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Killer Deal...

Smiling lips pasted on his face
he knocks upon the door
While he waits, he begins to pace
in the stinking corridor

Finally, the dirty portal cracks
a suspicious man appears
Behind him, girls on their backs
their faces full of fear

The room is dim and foul of air
some money changes hands
The large man asks; How much the pair?
The other grins and understands

Big man; You've got an appetite
For a thousand, have the two
They're young and tender, be just right
I'm sure they'll satisfy you

"Girls, get dressed, you're leaving now",
Pimp yells; "You can't do that!"
Killer gives the girls a little bow
and slaps the pimp's nose flat

Ladies, you don't need to see
what's gonna happen next
So catch yourselves a little breeze
while I break his stupid neck

The door has closed on two grateful smiles
There is silence for a space
Pimp, you're evil and you're vile
a blight, and a disgrace

Smell of piss and fear in the air
muffled screams and moans abound
Blood on the floor; shit, it's everywhere!
as the bones of this sinner ground

T.V. as his clothes wash clean
Killer laughs at the comedy-show
He thinks about how fun it's been
It's Hell, where all pimps go!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Two twelve year old girls are missing; they were last seen at a local motel. I think this is what Killer would do if he found them. The girls were found, they caught a bus, but were identified and picked up and brought home.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

It is a shame about the missing girls. I hope they are found in good health and returned to their loved ones. I see Killer is in good form!

The scent of piss and fear were mingled in the air
Muffled screams and moans did abound
There was blood on the floor; Shit, it's everywhere!
As the bones of this sinner were finely ground

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Everyone is hoping that they will be found in good health, and that they have just run away. Yes, Killer is in good form. He won't stand for innocent children being hurt or abused in any way, and this is what will happen to anyone that does it! Those are some of my favorite lines too! ~ Gee

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author comment

Scarey and well written, but needs a couple of tweaks, Stanza one last line I think something like 'pungent corridor,' would sound better than 'smelly corridor. Stanza three is a little bit loose needs tghtening, it lacks some of the rhym of the reast of the piece.

But I enjoyed it.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I will work on that. You are right, it does need a little tightening up. Feeling better, now maybe I can get some work done! Love ya, Yoda

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

was brilliant! Maybe a little understated, but brilliant! LOL I'm glad you liked it, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Say it like is should be, brother.

My only crit is the last two lines.
They could be much stronger.

just a suggestion-
He know his evil now
It's time for him to go.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

at your suggestions, and make some adjustments. Thanks for the read and the comments. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

this write illustrates your sensitivities and disgust in good measure...

raj (sublime_ocean)

is Joe! LOL Since this was sent to me, I guess that I will think that I should get the credit for the positive comment. Thanks, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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