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Wait For Me...

I was waiting in line,
just standing there.
Been waiting so long
I needed a chair.

Why was everything
taking so long?
I stood fidgiting,
humming a song.

Long hair and jeans,
a Pink Floyd T-shirt.
I knew in a moment,
this look would hurt

I'd be searched for the drugs,
they knew that I had.
I was a smuggler,
they knew I was bad.

What's in the bag,
that you have right there?
My clothes and a doll
for my dearest, sweet Claire.

"Okay, step out,
we'll search you to see",
I was pissed at the guy
"Why pick on me"?

I stripped and was searched,
my luggage gone through.
My jacket was torn,
I yelled, Hey, that is new!

I was pushed and prodded,
they examined my crotch.
They took their time,
busted my watch.

After beheading,
my dolly for Claire
they let me go,
'cause, it just wasn't there.

As I boarded the plane
he gave me a look.
I shot him the bird,
then raised my book.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I got rolling with this one, and had to delete some good lines, to make the line limit of forty lines.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.


The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem provides a vivid narrative that engages the reader from start to finish. The use of rhyme and rhythm gives the piece a steady flow, which is effective in conveying the speaker's frustration and impatience.

However, the poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the speaker's emotions. The speaker's feelings of anger and indignation are clear, but the poem could delve deeper into these emotions to create a more complex and compelling character.

The poem also tends to tell rather than show. For example, in the line "I was pissed at the guy," the speaker directly states their anger. Instead, consider showing this emotion through the speaker's actions or dialogue.

The poem's ending is effective in providing a resolution to the narrative, but it could be strengthened by tying it back to the poem's earlier themes or images. For example, the speaker could reflect on their experience in the context of their long wait or their anticipation of seeing Claire.

The poem's use of language is generally clear and concise, but there are a few instances where the wording could be more precise. For example, in the line "I was a smuggler, they knew I was bad," the word "bad" is vague and doesn't fully convey the speaker's perceived criminality. Consider using a more specific word or phrase to better illustrate the speaker's character.

Lastly, the poem's structure is consistent, which contributes to its readability. However, varying the length and structure of the lines could create a more dynamic rhythm and enhance the poem's emotional impact. For example, shorter lines could be used to convey the speaker's quick, frantic thoughts, while longer lines could be used to depict their drawn-out wait.

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I would love to see the poem with the cut lines! I know you cannot enter it that way, but can you post it as a regular post? This a personal interest for me. I was arrested and thrown in jail because I was suspected of cocaine dealing was the real reason. I was out with my mother taking her to a Bar with a Band. Two off duty cops were checking ID's. I heard one say to the other "that's Her!" I was falsely identified. the idiots must have thought I was cocaine Katie.One of them grabbed my hand bag and dumped out the contents! no cocaine, but a sweet oz of pot. my moment in court came and the judge ruled the two cops were idiots because their stories of he arrest differed and it was a false arrest, so the case was thrown out. But I did get to hear the two cops being berated by the judge! sorry to bend your ear...

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

but the deleted lines are gone forever. I wish that I had thought of keeping them and doing as you suggested. I had a couple of funny ones. I may try to resurrect them, but I can't promise that the "old" memory will comply. I'm sorry that you got misidentified and lost that sweet oz. of pot. I didn't have any cocaine or weed either; but I was really pissed because of being singled out because of how I was dressed and looked. I knew I was in for it, when I saw that it was mostly young, hippy looking people with long hair that were being singled out. I noticed that they didn't really look at my book. They were more interested in the doll, and I'm sure that they thought that it was hiding some coke or weed. After being searched, poked and prodded, my jacket pockets ripped and the doll's head being ripped off; I figured that they weren't going to risk taking me off the plane, the book being torn apart and them looking like fools. So, I raised the book and hoped that no one would be waiting for me in N.Y. LoL [There was nothing to find, but I made him think that there was].
~ Geez.

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author comment

I guess we can say that we lived through "Interesting Times" to say the least! LOL!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Hello, Geezer,
Bummer about all of this, especially the dolly for Claire! Great take on the contest theme.

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