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Yang and Yin...
The Golden Dragon of the Sun
chases his brother from the night
Through the hallowed heavens they race
It is more like play than it is fight
The scales of each fall from the sky
Silver scratches on ebon’ sheet
Amazing to our humble eyes
This delicious, wondrous treat
Black Dragon of the velvet night
pushes the moon across the sky
Keeps the silver disk from falling
making sure it’s high and dry
Golden Dragon of the burnished day
blows fire and warms the field
Night Dragon flees his brother's breath
though he doesn't want to yield
The edge of Earth, the shore of sea
waits for them to let one fall
Rocky ledges, mountain streams
reflect like movies on the wall
Now if the rain and snow obscure
the silver moon and golden sun
Be sure they're still doing duty
Keeping time and having fun
Comments
Seren
Thu, 2013-04-11 06:11
Dear Gee
I have the book now and I read the story I will scan and email it to you tomorrow I am tired as tonight lol been a huge day, You know how much I love dragons so this appealed to me, there are a couple of places that could use some streamlining read it out loud and you will see where I mean
love and higgliest bugs JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Geezer
Sun, 2013-04-14 23:24
I made some...
I made some big changes in this poem! I decided that the form was wrong for this one and retooled it!
I changed some words and moved some of the lines around. What do you think?
Thanks for the read and critique. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
scribbler
Fri, 2013-04-12 19:32
Hi Gee
Well I se Jayne has already pointed out that this needs a bit of tweeking. The most obvious place to me is in the fifth stanza where they flow becomes pretty short compared to the rest of the poem. But overall this is pretty darn good and fun to read...............stan
Geezer
Sun, 2013-04-14 23:13
I did some...
real thinking on this one, and decided to change the form to the way you see it now.
I felt that the flow was greatly improved by change; what do you think?
I also changed some of the lines and switched some of the positions of the lines.
I guess what I am trying to say is: Thanks for the critique and comments. ~ Gee
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
Ian.T
Sun, 2013-04-14 03:49
Gee
Love the Dragons that depict day and night, it is another picture to take our eyes to another level of thought..
This Line
It is more play than it is fight..
Can it be better if:- It is more of a play than fight..
Love the shooting stars from the "ebon' sheet" beautiful picture..
"Ebon" A new word but apt, though even ebony would be just as sweet.
Yours as always Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Geezer
Sun, 2013-04-14 23:16
I've never...
had a problem with making a new word, if it says what I want it to and people understand what I meant.
I tried to keep a certain cadence, even though I didn't succeed in some cases. I hope you like the new version as much as you did the first one. Thanks for the read and critique. ~ Gee
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place