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LORNA

Submitted by Tam the Chanter on Tue, 2012-01-24 07:46

!
LORNA

You glide between the coral heads
Then slowly traverse oyster beds.
Keep to the dappled light, for dark
Might hide a twelve-foot Mako shark.

A flick of flipper scares away
Inquisitive huge Manta Ray,
Who leaves with such majestic flight
His shadow blocks the warm sun's light.

Though none can see, I know you smile
At clouds of Clown fish, colours wild,
This warm, exciting, fish-filled sea
A wonderland for you, not me.

For I am bounden to the shore
While you have oceans to explore,
My time for exploration's past
But you: Go For It ! Life goes FAST!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Advance formatting doesn't seem to work, so I kept it short Ian
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
More Meter

Comments

Eduardo Cruz

Tue, 2012-01-24 17:37

Eduardo Cruz's picture

You glide/ between/ the co/ral heads Then slow/ly tra/verse oys/ter beds. Keep to/ the dap/pled light/, for dark Might hide/ a twelve/-foot Ma/ko shark.  A flick/ of flip/per scares/ a-way/  In-qui/ si-tive huge Man/ta Ray, Who leaves with such/ ma-jes/tic flight/  His sha/dow blocks the warm/ sun's light.  Though none/ can see/, I know/ you smile/  At clouds/ of Clown/ fish, col/ors wild,  This warm/, ex-cit/ing, fish-filled sea  A won/der-land/ for you, not me.  For I/ am bound/en to the shore/  While you/ have o/ceans to/ ex-plore,  My time for ex/plo-ra/tion's past  But you/: Go For/ It ! Life/ goes FAST!

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-01-24 23:07

weirdelf's picture
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BEFORE you pasted in the poem, that's why you lost formatting.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-01-24 23:16

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You glide/ between/ the cor/al heads
Then slow/ly traverse/ [the?] oyst/er beds. [something funny in the scanning here]
Keep to/ the dapp/led light/, for dark
Might hide/ a twelve/-foot Mak/o shark.

A flick/ of flipp/er scare/s away
Inquis/itive/ huge Mant/a Ray,
Who leaves/ with such/ majest/ic flight
His shad/ow blocks/ the warm/ sun's light.

Though none/ can see/, I know/ you smile
At clouds/ of Clown/ fish, col/ours wild,
This warm/, exciti/ng, fish/-filled sea
A wond/erland/ for you/, not me.

For I/ am bound/en to/ the shore
While you/ have oc/eans to/ explore,
My time/ for ex/plorat/ion's past
But you/: Go For/ It ! Life/ goes FAST!

Fine Iambic Tetrameter, beautifully expressive in image and intent.

Who is Lorna?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Tam the Chanter

Wed, 2012-01-25 03:22

Tam the Chanter's picture

Jess, I think the word" traverse" is the culprit, my stress is on the first syllable.
Thanks for the kind words.

Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

author comment

wesley snow

Thu, 2012-01-26 14:47

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Don't panic. I saw the same thing and looked it up. All three of my dictionaries has "traverse" accented on either syllable. There seemed no difference in meaning when you chose one.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Eduardo Cruz

Wed, 2012-01-25 11:20

Eduardo Cruz's picture

A flick/ of flipp/er scare/s away
I saw a problem in your parsing with this line;

"flip-per" is seen this way in the dictionary, also "scares", no break in syllable.
I go only by the encarta or webster dictionary. which for me is the best way to parse a poem so as not to bring my own NY accent with a Spanish influence into it. per your instructions.
Respect to you Professor!

Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-01-25 11:49

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Of your own idiom.

Too many people have complained that regional accents make a difference.

But the music of poetry is universal.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Eduardo Cruz

Wed, 2012-01-25 14:06

Eduardo Cruz's picture

will attempt it but i think that most will not understand. I will have to also do a minor street dictionary for the words we use in street conversation. We will see, that's why I say when we write, having a dictionary on hand is important so we don't go by the way we say some words out of bad habit and destroy the beauty of the written English

Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-01-25 14:26

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recited in Ancient Greek? Didn't understand a word but the language was magic.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Eduardo Cruz

Wed, 2012-01-25 16:00

Eduardo Cruz's picture

Yes, I do remember.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

wesley snow

Thu, 2012-01-26 14:51

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I saw also what you saw. It is customary when dividing a word into syllables to split a double letter configuration down the middle. Hence, "flip-per", but I don't think it changes the scan if you don't. Jess was just in a hurry. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Eduardo Cruz

Fri, 2012-01-27 09:30

Eduardo Cruz's picture

I was just pointing it out. i know how much work is envolve in running a workshop. I have run one it's no joke.
Jess knows me, to say as well as you can know someone over the internet. I just try and help where ever I can.

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Tam the Chanter

Sat, 2012-01-28 05:28

Tam the Chanter's picture

Thanks Mark, glad you liked it. Lorna is the scuba-diving travelling masseuse who visits me once a month to knead the knots out of my neck and shoulders.
Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

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