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woodland wandering (To Serve Poets' Workshop)

WOODLAND WANDERING
The sun goes down.
Day yields his kingdom to the night.
The moon appears.
Confirming sun’s disgraceful flight.

On woodland trails,
Forgotten years ago by man.
The Axeman hunts,
With sharpened blade kept close to hand

The young girl waits,
Her boyfriend gone for breakdown aid.
The car, still warm,
Lulls her toward sleep, unafraid.

He sees the car;
The Axeman takes a ragged breath.
The girl awakes;
Her fate is horror, pain and death

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

I saw the title and it led me to expect a poem which was far different from what was delivered lol. But yours Is one which left a lot to the imagination . And sometimes the imagination supplies more horror than any written line could. Only alternative I have to suggest is think of changing sharpened to keen.............stan

I'm not suggesting you add all the graphic details, only that it did not much more, poetically speaking, than stories told with a torch held under the the face to be creepy at a child's campfire

I think we need more
The first stanza is excellent and paves the way for something horrifying which does not eventuate.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

love the first stanza, it sets a tone that, as I said, I'm afraid the rest of the poem failed to deliver.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

This Could be a lot better if the reader was immersed a bit more in the poem. Hmmm........Let's see what can be done with the least amount of change.
S-2, l-1 try woodland ways...adds alliteration and also widens the scope of the axe man's wandering to include off trails
S-3,l-1 try changing waits to awaits. it might add a bit of apprehension
.....l-4 try lulls her unaware and unafraid.... a bit more detail and a hint of something to Be unaware of
S-4... I think this might well be expanded into 2 stanzas, maybe the first dealing mainly with anticipation by axe man and sudden waking of girl then the next more detail concerning her reaction and his actions
S-6,l-4 I'd change females to women. A bit more specific and personal.
Of course these are just ideas. You already will have me being wary of lumber men lol..........stan

though once again I would suggest quoting the line in which you suggest a change and then post it with the change. When I get your critiques it feels like doing a crossword puzzle...hmmm s-6,l-4, I scan through the poem and the change is hard to see in context.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

That line and stanza number works OK for just a few changes but Does become awkward as the changes pile up. I guess I should rewrite each entire stanza that has changes if not the entire poem........stan

I love stories but this one has holes so I will let the others handle the technical crit. The first stanza paints a picture but not one that is upheld throughout. Why is the sun disgraced? If the trail is forgotten, what are two young kids doing there? Why would a maniac hunt abandoned trails? And the resolution comes far too quick without explanation. Why would the sheriff need to lie?

Fill in some of the blanks and I think you have the makings of a very entertaining poem.

Thanks

Scott

Scott

Hi Scott,
I did not expect to be explaining the "nuts and bolts" of this poem , but here goes.
1) the sun, bringer of light and life, falls out of his sky every day. He leaves us to survive the night as best we can ; is that not disgraceful?
2) The two kids can be pictured on a country road in their car. The forgotten trail or track would make many overgrown intersections with the country roads in that area. The kids would not need to set foot on the trail to be visible from it.
3)The maniac does not hunt along this trail, but uses it as a means of accessing stretches of country roads.
4)The sheriff knows about the axeman, and would rather arrest the boy (wouldn't you?) and be credited with the arrest.

OK?

Ian Thomson

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

author comment

sounds suspiciously like what you objected to in the critiques of your poem "Tempestuous".

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

No chance. I hammered away at people on my poem because I needed information. And, as I explained there and which has been reiterated on the workshop page, it was the poet's right and objective to question the critique to make it better.

A story is being told here in poetic form. Tam has details that would have made the story more viable in my opinion. Therefore I requested the back story. I think what has been offered as back story needs to be included. Again, this is my opinion as i was asked to give it as a participant in this workshop.if you don't think it's a valid critique, then say as much.

I have better things to do than piss in people's cheerios because my feelings may or may not have been hurt. If you wish to continue this conversation we can do it on my poem page or through pm. There is no sense Iin wasting any more of Tam's time with our petty bs.

Scott

Scott

much of a change here. I agree with Jess' first critique. There isn't enough descriptive narration and it makes for a rather insipid "Killer" poem. Also, it almost reads like an old-time telegram; where you used as few words as possible to keep down the cost and yet give the gist of the message. I believe that there are times when it is a good thing to do this, but not in this instance. ~ Gee

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Tam, You know I respect you and your poetry.
I know I have asked you to try more serious topics in the past and you have succeeded.
This is a good poem.
I know you can do better.
This is purely subjective, but I would like to see a few poems from you that show more who you are.
Conservative or liberal, green or dead, right or left. Especially your admixture of these things.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

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