paints a vivid picture--you had me running & diving with you.

Humour is always a good thing, done with aplomb (now there's a word!) and originality.

~A

I really enjoyed your "true" story. I have no doubt that it is true, seeing as how Australia has the most, deadliest snakes, in all the world! Now then, it is a bit ragged. Especially by the lights of an inverterate rhymer such as I. It is a difficult form to write in for any length of time. I think your idea of going back to your shamanic-roots, and reluctant study of classic form, is a good one. I have bookmarked this one, so I can see what you do with it. Good luck, ~ Gee

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It is exactly what I am tying to do.

I have b een accused so offent of being arrogant in my poetry and I want to go back to the rooots and learn again with humility.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

The flow is good, I liked how your bloke un-passed out.
I don't know what ghost gum is and some of the other words and cultural refs are unfamiliar :( to me.
I am used to the fact when I read your comments I learn new words. On your planet language is different and birds breast feed so I need dictionaries.

IRiz

In indigenous Australian beliefs the ghost gum, a beautiful tree with very white bark is the home of the Rainbow Serpent, a creator deity.
The taipan is one of the deadliest snakes in the world, easily recognisable by its coffin shaped head.
Cathy Freeman is an indigenous Australia sprinter, won gold at the 2000 Olympics.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

Thank you.

IRiz

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