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A pastoral rhyme attempt

I woke bleary
with bamboo towering over my head
I was too weary
to wonder if it would make the world dead.

I climbed out of the back of the van and spewed
last nights Bundie
then I viewed
the wonder of this world
even though in my horrid state
it was all swirled
around.
And lovely.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
For Stan, not quite pastoral, but it rhymes a bit.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I'm too much of a ratbag and, as good as he is, he is a bit of a soppy wimp.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

but presented in current form from a challenge by scribbler.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I've lived and worked in the roughest places in Australia. No-one has ever succeeded in giving me a swirlie or a wedgy.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Can you empathize with those who have? Oops did I say that out loud?

My bad. Not lovely.

~A

I think it best we BOTH concentrate on our comfort zones lol. Told you this would be fun...........stan PS I still intend about 1 free verse per week

chuckles...this poem deserves a wedgie :P

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Oh this is so contrived to be something that it shows,
like the bones showing on thin animals
its frame weakened. 

Bamboo would make the world dead?
???? Ann

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

the story I cannibalized to write this had the description
"I wouldn't say I woke up, more kind of un-passed out and crawled shakily from the back of Monty's panel van. And immediately panicked as the giant bamboos towering overhead threatened to topple the world and tip me off. "
I am totally blocked, creatively speaking, and have been for a while, so falling back on learned craft. In this case not so successfully.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

reminded me of my life as a roadie Jess! Enjoyed this very much!

Namaste,

Lenny

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

Lenny, perchance were you a roadie for damn, can't think of his name at the moment, but he is also a nondual teacher.

~A

for Leonard Cohen!

Namaste,

Lenny

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

I read this 3 times and then read all the reviews. I can't help but see the morning after in here. And in my opinion, if you can see the worlds beauty after chucking up the night before's fun, then your soul is truly alive and kicking. Now, even if this was not about a binder of sorts, it was to me, so don't spear me!

Kim
(V)

Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.

By: K. Mulroney

" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."

This worked just fine for me, bare bones and all. I could feel it, maybe all to easily, having had similar "awakenings" I liked the attitude projected, kind of a hip minimal sense. I don't know why, but I have a feeling I like this piece a lot more than even you do.

Very refreshing...I might try some cannibalizing

Al

This made me smile.

Pastorals are so difficult to write and you've nailed it. (I tried a pastoral once and failed miserably:P)

The rhyme is nice and the last line made me laugh out loud.

Sorry for the lazy critique, it's late and I'm subconsciously worrying about exams.

Even though I cannibalised I thought it worth bringing pastoral into the 21st C.

I am a powerful psychic, and an athiest, and am sending you powerful energy for your exams.

We only met in person once, but reading your poetry and comments I know you are a person of power.

Notice the repetition? Power, power,power, you've got it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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