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A Promise Of Love
Somewhere in the album of memories,
I keep the stories of a broken heart.
When the old love is betrayed, fades or dies,
it feels like my soul is torn apart
But patience and wisdom whisper to me
a promise I have always longed to hear,
that the dream of true love will never be
a lost cause i'll bear through my living years
As long as faith embraces true courage,
hope will be the flower blossomed anew
for those who really believe it exist,
passion will find a way, love will come true
So be brave dear heart , seek your priceless love
and when you find it here, you'll know its worth
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
for everyone...
Editing stage:
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Comments
alidzain
Wed, 2014-02-19 03:34
Hi, everyone
I need help with the title.Any ideas?
Alid
Rula
Wed, 2014-02-19 05:01
khalid
I like this. You've set up the scene well and kept a logic consistency, but I'd like you to keep a smoother flow even if free verse. See if you can keep at least the same syllable count on each line.
And I thought the last stanza needs more work.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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alidzain
Wed, 2014-02-19 09:57
Hi Rula
I've done as you have suggested. Even change the title. Not sure if the title works, though.
Alid
loved
Wed, 2014-02-19 05:07
faith embrace courage,
faith encourage( s)
or else
embraces courage
my take
you do what ever of it you can make
title maybe
;;;Unrequited Love'''
loved
Rula
Wed, 2014-02-19 05:13
yes,
Loved suggestions are spot on
Thank you.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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Seren
Wed, 2014-02-19 07:15
Alid
This is lovely I told you it would make a good poem :)
I agree with Rula on the last verse it needs a little more work
other than that you have done a good job
love and hugs JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
alidzain
Wed, 2014-02-19 09:58
JC
What do you think of the new title?
Alid
raj
Wed, 2014-02-19 15:38
Alid
You have nicely used the album as a prop to set up your poem. However an Album in itself is a store of memories. Therefore, you need not use memories in the first line. I would like to re-visit this one and offer some suggestions. Let me give this one some thought...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Race_9togo
Wed, 2014-02-19 21:53
Hi Alid
I like this, it's close to being a sonnet.
Stanza 1, line 3, should "die" be "dies"?
Stanza 3, line 2:
"hope will be the flower blossom anew"
might be
"hope will be the flower, blossomed anew,"
or
"hope will be the flower, blossoming anew,"
When I read this, I am reminded strongly of Kayaam, and fatalistic hope.
Most excellent.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
alidzain
Thu, 2014-02-20 05:07
Hi Jim
pray tell, what is Kayaam?
Alid
Race_9togo
Thu, 2014-02-20 11:19
Hi Alid,
Omar Khayyam: 9th century Persian scientist, philosopher, and poet. He gave us much of modern algebra, wrote a lot about Sufism and Islamic theology, and gave us The Rubaiyat, probably his most famous collection of poetry, translated into English in the late 1800s.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
alidzain
Thu, 2014-02-20 11:47
i see
thanks for the update.
Alid
alidzain
Thu, 2014-02-20 06:02
Hi, everyone
which one is better for the title, "Unrequited Love" or "A Promise Of Love"?
Alid
wesley snow
Thu, 2014-02-20 12:40
I'll make a grammatical suggestion.
When the old love is betrayed, fades or dies
(and) it feels like my soul is torn apart
The "and" is unnecessary as it does not add to the first part of the sentence. Put a comma behind "dies" and delete "and".
I think your title is fine.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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alidzain
Thu, 2014-02-20 13:47
thank you, sir
thanks for the visit. I've edited it.
Alid