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A Sailors Plight

A Sailor’s Plight

Heavy clouds, with their bellies stained red,
Fill sea faring hearts with contemptuous dread.
Wary eyes scan the heavens,
Whispered prayers leave the lips,
St Francis give courage! Add strength to the ship!
Upon the horizon, watching wicked winds pick up,
They know they’ll be testing their erratic luck.
Feeling sea spray upon them, in temperate gust,
The ocean caresses with her blood thirsty lust.
Myth mixes with fact in the terror on board,
They call to the ancients, Gods from before,
Oh great Poseidon! Call your mistress home,
Nine from the crew are already gone.
Washed to the depths of this deep briny mire,
What else do you need? What more is required?
Is passage not paid for our trespassing sin?
You’ve collected so many in your watery den.
Please leave us afloat, give us some sort of sign
That death to us all is not your intended design.
Hundreds before have been taken below,
Why do you look upon us as your foe?
We are no threat, nothing to fear,
Why won’t you listen? Why can’t you hear?
Upon deaf ears all their pleas did fall,
Insignificant, they are, in the path way is all.
This war, that reigns, is between sky and sea.
They are but pawns, caught in-between.
The gods they all laugh at these creatures so small,
The battle cry sounded, they’re only meeting the call.
But, weary they grow of this unconquerable clash,
Rough waves subside; wind eases its lash.
Those that survive breathe deep with relief
Once again, they are safe, their lives they will keep.
The gods shake their heads, will never perceive,
Why mans adventurous glory sets sail on the sea.

© Tonya Greenlee

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is an older poem. I would appreciate Amy critique or remarks. I believe it still needs some tweeking..maybe a lot of tweeling! lol
Editing stage: 

Comments

Good to see you are back. The eternal battle men have with the sea is well described in this poem. i DO wonder why you didn't use stanzas in order to give the reader a pause now and then to catch their breath lol......stan

There is a lot of variations I could do with this poem but most important is what do you wish to do?
The meter is off a bit here and there. Do you desire to pull that together?
Fill sea faring hearts with contemptuous dread.
Wary eyes scan the heavens,
(pretty big difference there)

Do you want to make for a consistent rhyme pattern?
St Francis give courage! Add strength to the ship!
Upon the horizon, watching wicked winds pick up,
(Upon the horizon, wicked winds, deadly clip!)
So if you are looking for rhymes try here:
https://www.rhymezone.com/
Also, do you like interior rhyme?
The gods they all laugh at these creatures so small,

Rhyme dropping is cool as well if that is your intent..wherever it feels right then.

My only difficulty reading your poem was the change in meter and in some places the lack of rhyme felt a bit odd.

Some may say it needs to be broken into stanzas so if you see a place to break, then it may be wise to consider that.

I like your imagery and there is room for more IMO heavens, lips, ship etc...perhaps a bit more for the picture?

The title works well for me.

I love the beginning and ending they mate very good!

Hopefully helpful,

~Mark~

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I think at the time, I felt the urgency of their predicament...maybe?? lol I will work on dividing into stanzas. Perhaps it will give more impact if a moment to think or let the verse sink in is given. I am anxious to get my table top comp set up in my shop. I've always preferred working on it. Hopefully soon. Waiting on my work table to be finished.
Thanks for reading g and the critique.

author comment

I know it needs work. Breaking it up will hdlp, I think. I hope. Then perhaps will be easier to fix my meter.
I appreciate your time and critique. I'll work on it. I hope to be reading soon and, for whatever it is worth, giving my opinion lol!

author comment

Hello Tonya;
I can only echo what had been said above, but let me add that the theme of your poem is striking to me because I am an old sailor myself. I like the title, but since the poem speaks of a drama at sea, I might change the title to "Red Sky at Morning, . . ." Definitely, breaking this poem up into stanzas would enhance its readability. But you know that already. Nice meeting you on this site.
Jerry

With the comments concerning craft. Very good images and charged words with some inconsistencies in rhythm which are too far off and stanzas would give more breathing space, but overall a good work. The opening cloud images are really good
My concern is with content and the last two lines. I think the gods shaking their heads personifies them a bit too much in a cartoon mode and not understanding man’s nature is too telling. The gods laughing at humanity’s folly...a bit cliche. Who are these gods and what is their relationship to us? You mention st Francis but ultimately put our fate in the ancients so I loose the timeline of this being a poem conceived in antiquity. The craft in this poem has many excellent devices. Reintroducing the pagans in our time feels a bit forced. I would keep the imagery and details well in the past, as did The romantics (Keats, Shelly,Byron etc)

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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