Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Killer Deal...

Smiling lips pasted on his face
he knocks upon the door
While he waits, he begins to pace
in the stinking corridor

Finally the portal cracks
a suspicious man appears
behind him, girls on their backs
their faces full of fear

The room is dim and foul of air
Some money changes hands
The large man asks; How much the pair?
The other grins and understands

Big man; You've got an appetite
For a thousand, have the two
They're young and tender, be just right
I'm sure they'll satisfy you

"Girls, get dressed, you're leaving now",
Pimp yells; Hey! You can't do that!"
Killer gives the girls a little bow
and then slaps the pimp's nose flat

Ladies, you don't need to see
what's gonna happen next
So catch yourselves some breeze
while I break his fucking neck

The door has only closed, upon two grateful smiles
there is a deathly silence, for a moment's space
You are Hell's nasty spawn, you're evil and you're vile
A blight upon this earth, to all mankind, a disgrace

The storm upon Killer's face was terrible to behold
A different piece of slime was puddled on the floor
Gone the evil sneer replaced by fear so cold
This is it for you, you ain't doing this no more!

The scent of piss and fear were mingled in the air
Muffled screams and moans did abound
There was blood on the floor; Shit, it's everywhere!
As the bones of this sinner were ground

Watching T.V. as his clothes are washed clean
Killer laughs at the comedy-show
He Knows now, that this evil's been seen
It's back to Hell you go!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Two twelve year old girls are missing; they were last seen at a local motel. I think this is what Killer would do if he found them.
Editing stage: 

Comments

It is a shame about the missing girls. I hope they are found in good health and returned to their loved ones. I see Killer is in good form!

The scent of piss and fear were mingled in the air
Muffled screams and moans did abound
There was blood on the floor; Shit, it's everywhere!
As the bones of this sinner were finely ground

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Everyone is hoping that they will be found in good health, and that they have just run away. Yes, Killer is in good form. He won't stand for innocent children being hurt or abused in any way, and this is what will happen to anyone that does it! Those are some of my favorite lines too! ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

Scarey and well written, but needs a couple of tweaks, Stanza one last line I think something like 'pungent corridor,' would sound better than 'smelly corridor. Stanza three is a little bit loose needs tghtening, it lacks some of the rhym of the reast of the piece.

But I enjoyed it.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I will work on that. You are right, it does need a little tightening up. Feeling better, now maybe I can get some work done! Love ya, Yoda

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

was brilliant! Maybe a little understated, but brilliant! LOL I'm glad you liked it, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

Say it like is should be, brother.

My only crit is the last two lines.
They could be much stronger.

just a suggestion-
He know his evil now
It's time for him to go.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

at your suggestions, and make some adjustments. Thanks for the read and the comments. ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

this write illustrates your sensitivities and disgust in good measure...

raj (sublime_ocean)

is Joe! LOL Since this was sent to me, I guess that I will think that I should get the credit for the positive comment. Thanks, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.