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Shoreline

There is a breathlessness upon this shore
at dawn, gold sand whispering with rush of water
before the breeze becomes a wind,
and people start to stain the land.

In all the moments of my life,
each second fractured into infinite new parts,
the only other place I feel so timeless,
so encompassing, is in your arms.

Where blue water reaches up from depth
to touch my skin, I feel your thigh
pressed close on mine, as warm as risen sun
splintered into shards by gentle waves.

I think this is the place I'd like to rest,
since I cannot have my final peace
within your arms, so hold me now,
then after, spread my ashes here,

on edge of blue and gold,
where this quiet and my life with you
feel so eternal.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Good to see ya. I like this poem, takes me inside,
and it's filled with love there.

thanks

Thanks Richard
Good to be back my friend.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I feel like I've been kicked in the guts,.reading your poem, Jim. May the miracle of life and love continue.

Kick ass. ;-)

~A

Not QUITE the effect I had in mind, but I'll take it.
Thanks Anna.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

another love poem, without that bloody word!
lol
Glad you enjoyed it so.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Very serene. I felt the love there. .
I think the honesty of your emotion shows in this poem.
Enjoyed the read.

Psyve

When I write for my woman is when my feelings show, you're right.
Glad you like it so much!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

i would describe this as a classical expression of intimate moments of a passionate heart...with exquisite choice of words to emote ...thanks for sharing...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Priase indeed. I am glad this had such an effect.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

but take a moment to re-read it and see if some of the line breaks could be removed, the meter would work beautifully.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Well I tried it.
It's more difficult than I imagined, not because I didn't know how to do it, but because my natural inclination is to want to write short, terse lines.
But I like this version, it seems calmer, and that in turn serves to intensify what I feel for the place, at least, for me.

Thanks mate, your crit and ideas are valuable to me.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I'll have to think about this, Jess, so watch this space!

Thanks mate.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Vivid imagery an emotion. Bet your beloved really liked it. Only alternative I come up with are :
s-1,l-3 try gold instead of golden
s-2,l-6 maybe encompassed as in being held within her arms
Just alternatives, not necessarily better........stan

Gold is better, improves cadence, thanks man.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Thanks for the ideas.
Glad you enjoyed this.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

*sigh... Lovely in its entirety!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Thanks Cat!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

It is almost 2am and not being able to sleep stumbling here and there to stop and read and fell my eyes upon this poem of yours. First let me say it touched me and no not in the physical sense but in the mind and heart of sense. The ending superb and surreal as I am also happy to see you are in here kicking it up a knotch and writing about what means the most to you and I can tell by this write it is your gratitude to your loving wife. And to your life.

Blessings friend and hope you are on the mend soon.

Can not give this the crit only sharing my own feelings of how it read and grabbed me by the coat tails. Oops I do not wear coat tails, forgot:) Smile friend

Hugs
Mona

I'm glad my effort had such an effect upon you!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I wasn't really sure I wanted to post this one, to be honest, but what the heck, it's Neopoet! Always need some d\feedback!
Glad you enjoyed it so.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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