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My New Friend (Ballade WS)

Submitted by Rula on Sat, 2015-11-14 11:14

Come all and meet my hero Tim;
a talented friend from Peru.
He likes to dance, he's fit and slim,

I wish I met him long ago

He trips the light fantastic toe,
At night he'd join to tell a tale,
or else he'd bid a vivid show,
my clever robot would never quail.

One day he fell and broke his limb,
yet still he'd trail himself so slow.
I felt so sorry, sad for Tim,
whom I met not so long ago.
His software dimed, no way he'd glow;
he spent his nights in grief and wail.
Not certain how to heal his woe,
my clever robot would never quail.

But then we prayed, both I and him,
to soon recover all his throe;
he speaks now Luo and sings the hymns

I wish I met Tim long ago

He paints just like, Pica Pablo.
No need to go for more details,
since then our friendship had to grow,
my clever robot would never quail.

I pray that God would bless my bro,
for he is clever, he's not that stale,
He's someone that you'd like to know,
A robot that would never quail.

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Workshop:

Storytelling in Verse (sempiternal): The Ballade

Comments

alidzain

Sat, 2015-11-14 23:23

Salam Rula

The refrains are supposed to be in the fourth line, not the fifth.

a Come all and meet my hero Jim;
b a talented friend from Peru.
a He likes to dance, he's fit and slim,
B he trips the light fantastic toe. (This line is supposed to be for the first refrain)
b I wish I met him long ago.
c At night he'll join to tell a tale,
b accompanied by vivid show.
C My clever robot ain't a male. (no problem with 2nd refrain's location)

One day Jim fell, he broke his limp,
yet still he'd trail himself so slow.
I felt so sorry, sad for Jim,
and wished I met him long ago. (as you can see, this line is from the 5th line of the 1st stanza)
His software dimed, no way he'd glow,
he spent his nights in grief and wail.
Not certain how to heal his woe,
my clever robot ain't a male. (I'm confused here. Are you referring to Jim? You called him a ''He'')

But then we prayed, both I and him,
rehabilitation is a throe;
he speaks now Luo and sings the hymns
and paints just like, Pica Pablo.
I wish I met him long ago. (this refrain should be on the 4th line, not 5th)
No need to go for more details,
since then our friendship had to grow.
My clever robot ain't a male.

I pray that God would bless my bro,
this clever robot ain't a male.
He's someone that you'd like to know,
a clever robot's not a male.

There I pointed the mistakes. Maybe you can switch the line abit so that the refrain will be in the correct place.

Alid

Rula

Sun, 2015-11-15 09:17

Salam Khalid

and thank you. I am not sure however I want to change especially that I haven't changed in the rhyme scheme and it doesn't change much or affect the meaning.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

alidzain

Sun, 2015-11-15 09:29

Salam, Rula

It's your choice. I just want you to know about the refrain.

Alid

wesley snow

Mon, 2015-11-16 18:28

Refrains.

Have you revised? They seem to be in the right place. Some of the meter needs work to make a strict ballade, but nothing interferes with the rhythm.
Now, I don't understand it. Who is your "clever robot" and why is it female?
Also, in the envoy... the second line should be the first refrain, the last line is the second refrain.
I can't believe you wrote one. I could barely cobble together what I did.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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alidzain

Mon, 2015-11-16 20:26

Wes

This confuses me. Judy said in the last stanza, the 2nd line & 4th line is both the second refrain. You say the 2nd line of the last stanza is the 1st refrain. Who is right here? If Rula follow you then woudn't the rhyming in the envoy be messed up?

Alid

judyanne

Tue, 2015-11-17 09:48

i too am now confused

As i understood it to be that the refrains in the envoy are both the 2nd....
as Alid says - to use the first refrain would confuse the rhyme....

Hi Rula
I'm with Wes - i don't really understand this ....
one suggestion - perhaps 'limb' instead of 'limp' would make more sense as well as be a closer rhyme. (Unless I'm missing something here)

Also
I wish I met him long ago - I'd instead of simply I is correct grammar...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Tue, 2015-11-17 10:40

hello all

I guess I wanted to write something funny. Seems I've completely failed with the refrain. Jim, my new friend is the robot and since he's a robot, he can't be neither a male nor a female because it's merely a robot.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
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author comment

wesley snow

Wed, 2015-11-18 16:50

I am wrong.

I told you initially correct. The rhyme scheme is b-c-b-C. Forgive me. I lost my head and my research. Shows you how little I truly know of this form.
Rula, I still don't like some of the meter. It is not precise enough in places. The idea is to write it in the form of a 14th century song. The meter must be exact.
Here's one I don't like:
"accompanied by vivid show." (I pronounce 'accompanied' with three syllables, It can be pronounced with four which would meet your meter, but it is unnatural).

Most of my complaints are this small and picky. The poem is beautiful. Surprising to find out that the robot was a robot and not a metaphor.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Rula

Sat, 2015-11-21 14:45

thank you sir

I think I cared more for creating a story ( which was always hard for me). Now I am not sure about how good it was either.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

Rula

Wed, 2017-04-12 04:09

Sir

does changing the pronoun "he" to "it" make it clearer for you (as a reader) that the robot is not a metaphor and meant to be a ROBOT? I wonder, but then I thought I'd lose part of the sense of humor if I changed.
What do you think?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

alidzain

Wed, 2015-11-18 20:31

Wes

As a non-native of the English language, I can understand why Rula sees 'accompanied' with 4 vowels. Its a matter of different pronounciation. Same goes with me. I see it as "ac-COM-pa-NIED ".

Alid

judyanne

Wed, 2015-11-18 21:39

lol, we Aussies

also pronounce it with four syllalbles

I only have problems with the verse
rehabilitation's a throe
- not for the syllable count, but for the meter itself - beginning with a trochee throws the verse out

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Sat, 2015-11-21 14:46