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Shopping for meter

Never let it be said that I dish out what I can't cop.

Iambic pentameter
I leave my door and peer around and up
the coast seems clear and so I venture forth
my shopping bag is empty now until
I fill it with some beer and treats and grins.

I leave/ my door/ and peer/ around/ and up
the coast/ seems clear/ and so/ I vent/ure forth
my shopp/ing bag/ is emp/ty now/ until
I fill/ it with/ some beer/ and treats/ and grins.

Trochaic pentameter
Leave the door and peer around most wary
venture forth, the coast seems clear and open
empty shopping bag will soon be laden
beer and treats and grins should do it nicely.

Leave the/ door and/ peer a/round most/ wary
venture/ forth, the/ coast seems/ clear and/ open.
Empty/ shopping/ bag will/ soon be/ laden
beer and/ treats and/ grins should/ do it/ nicely.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Empty shopping bag now awaits filling?

Empty/ shopping/ bag/ now a/waits/ filling

blows the meter all to hell.

What I've got is a tad cumbersome, but I believe  it is grammatically correct. It's a present participle followed by a gerund.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

it screws up the meter and it makes sense as it is now.

Give me a suggestion to improve it that preserves the meter. That is the point of the exercise.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

My ship, the S.S. Flounder, is lost and barely underway. Her demise will allow the faster vessels to keep up with the convoy requirements. The ocean of Trochae has claimed another victim , My duty now is to go down with the ship, so badly holed below the waterline by a brace of pentameter torpedos fired from an un-rhyming U Boat..
Goodbye cruel world etc. etc.

Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

pretty soon we'll be be bringing a comforting sense of chaos and liberty back to this minefield of geometry and maths

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

Meter is based on the natural stresses of English.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

You've made it look easy, and what you have is
grammatically correct, and your conversion to trochaic
didn't change meaning at all, but it is a bit awkward.
Would I be wrong in assuming that Iambic is the most
popular choice for that reason?

because of Chaucer and Shakespeare and other giants? Or because of the nature of English? I'm not sure. It is impossible in Italian and Japanese, where virtually every word ends in an unstressed syllable and they use different means for vocal expression (vowel length and tonal).

Trochaic seems hard at first but read Longfellow's "Hiawatha" and you'll think in trochees for days! [can send you barmy]

The trick with trochees is to compose with them in mind from the outset. I didn't expect this exercise to be so difficult for everyone, including myself, sorry people.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

What do you think of the revision?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment
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