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Dumb F#&*...

The arguement goes on and on, the brothers don't agree
The incessant voices in my head, are slowly killing me
Killer wants to get revenge, he cannot stand the pain
The shouting of them both is driving me insane

Sir Gee is losing this one, Killer's got him down
I think tonight we're going... out to ride around
In fact, there is a certain someone, that we want to see
He has a little silver gun; used it robbing me

Killer wants to make him suffer, show the neighborhood
He's been bragging that he got me, got me really good
Well, now it's time to turn the tables, find out where he's at
We've been really looking, for that baseball bat

I see him, we both say, we two in unison!
Now all we have to do, is try to draw him in
I pretend that I am drunk, unsteady on my feet
We make sure he follows down the darkened street

He comes around the corner, all set to take my loot
When Killer gets him in the crotch, with a steel-toed-boot
As he doubles over with the pain, I stomp his fingers in the dirt
I relish hearing his high screams, I know that really hurt

Killer slams his head against the building; whispers "How you like me now?"
His eyes go big, he trembles, sweat forms on his brow
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I'm addicted don't you know?
Com'on man I'm sorry, can't you let me go?

Hey, we hear that you been bragging, told your tale with glee
How you stuck me up, took my cash, then you threatened me
Well, we just want to give you; more to talk about
But I don't see how you'll manage that, with your tongue ripped out

You shot yourself right in the foot, bragging like you did
Instead you should have found, a place you could've hid
Killer's breaking all his fingers, slowly one by one
I'm searching through his pockets, for the little silver gun

I find his glass smoking pipe, his bumpies of the crack
The gun, I got it pressing, up against his back
The Bowie knife is shaving the designs out of his hair
Now there is a great big "K", boy, Killer's got a flair

On twisted knees, and mangled feet, he stumbles down the block
I guess that he is lucky, we didn't take his cock
I think that he will be on vacation for awhile
And I think that being dumb, is gonna cramp his style

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Thanks Stan, It changes the tempo just a little, but makes it smoother.~ Gee
Editing stage: 

Comments

Let Killer out again. Very visceral write which pulled me in and kept me reading. Saw a few stumbles but then realized they actually enhanced the reality of this story. I would, however, consider doing away with some of the commas as not all seem needed to keep flow smooth. Tell Killer I'm his biggest fan before you let him loose next time, I've grown attached to all my parts lol........ stan

Killer says, hi. Not to worry, Killer knows who his friends are. Always glad to hear your comments. I took out some of those pesky commas, they really multiply like flys. ~ Gee

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author comment

Killer writes in avengence... I can see how you managed to describe very descriptively how you felt about these hoodlums that did what they did to you. I just made comment to your other poem on this. I can feel the anger in this one and rightfully so..

There is one wee thing here in this
The arguement

The argument

I do not want to give this an overhaul for it is written with much thought I feel and I am glad you got your anger out in this you and Killer...

Ms Mona

Yes, I got some of the anger out. I will fix the argument word. Thanks for the read and comments

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author comment

This is one scarry character you have created, compelling reading. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Killer is building quite a fan base. Some of Killer's best work was lost in the crash, but he will be having new adventures. Haven't had much success in retrieving his earlier works, but still trying. Thanks for the read and compliments. ~ Gee

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author comment

I think its a tie between Scribbler and I with being Killers biggest fan, lol.I enjoyed his exploits once again, thanks Gee, kind of missed the dog though, lol.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

will be making an appearance soon. he is currently investigating an animal cruelty case. Maybe this dynamic duo should have a regular series. Have to think of a killer name for the dog though. Maybe Anubis? Thanks ~ Gee

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author comment

Gee,

I'll be back later to review properly, but you spelt "Fuck" incorrectly!!

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

how it is with us old guys, sometimes we fuck up on the simplist things. LOL Thanks, ~ Gee

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author comment

LMAO !!!! @ HS, sooooo true brother, lol.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

If I had a nickel for every time I felt like Killer.

Good stuff man, and a great way to drain the poison.

LMAO at the misspelling, at first I thought "huh?" Funny as hell.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

much on spelling, but he sure can fuck 'em up! Thanks, Jim. ~ Gee

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author comment

OH, I know these feelings so well! I love this one, every verse! I just can;t pick a favorite one! Revenge can be sweet...

love, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

hope that you don't know these feelings from being robbed! It is a very scary feeling, and then it makes you mad! Thanks for the kind words, Killer, Sir Gee and I appreciate them, oh so much. Killer says hi. ~ Love ya, Gee

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author comment

Gee,

don't change a word, let it roll as it is. Clever rhyme, funny and a little sadistic...a perfection combination!

I think it is time for a Killer & Eddie poem...I am sure Cat will be up for that...if you want to make it a threesome!...I'll throw in a Hooded Stranger too!

great write,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

love to have a threesome with you guys. Do we have a subject? Thanks for the read and great review, ~ Gee

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author comment

Gee,

I'll contact Cat and see if she is up for a threesome!

No subject yet, but I think we can safely say...dark!

regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

it will be dark! I look forward to working with you both. [Assuming that Cat wants in]. Killer is excited! He thinks we would make a great team. Until we hear from you, ~ Gee

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Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
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author comment

I'm back again,again...aga......... lol.Don't tell K but i reread and have a few alternative to maybe help with the flow:
s-1,l-4 try incessant shouting
s-2,l-3 try in fact there is a certain someone
s-4, l-1 insert both in front of say
s-7,l-2 insert then in front of you threatened
......l-4 insert that after manage
s-8,l-1 insert right or square after yourself
s-666,l-13 sick K on scribbler

as always feel free to use or discard as you see fit. After all, you know K better than I do lol.......stan

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