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excuse me

It was a cold day in hell
Fire had flickered and sputtered
Ultimatums uttered
On angry ears words fell

Disbelieving
Arrogantly perceiving
Astounded
Simplicity compounded

No timid docile flower here
I stand proudly on my ground,
My message glaring, blatantly clear
A frozen hell is all that's found!

Editing stage: 

Comments

but not complete. It feels like those drawings we see from the renaissance painters with studies of different aspects of the painting. There's a lot of good stuff going on in here...let me, the reader, in.
The message is not glaring or clear to me. I feel you can tell me what that message is...not by telling, but by images, but suggestion. I can't see yet what all the shouting is about. But there's a voice in there that feels like its on to something...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

To me, that's a very nice compliment! Actually, I will work on clarification. I don't feel it is quite finished. Was a fast thought. lol. I do love metaphors, similies and painting with words in place of my paint brush.
Thank you for the review.

author comment

I had never heard of a dossel so I looked it up. My dictionary says it's "an ornamental hanging of rich fabric hung behind the altar of a church". How is that a flower too?.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

Docile

author comment

I'd suggest you drop the final exclamation mark as that stanza is not an exclamation.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

Oh, but to me, it is!

author comment

I quote from Wikipedia:
"The exclamation mark... is a punctuation mark usually used after an interjection or exclamation to indicate strong feelings or high volume (shouting), or to show emphasis, and often marks the end of a sentence, for example: `Watch out!'. "

And I quote from the Cambridge English Dictionary for its definition of the word "exclamation":-
"Something you say or shout suddenly because of surprise, fear, pleasure, etc..:an exclamation of delight."
Collins Ductionary says: "An exclamation is a sound, word, or sentence that is spoken suddenly, loudly, or emphatically and that expresses excitement, admiration, shock, or anger."

Thus, your last sentence is not an exclamation and thus an exclamation mark is incorrect.
QED

You could if you wished use an exclamation mark after "Excuse me" in the title, since "Excuse me" can be an exclamation..I personally would only start with a capital E, but that's a bit advanced for some people..

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

I am so glad you are at the pinnacle of knowledge.
It has me in awe! Your mighty brain is almost to the point of exploding! Yet, at the end of the day, I'll punctuate it as I see fit
You, for all your intelligence, do not get the freedom to tell me the level of feeling nor inflection I want to use.
"My message blaring, blatantly clear,
WILL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL!!!! Etc..etc..."
And yes, before you tell me I have improperly used quotation marks, I know. It isn't a verbatim quote.

I'm pretty good with American English. I suppose the American lexicon took on its own inflections and development after winning our independence from Britton. We developed our own identity! No longer be treated as beneath the notice of lords and ladies. But..I'm getting carried away with myself.

author comment

It's your "write" and you have every right to be as illiterate as you wish. I really laugh when I read childish stuff about "winning our independence from Britton". I love that mis-spelling.

Clearly you have no wish to be better informed or assisted so I shan't waste my kind efforts ever again..

Goodnight.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

My goodness, I haven't seen you in an age!
I hope all is well with you.
I like this little poem, sort, succinct, to the point.
But, lose the ellipses, would you? I think this would have a lot more intensity and impact without them!
So good to see you writing again.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

lol...so good to hear from you! Okay, I took out my dots :p
You are right though. More of a distraction than additional impact to the poem. Glad you liked it. I feel maybe still needs a few tweaks? Thank you Sir!
~Tonya

author comment

Thank you.

author comment

I too have heard such nonsense that a poet is allowed one exclamation point in his life. Others have a beef with semi colons others dislike the dash. (Sorry Emily Dickerson) others hate dot dot dot....
If we are using punctuation for heavens sake we can use them !
What would kubla khan or Kaddish be without them!!!
Poetry can use punctuation to tell us how to read like compost ers use notation.
For me just don’t overuse anything; commas and parentheses included. Most often I prefer poems that either are punctuated or not at all. Using it sometime in the poem bothers me sometimes. But it’s secondary. Like the color of the frame. The painting is what counts

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

What on earth does a "Kaddish" have to do with exclamation marks, or indeed with any other form of punctuation?

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

It’s sure has a lot of exclamation points. So imagine Coleridge’s kubla Kahn or Ginsberg’s Kaddish without them...was the point. I’ll be more careful to point out references which seem obvious to me.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Most (but not all) of the exclamation marks in the Coleridge are, in fact, genuine exclamations, eg. Beware! Oh! etc. etc.

Ditto the Ginsberg (which incidentally is littered with grammatical errors including the egregious use of "lay" instead of "lie").

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

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