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Warped

Love of God
became clenched fear
when a man
first humbled down
on knocking knees
to kiss the ground
The Almighty claimed to own.

Sacred Wisdom
turned to vileness
the first time someone
held hot irons
to another's feet
and called the
anguished agony
the Will Of God.

Sacrament
became new mortal sin
when a man first
called procreation wrong
and the pleasures of
a woman's body evil

And choice
became a murderous slavery
when at first light
of humankind
the madness known as God
accepted sacrifice from one
but not the other
and thus brought murder
down upon the innocent

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Yes, I see what you mean about the first verse.
It is always a raw wound to me, to see the painful horrors of belief gone wrong, and have people touting their heaped abuses as somehow sacred and holy.
Thanks for reading Jayne, and for enjoying.

<<<hug>>>

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

When I first read this I was disappointed, not quite a rave, sounded more like a preacher.

Then I read it again, realized I do this frequently enough. lol,. but let me offer some suggestions, if I may...

Love of God
became clench of fear
when first a man did
humble down on knocking
knees to kiss the ground
The Almighty claimed to own.

(this paragraph, imo, would work better with out *poetic embellishments of words, such as clench of fear instead of fear clenched; offer an additional viewpoint, like clench of fear held in a mimicing jaw)

Sacred Wisdom
turned to vileness
the first time someone
held hot irons
to another's feet
and called the
anguished agony
the Will Of God.

like the aa alliteration and stanza

the Sacrement of Life

(spelling is sacrament)

became mortal with sin
when man called procreation wrong
and evil
the pleasure of
a woman's body, a man's hardening

(a little rewrite)

And choice
became a murderous slavery
when at first light
of humankind
the madness known as God
accepted sacrifce from one
but not the other
and wrought the murder
of innocence
for all time.

(a little light on the subject)

Thanks Jim.

~Anna

Thanks for your criticism. I agree about stanza 1, and will re-write.
"Sacrement": I hate it when I do that! Changed.
Third stanza: I deliberately made it sexist in terms of calling woman evil and not mentioning men, because that is how all monotheistic religions label the female of our species. And I say "a man" instead of "man" because it's that first individual that screwed things up!

Thanks again, Anna, your opinion is valuable to me.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Nitpicking further. Imo. adding the texture that is man's hardening works graphically both visually and the hardened heart; after all most of the inquisition was perverted sexual sadism, all in the name of.....

~A

p.s. That warmed the cockles of my heart. (whatever that is ;-) )

but imo it would detract from the concept of women being looked upon as evil, and their sex the progenitor of evil, in monotheist religion.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I too felt the first verse a little either contrived or awkward too, as Anna did.

Surely the pleasures of the body (don't men get any pleasure from it?)
"and the pleasures of
a woman's body evil"

I await your changes perhaps? LuvAnn.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Yes the 1st stanza has been edited, thanks.
I deliberately made the line you specify gender-specific, because in most major religions it is the woman and her charms - not men - that are considered bad and evil. It is she who inflames the lusts of men, and drives them to rape and war and other evils. Which is nonsense of course, the real truth is that if you need to label women as bad and evil in order to protect yourself from your own reactions to them, it is because you are a weakling who cannot control himself, lol.

Glad you liked this one Ann, thanks.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

You're spot on, Glaswegian Lady. It's the 21 century, yet I live within travelling distance of people who would quite happily burn me at the stake, or beat my daughter to death because she's not wearing the right clothing, or slaughter my family in the name of their God. It makes me angry enough to want to go to war, but instead I write poetry about it, these days.
Gods, I'm getting old.
Glad you enjoyed this.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

There was no one instance in my life that spawned this rant, just an amalgam of hatreds and other people's stupidity that have served to blunt my optimism over the years, lol.
Gald to like this one so much.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I see you have had what I consider enough helpful comments. Why do most who comment insist on calling these poems "writes?" It is a poem or a work. Sorry for the rant.

vexations

Lol I dunno why they call them "writes". I am guilty of that myself!
Glad you enjoyed my poem.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

And choice
became a murderous slavery
when at first light
of humankind
the madness known as God
accepted sacrifce from one
but not the other
and thus brought murder
down upon the innocent

My favorite lines. This brings me to mind of the witch trials of old Salem Massachusetts. I think it had nothing to do with GOD, and more to do with snatching the victims lands and property, in many cases. Torture seems to be born of mass hysteria.

(also sacrifice is spelled wrong.)

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Torture exists because people enjoy hurting others, it gives them power, and pleasure.
You're correct, ALL of the Salem witch hangings were for greed and avarice, witchcraft just an accusation to be used, a convenient one that needed no real proof, until outsiders stepped in and forced a halt.
Glad you liked this one.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Not crit here but I would like to say your write or your poem is deep in thought and your intellect surely shines out on this one. I like everything about it. Good job

Yikes Chrys where is she LOL

Spirit of love
Mona

Glad that you enjoyed it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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