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Muellertown...

Submitted by Geezer on Thu, 2024-05-02 11:39

Fifteen years in Muller Town...

What day or night are you available?
You deserve me, I'm yours.

"Has anyone ever escaped?
These eternal chains, forged by weird-wired brains.
My emotions have been raped".

He can tell you, no matter what, he didn't do it,
Deny responsibility, never copping to a plea.
"You can't prove any of that shit".

"So, don't you want to see me? I would think you should.
I'm the best thing that's ever happened here.
I'm almost everything, and damn, I'm good!"

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

Last few words:

I would like some opinions of what it is about, before I decide what to add or take away. ~ Geez. .

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-05-02 17:40

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Muellertown" presents an interesting narrative with a clear voice. However, it could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter to enhance its readability and flow.

The use of dialogue in the poem is effective in creating a dynamic between characters and providing insight into their personalities. However, the transition from the narrator's voice to the character's voice can be abrupt, potentially causing confusion for the reader. Consider using punctuation or formatting to clearly distinguish between the two.

The phrase "weird-wired brains" is a creative use of alliteration, but it may benefit from further clarification or context to help the reader understand its meaning within the poem.

The line "You deserve me, I'm yours" seems to be disconnected from the rest of the poem. If it is intended to be a part of the dialogue, consider making this clearer. If it is a statement from the narrator, consider providing more context to clarify its relevance to the overall narrative.

The poem's ending is strong, with the character's self-assured statement providing a powerful conclusion. However, the phrase "I'm almost everything, and damn, I'm good!" could be rephrased to maintain the poem's overall tone and style.

In terms of imagery, the poem could benefit from more descriptive language to create a vivid picture of "Muellertown" and its inhabitants. This could help to further engage the reader and enhance the poem's impact.

Overall, the poem has a compelling narrative and voice, but could benefit from more consistent rhythm, clearer transitions between voices, and more vivid imagery.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Fri, 2024-05-03 14:35

All of this!!!

Thank you for this write!! No truer words have been written. This may have given me an idea...

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Fri, 2024-05-03 15:36

Yeah...

I thought you would like this one. I wrote this in about a half-hour. It just rolled out from under the funk I was in. LoL.
I would think that people would understand the "eternal chains, forged by weird-wired brains". Those are the people who just never give up, you will always be in their lives, and them in yours. Maybe we could do a co-write on the subject, down the road. I know things are hectic now. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

RoseBlack

Fri, 2024-05-03 15:45

I like the idea

And understand about those eternal chains...

~RoseBlack~

Neopoet

Muellertown...